Tha knows

at what point is it ok for you to tell your boyfriend you love him?

i just realised that im going to see my crush once before christmas, IF i get to see him, and then im going to spend another two weeks not seeing him im sorry but i cant do this 

another very awkward moment in my life was when i was hanging out with my crush and i was scrolling through my dashboard to find a post and some nsfw pictures and gifs showed up. the best part was that instead of just ignoring it i thought it'd be a good idea to explain why i had porn on my dash and honestly i had a pretty good explanation but nothing explains why i thought it'd be better to point out the porn instead of just ignoring it

it's been 2 days since i started my relationship with my crush and i'm going to have to leave and not seee him for at least 16 days, honestly i'm so upset about it, when things are finally working out and we're in a good place and i feel happy about how things are i have to leave and be away from tht and im just really so upset im going to miss him so much 

yesterday was raining and cold and my crush came over and we watched medianeras and then we were in the couch talking and it was 2 am and we were cuddling and it just felt so good and right, for the first time i was with someone and i didnt feel trapped or suffocated it was right and then it me how happy i was like i had this incredibly warm feeling in my chest and my whole body was filled with that warmth and idk i really cant explain it but i dont think ive ever been that happy and it was so overwhelming i could feel the tears in my eyes it was the first time i cried of happiness bc of something i had in my life and honestly it was just so great i really was so happy

every time i see my crush i can feel my skin itching to touch him and my arms tingling to be around him and my lips getting dry bc they're not kissing his and my heart aching bc i can't have him

yesterday my crus came over and he told me he has been thinking a lot about us and that he really wants to be in a relationship with me bc he really likes me and we work so well together but he is scared of losing me or something like that bc relationships end and they make things complicated (or something like that) and i remember him telling me some other stuff related to that bu  cant remember what bc i was too drunk

my crush is coming over and i think that maybe theres a chance we might talk about "us" and honestly im very nervous

i just remembered that yesterday whe my crush said he was going to need some time to think i started to sing youn lion to him 

also i just want to say one last time how much i hate the way i deal with people and relatonships and how submissive i am and how i Always put everyone before me

and during the whole time i was talking about my relationships and how i felt and it was too much and i just wantd to cry i could feel my eyes getting full of tears and my voice breaking and i had to hold it back andhe noticed it and  i was ok with it like it wasnt very nice bc opening uplike that is awfl but i was ok wit who i was opening up to

how great is it to have a relationship disucssion without even having a relationships

so today i got slightly drunk and so did my crusg and we kissed and is said that what we were doing is stupid and he asked if i thought that us kissing was stupid or if us kissing only while we're drunk is stupid and basically that led to us discussing our relationship and our feelings and i told him that i had feelings for him since we started talkinga nd making out bu  was confused and it took me a long time to understand i actually like him na i want to be with him an he told me about his exes and from hat i got he still has feeings for his ex also basically all his relationships were pretty terrible and he had a pretty hard time with them and he is scared of us having somehing and then things ending up like they did with his other relationships and us hating each otheand he doesn't want that and he kind of told me he isn't ready for a relationship and i told him that is ok that i don't want him to be with me if he's is insecure or scaed somethng might happen and that he should only be with me if he feels iike t is right and that if im ok if he wants to be only friends we talked a lot and by the end he said he liked the idea of being in a relationship and being with me and basically he's going to think about it and decide what he wants to do and im going to be he just waiting and hoping everything turns out  

i talked to my crush today

i told him i like him

he told me he likes me

we still dont know what we're going to do

i might have fucked evrything up

the importante thing tho is:

he likes me

seriously where i my crush i kind of. really. need. him right now i need  talk to him and i need to hug him and i need him to mke me feel good again

honestly how sad is it that i have to wash m clothes on my friend's house bc i dont havea washing machine