9/25

In the days leading up to your passing… I’m emotional to say the least.

I worked a wedding today. Just like last time.

Busy as a bee, but in the back of my mind knowing what the next few days entail for me.

Heart break. Because you weren’t there for us on our day, in person. Fully, Barbara. Fully, Nanny.

Today, while working, and getting every beautiful bridesmaid and the blushing bride ready, a song came on. On a playlist, made by the officiant to my knowledge.

And that song happened to be our wedding song.

Perfect. Ed Sheeran, Feat. Beyoncé.

Because everyone knows how much I love her. Even you. You always knew.

And something in me, unleashed. It literally felt like someone tugged at my heart strings.

The song that was playing was mine and Alan’s wedding song.

And I could not hold back the tears hard enough. I literally was packing up my bag to leave, with tears filling my eyes.

I didn’t dare let anyone see my tears. Not on her, the brides special day.

I kept my cool. As much as I could.

That was so hard. I didn’t want to damper the brides special day, but I also knew, in my heart, that song meant a lot to me. In many different ways.

While you weren’t with us that day, I know you were.

Nanny, he loves me so much. Just like you knew he would.

We love you.

I love you.

This is still so hard on me, but I know you’re always here ♥️

That sent me

One comment just sent me.

I’m not crying. Do not misunderstand me here. 

But I just posted our marriage license selfie (because is it real if you don’t?).

And Max commented and said “Barb would be so excited! ♥️”

I know you’re excited.

You’ve loved everything about Alan since the day you met him.

And I love that. I love that you love (yes, present tense) him and I so much ♥️🥰

I feel you around me.

Our songs play in the background at work and do I miss some of it playing, yes. But it always chimes in when my mind is at peace.

That’s how I know you’re with me.

Well, today’s the day.

Fuckity fuck damn it here it is.

Honestly it feels like yesterday.

I remember it all like it just happened.

One year since you’ve been gone.

I don’t even know why I post this shit to be honest.

Does it help? Yeah for a bit.

But my healing is so different and so weird every single step of the way.

I listened to Spirit in the Sky earlier. It happened to be the next song after one I certainly didn’t vibe with this morning. And I listened. I teared up a bit.

On my way home though really got me. I wasn’t busy anymore. Just me in the car. And if I’m honest, I don’t know what was playing or how I got home safely.

Somehow dad had an incident at work that could have very easily ended his life. Thank god it didn’t.

And I sit and I think, these things are you.

They’re all you.

The song this morning.

The silence and solitude of just me being with you and in my feelings.

And fucking thankfully, dad getting out of that burning equipment alive, unharmed, and here.

I sprayed your perfume on me this morning, I wept.

The little things are so great. I will say, one little thing I haven’t done is gone through your things. I just don’t know if I can right now. I really thought I could.

I’m just not ready.

Not today.

Just my mind will always remember this weekend vibe.

Funny enough today I did a wedding. Just as I did last year. It was great. Just as last year.

And by this time I had the news.

I remember not being able to hold the phone, I dropped it. Front porch. My patio set. To my left.

I couldn’t speak. Dad just said baby girl call me back when you’re okay. Basically. I can’t remember the phrases, the words. All I remember other than the gist of it was silence and me sobbing.

I was so shaken. I was so in the moment. But I couldn’t do anything but cry.

On the eve of your death. Here I am. With friends.

I’ve kept my sadness in all day.

I can’t do it much longer if I’m honest.

I can’t keep the sadness in.

It will hit me.

But wow. Not ready.

I went to get my dress today.

I surely wish you were here for the big reveal in February, but man I know you’ll be with me.

I love you.

Always.

This month is hard. Dad and I had a chat earlier and he is missing you so much.

I hate that life is going by so quickly and you’re not here to see it.

But I know you see it.

I know you see us all.

I haven’t written in a while.

As I come upon the month you left me...

It is hard.

As FUCK.

I think about it literally every single day.

The day you went away...

I don’t know if I’m ready to call it one year.

I always look for you. Your assurance.

And I don’t have it. Other than some sort of faith.

I haven’t gone through your things.

I plan to on the day. I hope it’s okay. I’m just not ready right now.

I have almost a month.

And I’m just trying to figure it out. For myself.

I don’t know how to do this.

Please show me something that day.

I love you so much. I always will.

I’m just broken.

A friend of mine lost a friend of hers.

I tried to give her some solid advice, something i wish I knew

She asked me how it gets easier.

Nothing about a loss gets easier.

I think what happens is the grief finally steps aside...

That’s when the good comes in.

We no longer yearn for anything we couldn’t touch, feel or say.

We finally hit the point where the grief turns into healing.

And a part of my healing, are replaying the memories. Seeing my family all there in my mind. And from that I have peace.

At least a little.

The pain of losing someone isn’t easy. It doesn’t go away. Ever. But the peace knowing they are safe and the memories you cherish, are worth equally, if not more than, losing them.

They shape who you are.

And they shape who you will be.

And that in itself, is fucking beautiful.

Remember my last post? About me being okay?

Sometimes things just hit you. And it’s funny the times that they do you. I’ve literally had such an awful week, but I’ve had my ups and downs this week. Some parts were good, some parts were bad.

And here I am, on my front porch at my house. And I noticed something on social media. One of my clients sadly, so sadly, laid her grandmother to rest last night. And honestly it struck me.

I now know the pain and the uncertainty that comes with losing someone so close to you. But somehow, as I’m crying writing this, my heart is in the best of places.

Sometimes all it takes is a smell, I thought, a memory to cross your mind. And in this day and age, an Instagram post from one of your clients, expressing how much love and how much care they had from their grandmother.

The struggle is never easy. I guess that’s why they call this a struggle. I guess, this will never be easy, constantly missing someone that you love so much.

As I sit here with tears falling down my face, messing up the make up that you always complimented me on, I am still finding my solace in knowing that you are happy. You’re happy to be in the place that you longed for. The place that you always wished you would be. The place that would give you everlasting love, knowing that your loved ones are sending that love from below.

Right now, I truly hope that you have found love and happiness where you are.

It’s all love from down here

Jan. 22. 2020.

Here I am.

I’m making it.

I am so thankful. If you can see this and see me I promise I’m at peace.

I will always love you

I am so happy that my thoughts are so positive. I’m happy I can remember us.

That’s all I’ve needed.

I know I am finally okay.

I can’t say I’ll be okay every moment of my life. But now, I feel so good.

Is this growth? Is it something else?

I don’t know.

“You always taught me to be good”

I love you, Nan.

“But I will try my best to be good, so I can pay my way

Straight through the pearly gates, into your arms so we can play

Once more.”

So this is Christmas

It’s a little off. A little odd.

I didn’t realize really until I got a text earlier from a family member.

You’re not here.

Nothing will be the same. No more dinner, no lunch, whatever the time. Nothing of the sort.

Quite vividly I remember Alan and I being at your house and he brought out what seemed like a million Victoria’s Secret boxes. The look on your face 😂 and it was all clothes! HA! We all laughed ♥️

What I would give to have that back...

I can’t drive over and see you. I’m not able to be with you right now. And frankly, ever.... physically, again.

But I hope this year you’re with me, and continue to be. I want it to be special for you.

And selfishly for me as well.

Merry Christmas, Nan xo

I didn’t realize this would be so hard; I’ve been good, great at times.

But right now I’m just not.

I’m hoping I will be.

And I hope you and your spirit help me get there xo

To follow up on my last post because I didn’t finish it....

My dog Chloe. Yeah. That was hard.

But tonight I’m reflecting.

It’s weird. I don’t know.

One moment I’m fine and another I’m struggling.

But right now I’m honestly in the middle.

I don’t know what I’m feeling, I have it’s an idea that I’m letting go... but I won’t ever let go.

I’m feeling free since my last post.

I’m getting back to a sense of normality. It’s hard... but I truly feel like I’m on the path to getting better with my loss and everything that’s happened this year.

It’s been a tough one.

And I can honestly say I’m on the path to recovery of loss. I think I’m finally okay with the loss of my friends, my family and my little fur babies.

It’s tough, I mean there are days when I question things and have struggled with depression and a lot of anxiety. Like a LOT.

Something has changed. I don’t know if it’s my new found appreciation for life or if it’s my new found appreciation for death.

Either way, I believe both are beautiful in their own twisted, blessed, glorious and at times disturbing ways.

Here I am.

I trying. I’m struggling. I’m okay. I’m undeniably conflicted in happiness and sorrow.

Welcome to my life.

Thanks for coming to my Ted-Talk

Here it is.

Today. (Writing 11/6) will probably continue later tbh. Like normal for me at this point. Will update or post accordingly if need be.

I’m here but honestly I feel so numb, so weird I guess for the lack of better terms. Idk, fucked? Maybe is the best way to say it? Fucked. Up. 

I think that’s right....

I’ve gone through my list of loss this year or trauma or heartache and... I am trying to find a way to cope. I can’t. Other then just keep going. Keep being strong.

Let’s start with my list.

1. Becky. Becky. My first client to ever pass. We were so close and I loved her SO much. Love her... every day.

2. Cassidy. My babe. My first friend at Paul Mitchell. She had some struggles. Some that we didn’t know and some we saw. Overdosed. Gone. Just... wow.

3. My mother’s mom, stroke.... oh God I was so upset. I thought that was it. Thankfully she’s doing fine. But still scary to say the least.

4. My little pup, my first ever, Rae. Cutest dapple dachshund that happened to slip upon the realm of death in an accidental way.

5. My grandmother.... my dads mom.... my Nan. My everything. Heart attack.

6. Another dog... thankfully in her sleep... Chloe. My sweet, rescue pup. My big girl.

The sky has finally opened.

It’s the holiday season. I feel okay. It’s hard at times. I feel like writing (typing) helps in moments like these. I’m reflective. I’m open, honest.

Thanksgiving was hard. Dad didn’t make it any easier with the testimonial to the family but... all I think about right now are the good times.

(Not shaming Dad, I needed it. I couldn’t speak. I only cried)

Our thing is Christmas.

I remember quite vividly one Christmas in particular.

Kevin got a G.I. Joe. Everyone called it a Barbie, without knowing that kid, that little kid, would be a respected Marine Veteran. Fighting in one of the most volatile and harsh wars we know in the US as modern citizens.

Cousin Tyler, as I knew him at the time because he and I were so small, was visiting with his mom and dad and I was so excited. I had a friend. I had friends in both of my cousins, but Tyler was close to my age. We found things funny that maybe Kev didn’t. That was okay; we all got along just fine. Until this day, we pick up right when’re we left off. Kids, dogs and new beginnings. Just fine, I’d say.

They’re family.

I remember watching, in her little house off Gingercake, the tv and we did gifts.

My aunt got me some cute stuff from Bath and Body Works and I remember loving every one of them. A glitter stick, a little balm, too much to go into.

This.... this is my memory.

We all had such a good time.

You were happy. We were all so happy. We were together.

Only physically. But now I know the importance of this memory. It is only a memory, but the importance isn’t of the past and how I felt just then. It’s how I feel now. This is a long lasting feeling. A feeling of family. No matter what we’re always here together.

We celebrate life, love, kindness and compassion as you did. As you would. As you do. I know you do. To this day.

We love you. I love you.

And there literally isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not reminded of you.

In song, in thought, in presence of someone that reminds me or gives me a glimmer of the human that I know that is you, Nan.

I see your love in life. I see your heart.

This Christmas may be hard, shit....

I know it will be.

But the memories.... they’ll live forever.

It’s me again

Here I am! Things have settled down. But my mind wanders occasionally

The last few days, two to be exact, my song, our song, had played for a moment on the SiriusXm in Alan’s car. I’ve not cried. I’ve listened to the verses and chorus as I’m getting out of the car, arriving home, or going to work. Never the same place in the tune, always different.

And tonight I shed one tear. I listened to my song for you and I’m kind of okay.

You’d like me. You’d be alright with where I am mentally.

But you should know, that where I am right now is so different than if you were here physically.

Here we are at the holidays. And I’m no longer to see you, but I feel you here with me.

As much as I want you here I know you’re in solace. In peace. In your place to feel and be the firecracker you’ve always been.

But I am here, we are here, wishing just for one last time, you’d be here too. I love you. And I am so... so very sorry for not being there more. But I am so thankful that you’re always here with me. In spirit. My spirit in the sky xo

I love you, Nan. So much.

10/30-19 I said I wouldn’t cry and here I am 11/6

And I’m not.

But wow I’m sitting here. I’m remembering the night I spent with my dad, his wife and my aunt.

Alan and my sister left. My heart broke. I wanted them with me. I didn’t know how to deal without them. Those two.... they’re my everything.

We had silence. We had a small window of silence. 

Then come the songs, the memories.

I remember listening to Rainbow by Kacey Musgraves. I remember my dad had a speaker in his shed in the backyard. I had his phone. I played this song.

I fell. I fell completely apart. In his arms I felt at home. I felt complete comfort in knowing this was it, this was what was supposed to happen. Kind of. My initial reaction was WHAT THE FUCK WHY. WHY HER. But... It was bound to.... it happened in a better way than I expected, if that’s not awful to say.

The disease didn’t take her... a heart attack... that’s what happened. Not the dementia. Thankfully. In... a very odd and weird way. Silent. Softly. Quick. No suffering.

Did I like it? Oh, fuck no. I didn’t accept it. I cried in my dads embrace for (what felt like an eternity) fifteen minutes at best. And... I felt home. I felt like this was meant to happen this way.

I think about the phone call, this moment, and every moment after like it was yesterday. I dropped my phone... I hadn’t felt this.. this pain.

But I’ve found myself not crying “at the drop of a hat” or for every mention.

It’s not because I don’t care. I am healing.

I remember all the good. And I hold on to that.

I love what we have. What we had. If you think about it that way. She truly... was my light. And the way I see it right now, she’s lighting my way.

Nanny I love you.

And even though I threw a glass the other day in the madness that is my mind, I know you saw me. You noticed my pain. And here we are, a solace I never thought I’d feel again.

I know you’re here.

I love you.

I’m not struggling as I was before, drinking too much, crying all the time, feeling empty.

My cup is full. I feel loved. I think of you every day. And I think of you with everything I do.

Writing because it helps; also this is edited after initially starting. Almost a week after.

I’m in the mountains.

It’s 1:41. I’m with my babe of a guy, my friends (who are basically family) and two pups that I adore.

My thoughts get away from me at times. Even with all the adventures and good stuff, my mind still goes back to you.

I swear it’s every moment that reminds me of our time, your time, the stories and memories that we share and the ones I wasn’t a part of but know about.

I wasn’t okay the other day. Or yesterday.

••••• forward to today

I’m pushing through.

••••• forward to 10/25/19

I’m chatting with a friend of mine that’s going through the same thing.

I’ve found myself reminding her that other points of her life can wait for her healing.

If they or whatever want her at 100% when she’s feeling less than 1% they’re not important.

She is the priority.

Her well being is important.

Sending these messsges remind me of the same.

It’s hard. It will always be hard.

But here I am. Publishing this tragic moment for myself and for her and although I’m in a different stage of grief, I am still feeling what she is feeling during this time.