It’s been a good run.

I’ve spent so much time here documenting and cultivating who I am. Every single moment. All of the suicide attempts, all of the binging, all of the longing for romantic love. All of the attempts and fails at self-love. All of the accomplishments. All of the dreams. In a way, Tumblr was my first form of manifestation.

I came here when reality was too much. When I needed validation. When I needed proof that the things I was feeling were real. And that’s beautiful, that’s honestly what community is. But also..in so many other ways it’s ruined things.

Like my perception of people. My overromantization of love. My willingness to give myself away even if it drains me. It normalized abuse in many ways. Taught me that love is the best feeling in the world but it still the most dramatic and damaging, and sad. And that is a sad way to live.

And in many ways I think the social media outlets we use shape us. We make jokes about the differences between Facebook, Tumblr and Twitter. And they have some truth. And Tumblr has made me super melodramatic, and I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t feel safe here.

But regardless, Tumblr has shaped a lot for me. It’s kept me alive. It’s cradled me. It’s embraced me. But it’s time I start feeling all of these things on my own. I have to stop looking for words and make my own instead. Stop looking for emotional and physical validation. Stop dumping things here and not dealing with them. Just because you admit something to yourself doesn’t mean the work is done.

And I’m realizing that not a lot of people are capable of living this way. Of identifying a problem, figuring out a solution, how to implement it, and then finally — changing their behavior. They can only do one, or a combination of the four. And so, I think this is goodbye. To all of the toxicity that is #me #personal.

Letting it all go. The stalker ex-boyfriends, the late night rants, the memories of love that I once wanted so badly, it’s time to grow up.

I wish I could enjoy my accomplishments.

I don’t know if it’s because every time something good happens something or someone else is always pulling me down, but.. I don’t get happy. I have so many accolades and I just am like “ok whats the next move??!!!”

I don’t feel proud, it just feels like a checklist. The only feeling is that of anxiety fleeting, “well I don’t have to wait for the reply now” “well glad that’s over”

I don’t know man.

At the end of the day,

I just want someone to be warm with. Mentally, physically, spiritually, and spatially. That’s all. I’ll give anything for that..

But then it’s like...after all of the anger subsides..

I just have to realize that people can only give what they’ve gotten. And you can’t be mad that someone can’t love you the way you need to be loved if they don’t know how, or don’t have the tools to do it.

And the only person whose actions you can control are yours. And as long as you know that what you gave was full of love and compassion and consideration..you kind of have to be proud of yourself for being able to even give that. It’s a blessing. Because clearly, some people can’t.

As much as you wish they did. And that’s not your fault. And so all you can do is pray..that you don’t lose your ability to give so much love. That situations like these, ones that don’t go how you want them to don’t jade you. And pray that one day, you will find someone who is able to give you as much as you give them. Because boy, will that be an exchange.

When u give a nigga another chance and he fucks it up again so now u gotta start your Lemonade stages all over again<<<<<<<<<<<but also ur a dumb bitch for wanting to try again in the first place<<<<<<<<<

And u lookin’ at your dating history like damn bitch set some boundaries.

You’ve been ghosted on, stalked, and jerked around like a rag doll.

And each time it looked like love.

Except this time it looked, felt, smelled, and tasted like love.

But here you are, back at square one.