Breastfeeding this time around..

It started off so amazing. Such a breeze. She latched on shortly after birth and knew exactly what to do.

Then we went home. Where there was one of me and three of them. While breastfeeding seemed to come so natural to both the baby and I, it became exhausting. It was so demanding between her cluster feeding and trying to pump after too. So I stopped pumping altogether during that phase. I got a clogged duct as a result. It took forever to get it out. I introduced formula because my supply was gone and I felt like I wasn’t getting her enough.

Around that time we had her doctors appointment with someone we don’t normally see. I should’ve known then to complete discard advice, but I was so drained I couldn’t think straight. He told me to nurse her and give her formula after, to make sure she’s getting enough. I listened.

Over the next few days while I was regaining my mind, she became more used to bottles and became more frustrated at my breast. We had already been using a nipple shield throughout this.

Bottles just continued to increase. I’m down to pumping once a day and she’s extremely frustrated trying to nurse. She won’t even attempt it without a nipple shield.

I’m so sad.. I I wanted this so badly with her and I feel like I’ve failed.

I need help. Is it too late? She’s only four weeks. I don’t want to give up. I not only want to be able to get into a good pumping routine, but I want to be able to nurse her without a nipple shield too.

Advice? Routine suggestions?

Halloween 2018 🎃

It’s been a really long time,

So much has changed.

I’m a mother of three now. Two little boys and a little girl. It’s amazing. So amazing. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I’m struggling though. I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. I’m doing the best I can, but it’s not enough.

I’m the only provider for us. I’m currently on an unpaid leave and that’s all I can stress about. Time away = no checks coming in. Breastfeeding. Holy fuck. Can we talk about how something so natural is really fucking hard? Because wow. The boys have whole schedules at school. Real school. This little girl has me wrapped around her finger. She wants to be held and nurse constantly. Which is amazing.. but I’m up to my eyeballs in laundry. It takes at least three nursing sessions to do a sink full of dishes.

It’s hard.

I’m trying though. Every day I try to tackle all of it a new way. A better way.

I’ll get the hang of it, right?

6 weeks & 6 days

Tomorrow I’m getting an ultrasound to take a little peak inside. There’s a little bit of confusion on far along I am, because in December I had two periods a week apart from each other. Which is extremely unheard of for me. I’m usually pretty regular.

I’ve decided that I’ll be taking Ayden & Mason with me so they get to experience that moment with me. They’re so excited to have a little brother or sister. But like myself, they’re already convinced it’s our little girl.

They know and understand the situation with the baby’s father. It makes them livid to know he doesn’t want to be involved. Speaking to me like grown men about how they’ll do anything to protect this baby so well, it won’t matter if he ever comes around.

He’s missing out for sure. She’s going to be somebody great.

Things are all around and within me are changing and it’s time to make room for you. I haven’t been able to catch my breath since the moment it was confirmed there’d be a you. You’ve only been growing inside of me for a short while now... but your whole life has already flashed before my eyes. I’ve felt this need from the very beginning to protect you with all I have in me.

My four year olds 😭😭😭😭

My bond with these two just continues to grow and strengthen through anything we face.

Life lately, has been beautiful. Not everything has been perfect, effortless or always with ease.. But things have been steady, hopeful moving forward. When I first moved into my apartment, the silence hurt my ears. I'd have to have music playing, the TV going, anything to avoid meeting that silence. That just made me curious though. What was I avoiding? And why? I realized this was due to the chaos I had become used to living with. Not the average chaos a household hears throughout the day with two little boys running freely. The kind of chaos that eats away at your soul, prevents you from sleeping at night, begs you to sleep the day away. I remember staring at myself in the mirror throughout it. Watching my face change, my skin, my eyes. It was so beyond my understand what could possibly be happening, that was causing this changes. I was watching the life being sucked from within me and couldn't even put my finger on it. We've been back on our own for nearly a month now and I'm no longer trying to escape the peace. I love the way it sings to me. ❤️

My little Bee was finally diagnosed with asthma. For the longest, he's battled with it. But they never wanted to give him the official label. Instead, calling it reactive airway disease. Yesterday his little episode was the worst yet. He was admitted into the hospital for the first time, given an IV.. The whole 9 yards. Throughout it, my sweet little boy has been so positive, strong and wise beyond his years. His dad and I took shifts. I got to the hospital around 1am so he could go home to sleep. I was able to cuddle up right next to Macey in bed. He took a peek to see what was going on and noticed I was there. Such a sense of relief washed over his face. He smiled so bright, waved and went back to sleep. Today things are better. Things are calming. We're still waiting on the next step. But now with the proper diagnoses comes proper treatment, rather then just a bandaid fix. Because there was never the label of asthma, all we could do was try a neb or two at home until he was worse enough to bring into the ER. Where they give him a few more, along with a steroid or two. Rinse and repeat the next time this problem arises.