11.27.23

Overthinking. Not quite understanding. The more I apply pressure to these parts of my brain - so as to keep my heart alive I suffocate.

There are things I know as true. The ache I feel and longing To receive those things from you

But WE are not US anymore.

I once wished we could have been.

I know not yet how to BE.

There are any infinite numbers of timelines and possibility for me. To live any number or manner of life. But this is the one I find myself on. Unable to quantify the sum of my beliefs. Multiplying the many ways in which I bleed. Publicly. Privately. Entombed in the arms of another. Enveloped. Embraced. Absorbed. A lover. A carer. A vision.

A standard of basic necessity. No longer bare boned. High functioning. Attention deficient.

Easy.

Company. Concern. Compassion. A deep pool beckoning me to take a dip. A drink. To lay my concerns on its banks and bathe. Submerging myself in the cool waters. Freedom to swim. To float. To hear my breath loud in my ears. Reminders that I am alive. I feel. Im present. I ache. Im capable. To rest. The more my mind churns, the more tired I become. No longer treading but dreading - What might happen for me? If for a moment I lose track of whats happening to me.

What If I forget how to swim? What if the water decides it wants to drown me? What if it gets in my eyes and my mouth and I cannot scream for help? What if nobody is around to hear me? What if I no longer feel safe in these arms?

What if I am no longer ME??

11.27.23

these weeks these weeks have left me gasping grasping. for pieces of myself i once thought id never need these weeks. have left me weak

jumping at the hint of something familiar. a dream. a hope. a fantasy long remembered. i find myself putting words on paper. not caring if they make sense to me ive needed release.

relationships are hard. to maintain symbiosis with two very different creatures from very different orbits. with cravings realized and newly forming. this relationship is hard.

ive found myself desperate. for a love unlike any ive ever seen. my cravings for intimacy and an all-encompassing warmth to flood through me my cravings for a song not yet sung. strumming

+ unfinished draft 11.2022 +

note to self

09.19.22

Even if we do not last, you darling are well worth it.

04.02.22

i was nice + i am likeable = 

-Puddin

04.28.21

for the first time in ages i want more... this space, of needing more.. ive come full circle. my saturns return.

near the end of 2019, i felt like i couldnt continue on this path that ive been on.. i love my career... i am so very proud of what i have achieved so far. i love watching myself on screen and adjusting accordingly.. my eye and attention to detail have been paying off.

i am brave.

to bear my scars, my skin, my acne, my belly. to smile. stand tall. at 5′7.5″ - MY ASS STANDS TALL

theres no hiding for me. not anymore.

somehow tho.. this translation of confidence has yet to be made manifest in my everyday.

i feel the need to demand more..

these bones are tired of being so available. i used to pride myself in being so available. i have the ability to be there for everyone. i feel that I try my best to give my all in every situation.

this has proven again and again not to be in my best interest.

and even in my tears i still feel the need to hold my head high. to say i did my best and gave my all.. not sure why that even matters to be honest.

at the end of the day, i always feel so lonely...

i dont quite understand why im so fucking alone.  all the time. all ive ever really wanted was for someone to see me... all of me.. and love me. i often get the chance to see people.. or parts of them..  and i do my best to let them know that they are worthy of love..

that tho i may not be THE one.. i am one.. one person, who will love them as they are..

and i often wonder why ive never met anyone brave enough to do the same for me..

03.13.21

i used to be afraid of commitment. my fear of failure fueled the lie that i was unworthy of stability. unworthy of a promise to try my best when im not entirely sure i can deliver on that promise. instead i give my entire self fully. with no strings or structure attached. under the guise that i dont require the same in return. and i do it again and again and again. sometimes with many people. all at once.

what am i trying to prove to myself? that im good at loving?

what am i capable of?

04.02.21

thank goodness

we couldn’t be the people

we needed each other to be back then.

if I had become that girl, I wouldn’t even recognize this woman...