sometimes you need to step back and look at how far youve come :)

Current work ethic

what do i do when i’m feeling rudderless? excellent question.

no one has actually asked me this but i’m putting it here on the off-chance that it’ll be helpful for someone else and because i know i’ll also see it again and remind myself of the best ways i get myself out of these weird ruts. when i’m feeling unmotivated and super foggy and real frustrated with a lack of energy (all symptoms of burnout for me, by the way, so i’m trying to also lighten up on myself while acknowledging that i still gotta get things done!!) here’s what i do to give myself some sense of direction & sense of self:

1. i make a big ol’ brain dump to-do list. sometimes this can make me more anxious because wow that’s a lot of stuff to do, but! it also helps manage that anxiety by reassuring me that i’m not forgetting anything important by, say, trying to manage that anxiety by only focusing on one task. i then pull a muchelle b and i organize those to-do’s - usually i do it by date and level of importance.

2. i figure out what i need to get done, bare minimum, on that bad day i’m having. today, for example, what i really need to get done to make sure tomorrow isn’t an embarrassing disaster is finish reading the text we’re teaching tomorrow and plan my tutorials. that’s it. ideally i’ll also get some research and drafting done, or some readings for my tuesday seminar, but if i don’t, it’s okay. setting this low bar for myself makes that ‘ah!! huge to-do list!!’ feeling a little more bearable. sometimes even the minimum to-do list is enormous, so if that’s the case….

3. i figure out if i need to reach out for help. do i need to ask a prof for an extension? do i need to ask for help clarifying an assignment if i’m super stuck on where to start? what is making starting my task so difficult? am i confused, or bored, or nervous?

4. i make an hour-by-hour schedule for the week. i literally block out every single hour with what i would, ideally, be doing. remember that to-do list i just organized? pull it out. first, i put all of my commitments into my calendar. appointments, teaching hours, office hours, coffee with friends, meal times, and time with A. the non-negotiables. then i look at my to-do list, my RA hours that need to get done that week, and i start popping them in where they fit or as makes sense given their deadline. one hour work study, one hour research, one hour marking. one hour to eat & tidy my kitchen. one hour reading for class, one hour research, one hour marking. i take breaks within these hours when i feel i need them, and they’re not set in stone - they’re there so that when i’m sitting at my desk going ‘oh my god where do i start what do i do today’, i don’t have to pull that out of my head - i can look at my schedule and let it tell me what to do instead.

5. i journal it all out. i always have a lot of feelings associated with not getting work done - guilt, negative self-talk, i’m useless and unproductive, a dump truck full of shame… you know, the usual yucky stuff it hurts to say to ourselves and the feelings that weigh us down big time. a big one for me that i’ve mentioned a few times is hating the feeling of being unreliable. i want my profs to feel like they can rely on me to get work done, and i hate flopping on that one in particular. so i journal a bit, and it’s a practice in self-forgiveness. how am i feeling? why? okay. acknowledge it, it’s there, i feel it - and i’m human. i can move on from where i’m at now with a forward-focused outlook, a lot of determination, and, at the very least, a whole lot of stubbornness about wanting to improve. i come out of those journal sessions with a clearer head, clarity around the way i’m feeling, and a whole heck of a lot less shame. then i make a cup of tea, pour myself a big glass of cold water, clear off my desk, and start working. 

it’s never a guarantee that it’ll yank me out quickly - sometimes an hour of planning and muchelle b is enough to pull me out, and sometimes - like today! - i’ll spend the majority of an afternoon trying to claw my way back to some semblance of productivity or sense of purpose and peace. no judgment for myself, no frustration that i ‘wasted’ time when i could have been working - realistically, i would have spent those hours on my phone or full of shame and frustration instead of working anyway, so i allow myself to take the time i need. hope you’re all having a lovely november - it can be a brutal time of the semester, but we’re gonna be okay! we’ve got this.

when i open up the document with my advisor’s comments

picture of God herself

The thing about academia is that you can have a 12 hour day and it still doesn’t feel good enough

self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the Fucking void

May we suggest a Soothing Bath™ instead

You Are Going To Have So Much Success In 2018 (pass it on)

I nearly scrolled past, but I got nervous

Not risking this dude

trying to get back into it after the holidays

Me: I should practice more self care.

*takes a vitamin with my lukewarm coffee*