Linh

trying to write more on here because i have definitely fell off during college, and minh graciously reminded me of that the other day. and i guess what better way to help my writing than to reflect on this past quarter of my MSW program and the incredible people i’ve come into contact with?

i wish all these pictures could include everyone who has deeply touched me. and i don’t even really know where to begin… all i know is, these people and many others have saved me. saved me from falling further into the depths of insecurity, depression, self-hate, frustration. and allowed me to begin to visualize the light. that there are people out there and actually here in america who—despite just beginning to interact with me on a daily basis—truly enjoy my presence and think i’m great to be around, even though i have been scared shitless that i am too boring in conversations. people who have come up to me to specifically let me know how much they enjoy being with me or have reached out to get to know me more (even though every single time my first thought was: that’s because you haven’t realized how boring i actually am). that during moments where i have visions of my life ending, i also feel more strengthened and grounded in rejecting that thinking.

people that i’ve only known for a few months but also felt like a few years. and i think in this message Lo really sums up this bizarre bond that i have with these people. the appreciation and care i have for them truly cannot be articulated, and i only hope it stays this way (+ more).

I ended up taking these notes with me instead.

What a moment of fucking depersonalization—seeing myself lying alone on the bed of someone I’ve only known for 8-9 weeks, listening to Adele, not wanting to be home, but also not feeling like I had anywhere else to go to.

Asking myself, what the fuck?

Always such an anxious child

Never wild, always worrying

Never any good with surprises, compromises

I wanted everything

They'd tell me, everything is not about you, ooh

It doesn't matter who you are

Everything is not about you

But if you work hard

Are we supposed to be happy now?

There's nothing left for me to laugh about

I was supposed to be happy now

They're all so happy for me

Happy now

my 504 final. 6 dec 2021. what a day.

so thankful to feel so safe in this space and also learn so much about others through their presentations.

i got very bad social anxiety right before this—fearing it would not be as fun as the first time but also knowing that it would. and i was lucky to catch and name my anxiety. i got to daniel’s apartment half an hour early because i had a mix-up, and so i just stayed in my car, processing my anxiety and bundle of emotions.

i joined logan and wendy at the door waiting to be let in. wendy asked me how my day was going. i said meh, could be better. immediately i was met with a look of concern but also understanding and compassion? i wanted to break down and cry and say i did not know why i was feeling so sad. that my baseline emotion was sadness and anxiety. i quickly said “ya know, just the usual social anxiety” and brushed it off. i mentioned being half an hour early, and wendy said logan had been early, too. we could’ve joined each other.

it was a fun night filled with laughters. but throughout i was noticing moments when i didn’t exactly get along with the conversation, when i didn’t quite hear the joke or have a good comeback, when i was not the receiver of a joyful look. i was clinging to those moments and feeling deeply hurt. i could feel it, the feeling of being left out. but at the same time i was having so much fun.

i went home and cried a good amount. i hated that people seem to be more serious when they’re alone with me and less joyful. i couldn’t shake the feeling that i was included just for the sake of inclusion and not because they genuinely wanted me there. which was a bunch of nonsense because i know everyone enjoyed my presence. i know. i know because these people make sure i know how important i am.

that night, i cried and beat myself up for always defaulting to sadness. i hated that i was so negative all the time.

i’ve had some more time to process what i felt. i know now it’s a defense mechanism that my body has developed because i have not felt truly belonged and welcomed in so long. in any group i have been in all the others always seem to have known about something that i didn’t know. it began very early on in my life but was most apparent in high school, so many micro-aggressions, so scarring, oh god. and it didn’t get quite better after that. wild to see how much of that has created a trauma response in me now.

i was always the floater, approachable to everyone but also no capacity to hold longer term connections. and so when there was a slight hint of that happening that night, my body flung to self-defense—thinking that i was being left out, that i was not well included. but that was not the case that night and that was just a way for me to distance myself. i was being welcomed sincerely for the first time in a very long time, and that vulnerability scared the shit out of me.

Wishing I could go back to tell my high school self that it was okay that I was not happy. That I felt like crying every other night. That it’s okay I burst out in tears in my brother’s room and couldn’t answer chi Hien’s question of what makes me sad. That it’s okay I couldn’t stand it anymore those last few weeks of senior year, so I was intentionally staying in Ms Valbuena’s room for lunch.

Wish I could tell myself that there was nothing wrong with me, that it made sense to feel what I felt because I was going through three full years of micro-aggressions from those I desperately wanted to be friends with. Three whole years of minimizing myself so much I lost touch with my wants and emotions, clinging to the smallest hint of respect and attention and thinking that it was alright.

Three whole years of racialized trauma that I still am unpacking now.

I am my mother's child, I'll love you 'til my breathing stops

I'll love you 'til you call the cops on me

But in our darkest hours, I stumbled on a secret power

I'll find a way to be without you, babe

How did i just now know about this song and its beautiful chorus omgosh…

Lately when making new friends, I have been thinking about and trying to embrace potential differences between me and others, so that I can be friends with those who are different from me but still be able to care for and understand them.

Yet—now thinking about it, my friendship with Phương Linh has definitely been one like that, a friendship that transcends apparent differences and fosters mutual understanding and respect.

On the outside, Phương Linh and I are nothing alike. She follows a chic and minimalistic style, while I strive to wear bright and bold. Our interests can be vastly different (our YouTube recs probably vary intensely), with jokes and humor coming from distinctively separate styles and communities.

But Phương Linh has a knack for making others feel heard in conversations. She constantly inspires me with her genuine and eager curiosity for the stories of others. She approaches differences through a lens of learning with lots of questions instead of competition, comparison, or contempt. This then allows Phương Linh to thoroughly empathize and understand how others feel, think, and react, while making the rest of us feel validated and recognized. This radical empathy can and does backfire on her sometimes, but what personality trait doesn’t?

We have both grown a lot since our high-school, dumping-our-shit-on-tumblr, writing-melodramatic-instagram-captions, over-romanticizing-random-things days. But if asked whether to go through it again, I would—because through those days Phương Linh and I established our connection, something that we have continually worked on strengthening and shaping. Our time together nowadays consists a lot less of sentimental sharing but rather so much more comfort, transparency, and effort to grow.

Minh has the rare kind of presence that generates visible energy changes in the room—both low and high. The kind that demands your attention, brightens your mood, makes you not want to lose out on, and keeps you missing. The kind that ensures Minh stand out in the crowd, that has had him many times question how he appears to and is perceived by others but also helps Minh attract likeminded and genuine friends. And it definitely brought us together, 8 years ago and now.

fmrn