The Blood Moon Rises

A Half-dragon gnome sorcerer, human shotgun fist monk, and a human shadowmancer all stand in a bell tower during a full pale-red moon. After deciding they should ring the bell to alert the town that they are in the haunted courthouse.

Half-Dragon: I want to roll for knowledge on the moon.

DM: Really? You want to roll for the moon?

Half-Dragon: Yes. *Rolls a nat 20*

Party: *starts laughing*

DM: GODDAMNIT IT WAS SETTING THE SCENE. You know what fine. *Provides a link to the Eberron moons page.* It’s Aryth.

Half-Dragon: *Reads about Aryth the Gateway moon, whose affiliated sign is the Dragonmark of Passage.* Okay now lets ring that bell.

DM: Are you sure you want to ring it? Last chance to turn back.

Party: …

Half-Dragon: PULL THE LEVER! *she pulls the lever to ring the bell*

The bell starts ringing, as it rings the town becomes swathed in spectral blue flames, followed by the popping up of blue spirit children laughing, and cackling. While the moon now looks about five times closer.

DM: *Laughing manically*

Party: *Starts crying*

Half-Dragon: *Realizes implications of the GATEWAY moon* I fucked up.

Random Headcanon: That Federation vessels in Star Trek seem to experience bizarre malfunctions with such overwhelming frequency isn’t just an artefact of the television serial format. Rather, it’s because the Federation as a culture are a bunch of deranged hyper-neophiles, tooling around in ships packed full of beyond-cutting-edge tech they don’t really understand. Endlessly frustrating if you have to fight them, because they can pull an effectively unlimited number of bullshit space-magic countermeasures out of their arses - but they’re as likely as not to give themselves a lethal five-dimensional wedgie in the process. All those rampant holograms and warp core malfunctions and accidentally-traveling-back-in-time incidents? That doesn’t actually happen to anyone else; it’s literally just Federation vessels that go off the rails like that. And they do so on a fairly regular basis.

So to everyone else in the galaxy, all humans are basically Doc Brown.

Aliens who have seen the Back to the Future movies literally don’t realise that Doc Brown is meant to be funny. They’re just like “yes, that is exactly what all human scientists are like in my experience”.

THE ONLY REASON SCOTTY IS CHIEF ENGINEER INSTEAD OF SOMEONE FROM A SPECIES WITH A HIGHER TECHNOLOGICAL APTITUDE IS BECAUSE EVERYONE FROM THOSE SPECIES TOOK ONE LOOK AT THE ENTERPRISE’S ENGINE ROOM AND RAN AWAY SCREAMING

vulcan science academy: why do you need another warp core

humans: we’re going to plug two of them together and see if we go twice as fast

vsa: last time we gave you a warp core you threw it into a sun to see if the sun would go twice as fast

humans: hahaha yeah

humans: it did tho

vsa: IT EXPLODED

humans: it exploded twice as fast

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from reading fanfiction, it’s that clear communication will save you at least three chapters of angst.

Bonus:

Will never not reblog this xD

first rule of disney fandom : always reblog peter and tink going to starbucks

holy weapons save the day

small bit of context: there is a pearl that is basically a portkey to another world. touch the pearl, fail the high dc save, and you get transported to the other world. i’m the dm; one player has multiclassed to be lvl6 cleric with lvl5 bard

cleric/bard: i would like to use my holy weapon to scoop up the pearl so i’m not touching it, and put it somewhere safe.

me/dm: ok, how specifically?

cleric/bard: i’m going to use my holy frying pan to scoop the pearl, and drop it in my cooking pot.

me: you can try. roll dex…

cleric/bard: natural 20.

me: -sigh- you use your holy frying pan to lift up the pearl and manage to drop it in the cooking pot without getting sucked in and i hate you.

So how did you get your spells

Wizard: through constant study

Cleric: through the grace of my god

Druid: through the blessing of the earth itself

Warlock: through my patron’s knowledge

Sorcerer: Through my ancestor’s power

Bard: Well I just started making fun of a goblin one time and he just like died and it was the weirdest crap ever

arc-of-light said:

here you go

secondhand embarrassment is pure agony and i wish a lot of comedy didnt rely on it

Bruh

Brawler: Can I use Flurry of Blows to throw two snowballs at once?

DM: You know what? Why the fuck not.

people say ‘I love you’ in a lot of different ways

‘eat something’

‘buckle up’

‘get some sleep’

‘here have my fries’

‘Im gonna draw you something’

“You’re a dork”

‘Be safe’

‘You can have the last slice’

‘did you get home okay?’

this makes my insides warm

“As you wish”

“It is finished”

“You want some?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“I got you”

it makes me really uncomfortable that 12am comes before 11am

let’s file this under things that I was not fully aware of until a text post happened

Unless you use military time/24 hour clock, then 11:00 hours always comes before 12:00 hours, if you are in the same timezone. And midnight is 00:00 hours.

If you lost me in a crowd, what "offensive" thing could you yell that'd be GUARANTEED to track me down? :P

Click on it twice. These are your two super powers.

everyone else always seems to fucking get cool shit and i always get like “gel manipulation” and “using dust along w/ your fighting style”

#i love this game i play it every time#ok ok#discord inducement#thats causing discord and strife in a group#ok cool#and#owl physiology#what the fuck??#im a fucking owl#im an owl who will make u hate ur friends#what the HELL is this (via oscarjulietsierra)

When somebody asks about an obscure subject you know a lot about