Dear everyone, I'm sorry. I've caused so much trouble, haven't I? My depression always gets in the way of most of my friendships and I can't help it, I'm really sorry. I tried my best to be happy, but in the end, theres always a visible frown on my face.
Would it be selfish to take my own life? To leave all my family and friends behind, obliterate the memories and fill the void in my heart with just this? Is it selfish to leave you a letter apologizing when I know this is wrong yet it feels so right, it feels like that I should do?
I don't like sad goodbyes, in fact, I cry. But I won't cry this time, fists are clenched by my sides and I promise I'm holding back the tears. My eyes are emotionless now, I feel nothing, nothing. So if I die, won't it be the same thing?
Ah, there's so much I wanted to do too. I wanted to go to a SHINee concert, I wanted to be happy, I wanted to smile and listen to their music. I wanted to continue to support them. I wanted to visit all these different places, I was looking forward to graduating Highschool early too.
Its funny, I used to live the life. I had all I could ask for. Friends that supported me, that listened to me, that would want to willingly hang out with me, but life taught me that one slip up can fuck you up for life, that's why I'm here drowning in my loneliness.
Forever doesn't exist. Friendship can't and won't last forever, either. It's better off to be alone, or maybe, just maybe it's better to be dead. To see nothing, to feel nothing, to hear nothing, just silence and emptiness. It'd be nice to get some peace and quiet.
Dad, was I too beautiful for you not to touch? Did you really mean you loved me in a fatherly way or was that just an excuse to slip your filthy hands under my night gown? I laugh at you because everyone pretends to like you, it's really funny how people lie, just like you when you cheated on Mom isn't it?
Hey, hey. I forgive you for making me feel dirty, for taking advantage of my body when I said no, when I couldn't push you off of me. Men like that kind of stuff, huh..? or at least that's what I've been told. Forced sex doesn't exist, that's what everyone says. Even after you tainted my body, I still find it in me that I'm in love with you. Helplessly. I still talk about you as if we were still dating.
And to my friends that have abandoned me, was that rumor fucking worth it? Do you think I would betray you all after 4 years of pure trust and fun? He lied to you. He lied to all of you, every single one, and what baffles me is to believe someone who just moved here over your best friend. Sometimes, on weekends, I still wait for you to call.
And to the world, thanks for nothing.
You know, I really like to sleep a lot. So I'm going to sleep for a longer length of time. You can call it forever, if you'd like.
Love,
Aya.
