4 tickets to the Barbie movie

There had been small rumors floating around. 

I wish my job was hanging out and having fun ($1000/hr)

loudly going "YOU'RE GOOD YOU'RE GOOD" to myself to ward off the memory of every embarrassing thing i've ever done

hannibal’s name rhyming with cannibal is like vague enough to be a coincidence but he’s also a fancy chef who always serves organ meat and/or raw meat dishes that exactly line up with whatever body part disappeared from the FBI’s most recent batch of bodies, and he serves it to the FBI, who doesn’t notice

Who’s the biggest weed dealer in Baltimore? I have to consult my friend Hannibis Lecter, the renowned gardener

why did he do that

Ministry of Mischief - Raccoon tumblers

Good news! Not only have we discovered that tardigrades thwart destruction by turning themselves into glass, but we potentially have a future in which we can use their proteins to freeze-dry medications and vaccines to transport to disadvantaged communities!!

spoilers: they turn into glass. no jokes, folks.

Putting a spoiler on this article after I just said that part in my own post is levels of disrespect hitherto unseen. I think ur my dad now

JUST IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: THESE CUNTS TURN INTO GLASS

this made me laugh out loud in the theater BUT THE RATIO???? 😭😭😭

Holy Shit

My favorite part is kermits legs sticking out from behind her

Back of her jacket says “If you can read this, the frog fell off.”

I need him so bad it’s unreal

Hey, if you're a minor and you're following my blog, I just need you to be aware:

You have been on this earth for fewer years than my cat has.

She turns 20 this week, everyone please say happy birthday 🥳💖

anyone: you ok?

me: they fed that little girl her dead dad

anyone: what

me:

Did something to mourn over this game after it COMPLETELY WRECKED MY HEART WITH NO MERCY AT ALL