so i said

this one time I ran a red light on mistake and I didn’t notice it was red until it was too late so I just ran the light screeching like an angry pterodactyl the entire time

a cop was at the intersection so he pulled me over and when he came up to my window he was wheezing cause he was laughing so hard and he said

“ok so i know you ran a red light and that’s really bad and you should never do it again but i’m not gonna give you a ticket cause that was the funniest thing i’ve ever seen and my partner can’t get out of the car cause he’s laughing so hard he’s about to pee himself”

i forgot that i’d had my window open when i ran the red light and the cop told me that all he heard from my car was this really high-pitched “screeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEAAAHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

and that’s how i got out of getting a ticket for running a red light

all these people licking or putting switch cartridges in their mouths just make me concerned for if i ever buy a used switch game in the future. people on amazon are gonna have to start putting “used, like new- never licked” on their used game offerings. the future is wild.

This is the only version of Bang Bang Bang I need

smol yato!gintoki

I’m not a princess.

strong words from someone whose introduction was a musical number

this fox if confused as to why the sheets aren’t snow and this is the cutest thing ever

Petition to protect this pure friendship? 

find a family that will fight for u

overheard a girl’s phone conversation on the bus where she angrily asked the person on the other line why she had to call on someone else’s phone - “why did you block my number?? yes you did! then why didn’t you answer my calls or texts???” and i was like damn, this girl is mad, i kinda feel bad for whoever she’s talking to. then she said “no, grandma, LISTEN” and i was like grandma, the fuck? how could you?

❤❤❤❤❤❤ || 제2제이 [@JJ_hyel] ※Permission to upload this was given by the artist (©). **Please, favorite/retweet/follow to support the artist** [Please do not repost, edit or remove credits]

lets not forget this gem

cant believe we’re leaving out this

and more importantly this

interesting how you forgot 

and

ok but

and

hmmm and perhaps

and these ones too

I’m not sure how you managed to forget this gem: