black soul

“Are you ever so sad that you can actually feel your heart ache.”

“I’m really afraid to feel happy because it never lasts.”

“I never understood how trauma could eat away at people’s souls until it destroyed mine. I sit, watching a simple video of someone rubbing a fruit. Sure, it had sexual connotations, but I wasn’t prepared to see those fingers as yours on me. I remember seeing nothing suddenly because of all the tears. I’ve never been talented at describing pain, but I know this one. It’s the kind that twists my heart and squeezes every tear out. It’s burns from the inside like a knife dragging into your skin deeper and deeper as you suffocate from the smoke. Don’t breathe because every breath feels like it’s breathed through cracked ribs. There you sat right across from me so blissfully unaware while I desperately held on to my sanity. How does it feel to have someone take something so intimate from you? How does it feel to be brutally violated by someone you trusted who is now in every waking nightmare and whose hands were covered in you? How does it feel to see the hands that were shoved into you and all over your body attached to someone you thought you knew? How will you ever look this person in the eye? How will you ever look anyone in the eye knowing it could be them? How does it feel to think you deserved it because they drew out that pleasure? How does it feel to want to escape that guilt so bad that you’re sitting at the edge of a cliff wondering what the bottom is like? How does it feel to see the dark figure in the middle of the night take everything from you as you struggle helplessly like an animal for slaughter? How does it feel to have someone real be your demon? How does it feel to not be able to breathe every time someone comes close? How does it feel to have nails dug into your skin not come close the pain of their proximity? How does it feel to never be able to wash off this filth that lies in your mind, on my skin? I wish I could tell you, but no lexicon, however advanced, will every do these horrors justice.”

“Being traumatized for the rest of your life is the worst thing that can happen. It always feels like it happend yesterday. Every day you try to get better but inside It’s always inside.”

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.”