On reading nooks

When I was 11 years old, I shared a bedroom with all of my siblings. During summer, I'd spend days creating a small reading nook for myself in a corner of the bedroom. The components were simple - a side table, a lamp, and books. I didn't have a lot of books back then so I'd take some from my mom's collection.

This simple corner would always bring me peace and calm. The best part about it is that I could recreate it anywhere.

Life got crazy after those years. I grew taller, I graduated, got jobs, moved in and out of apartments, got in and out of relationships, gained and lost friends, got married... I grew up and older.

Everywhere I am, I take my reading nook with me but for the first time today, I felt like I was seeing my 11 year old self and she's seeing me. She marvels at my book collection and I find comfort in her optimism. I'd tell her how much I missed not doing anything and just reading. So, we sat there, got our books and did just that.

On creating

To celebrate my husband's birthday this year, we plan to go on a trip to Baguio. And in an attempt to demonstrate what that place means to me, I've managed to unearth a video I've created 9 years ago which shows some of the things I see whenever I visit there.

I prepared to cringe as I pressed the play button but to my surprise, no cringe was felt. What I felt instead was a sense of confusion and regret, "why did I not do more of this?" and "why did it take me this long to watch it again?"

Of course we all know the answer to that. I was told I needed money to survive and so I ended up chasing after that. But I'm realigning myself to what truly matters to me now and I'm grateful that 24 year old me has left this crumb to guide me back to the place where I can create for myself.

On falling asleep

The room smelled of the cheap whitening lotion. Put me in a place with a water heater and air-conditioning and I'll suddenly be all about skincare. I go under the blanket, get into my phone scrolling position and waited for my eyes to protest as I've been doing every night for a few years now.

My husband settled in the bed shortly afterwards and I mentally prepared to get out of my comfortable position and have all the skin care product on my face get messed up by the good night kiss. This is also what we've been doing for a few years now.

To my surprise, he did not do this tonight. As he was arranging the blanket to cover his legs he said to me, "Sleep na tayo?" (Should we go to sleep now?) I could not figure out why this made me feel good but I smiled, turned my phone's wi-fi setting off, and lay down facing him. My body felt relaxed, present, and happy.

For years, I've always seen falling asleep as an individual thing we do every night. We may get into bed with another person but no matter how connected we are with this person, we don't fall asleep at exactly the same time nor do we have the same dreams. My husband and I would often get into bed at the same time. We'd talk briefly about our days, say our good nights and cuddle. He'd fall asleep first and I would be left like a bedside lamp lighting the room with the screen on my face.

I can't say I enjoyed falling asleep like this. I just thought this was the norm. I couldn't imagine how slowly becoming unconscious together be romantic. But his question made me rethink this.

It was not an order nor a statement. It was an invitation. He made me feel like it was a new thing despite it being something we've been doing for years and it was all because he offered me a choice.

Would I want to keep looking at random content from the internet or would I want to spend the last few minutes of the day with the love of my life? When I had to make that choice I was immediately reminded of what was in front of me.

We fell asleep facing each other, smiling and holding hands. We eventually had to change positions for our backs, of course. We're in our 30's after all.

Early 30's

It has been six days since I quit coffee. Just taking it one day at a time. 

I took it regularly, averaging 1-3 cups a day, for 12 years. I loved it so much I even worked as a barista at one point. But all things must come to an end, especially things that cause migraines and anxiety. This is my third attempt to quit and I’m hoping that this will be the most successful one.

I’m also undergoing other changes in my life aside from being decaffeinated. One is that I’m beginning to accept that I am transitioning to another career. Unfortunately for me, my life is not a youtube video and I did not turn into another professional in a span of 3 months. I wanted to but I guess I needed more time.

So here I am, picking up where I’ve left off six months ago. Dusting off notes from my Data Science and UI/UX courses and continuing. Small steps forward but forward steps nonetheless. I even find the energy to include some sort of physical activity in my days now which was really difficult for me to even think about a year ago. Hey, I even started posting on tumblr again.

All good things.

This is my younger brother and his son.

For the past 3 months my brother has been working graveyard shifts on a call center. He just earned a degree in hospitality last year and is an amazing cook but the pandemic has forced him to begin on a different career path.

In the morning, I'd see him come home from work looking exhausted, eager to hold his son but chores would usually get in the way. At night, he'd try to squeeze a few minutes to play with him but my nephew would already be sleepy or cranky.

My father left when I was still an infant so I didn't know how it was like to have a father around. Seeing my brother become one is nothing short of wonderful.

He's exhausted but he shows up every single day and tries and tries and tries again. I'm grateful that I get to see him grow into the dad that he is.

Haven't written anything for years. Hate that this was the reason for me to do it again

Two years ago, tambay ako ng TED website. Dito ako usually kumukuha ng lakas para madagdagan ang kagustuhan kong gumising sa umaga. Then life happened, which isn't negative per se, unexpected nga lang at out of control. Araw-araw maraming natutunan pero may nababawas at nagbabago rin. Gaya ng kagustuhang gumising sa umaga. Nakakatawa lang na nakita ko ulit ito ngayon, yung ginawa kong printout ng transcript ng lahat ng paborito kong TED talks. Binabasa ko pa 'to araw-araw dati, pero ngayon nakalimutan ko na. Ewan ko ba. Eto ata talaga ang hirap kapag naglilinis ng kwarto, biglang nagiging madrama.

This brought me to a major aha moment and to some long pauses. "Breathing isn't really something that you do but something that you witness as it happens. Breathing happens by itself." - Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth

When i was in college, when things get a bit too overwhelming, i’d go up my dorm rooftop and look at the makati skyline. I remember feeling so excited about graduating, about finally working. About actually making a real difference. About having a place in this busy world. It was one of the things that always kept me going.

Now im here in makati, at another rooftop and i find myself looking forward again though i cant see anything ahead. Still, i feel hopeful. Still yearning. Still wanting to move forward.

Maybe, all these years, it wasnt the view that pushed me forward. Maybe that was just me pushing myself forward. Maybe i already had everything i needed. Maybe I could do it again. No more skyline views. Armed with nothing but the pure will to move forward.

Having balbacua for the first time as the creature in the tv watched (at Ililikha Artist Village)

I'm keeping this moment forever. Bon Iver's singing, birds are chirping, and my window's letting the soft wind and sunlight in. I'm just here, present, now.

Last June I promised myself that i’ll write a post. It’s December already so there you go. Somehow turning 25 (last week) made me feel like I have to take a pause just to soak up the moment.

Truth is (and to summarize), I’m torn between getting my shit together and living my life to the fullest. I want to be healthy but I also want to have three slices of pizza/ entire slab of lechon kawali with some cold beer. I want to train for that marathon or follow that quick yoga video in the morning but my fingers somehow learned how to auto-snooze my alarm. I want to keep my thoughts in the present but somehow they manage to escape me and go on auto-pilot. I want to stay productive the entire day but I always find something else to distract myself with.

25, there are still things I’d like to change about myself. Only difference is I’m more understanding of my learning processes. Not quite there yet but getting better at getting my shit together.

They weren't in tune nor in sync but they finished the happy birthday song without annoying each other 😆 #ProudAte

Wednesdays won't be the same again now that weekly site meetings are over. Cheers to everyone who worked hard behind the scenes, turning drawings into real structures. Without them, our work is nothing but ink on paper.

I’ve gotten so good at forgetting that I get confused when I see old entries I’ve written or old photos I’ve taken.

Memory is such a funny thing. No matter how much thought you put into living your life or how much of a big deal everything seems to be at the moment, in the end, you still get to pick the parts that you want to remember. You get to change what happened, at least in your own mind.

at Yuchengco Museum