I'm deeply lonely and deeply bored in this place and that state of being allows my anxiety to expand and expand and find any way to feed itself, any way at all. It's exhausting. I'm tired of being anxious about every. little. thing. (and every big thing, too).
I *have* found some friends, but they're kind of surface-level people and I so far haven't connected very well with them. They're the kind of people who wouldn't be able to handle hearing about how (relatively) difficult my life has been because their lives have been nice and lovely. Anyway, we do things like go to running club and go camping and those have been great distractions. I actually felt some peace camping last weekend, in fact.
I've also found some cool people to organize with against a local coal mine reopening, and my relationships with them are much more nourishing because we have shared values. It's great, but between both groups I still feel like I spend the vast majority of my time alone and anxious. Weekends are scary prospects, and this weekend has an extra day so it's particularly difficult.
I talked a lot about this with my therapist. We both think that even when I move to a bigger place, I'm still going to feel this level of disconnection for two reasons: autism makes connection difficult for me; and, I'm not and never will be cured of my trauma, it's just something that will always require work. I'm not expecting my move in January to fix these problems for me, but I am hopeful that the numbers will work better for me. It's easier to find cool people when there are more people around, after all.
I also think that maybe it's time to medicate this anxiety. It's obviously got a biological component because even as a child I would find anything to be anxious about, whether it was aliens or nuclear war or some imagined extrapolation of a negative news story I saw. Today, I'm fixating on climate change, but it has nothing to do with that specifically. It's just pure anxiety and that's something I can fixate on easily. If it's not climate change, it's the helium shortage, or the possibility of a massive volcanic eruption, or, or, or, all the way to the friggin heat death of the universe. It's stupid, and I need some help to handle it.
Anyway, that's my little melancholy update for this lonely Saturday night. Cheers, y'all.