.fallingforyou

Omg thank you so much for your kind words!

I know it literally makes no sense that after all the stuff that happened I still feel this way about him. That’s the only thing I kinda blame myself for, not listening to the people in my life that throughout the whole mess kept telling me to leave him behind and move on. Like, every time he’d text me my heart would start racing and I’d immediately forget all the reasons why keeping him in my life wasn’t the healthiest thing for me. I can’t wait for the day when I’ll finally realize he’s just a Fuckboi who didn’t deserve all the energy I wasted on him.

I guess realizing this is a first step towards haling, yet I still care for him as a human??  I’ll do a read more to explain what I mean. 

The other day when he audio’d me on Friday night we started talking and at one point he said like “sorry love i’m at dinner now, i’ll listen to it later” and I knew that he was having this dinner with his friends from football and afterwards they were going to pull a heavy night, which means getting high/wasted and going clubbing. So I expected he’d answer when he’d wake up the next day, around 2pm or something. On Saturday as the hours passed, I checked every now and then if he was online on WhatsApp, bc he’s literally all the time on there but that day he was never online. 

So I started worrying?? Also bc, I knew that with him, things can get turn bad real quick. 

**** Sidestory: if I hadn’t painted an ugly enough picture of him, you should know that when he was younger he’d do this heavy night thing much more often, and he will tell you proudly that when he’s drunk he gets “evil” which often lead him to do crazy shit, get into fights and be thrown out of clubs. Like in one of these occasions years ago he ended up in the hospital with idk how much physical damage but he’s now half-deaf from one ear from a well-directed punch. 

Btw he’s not that big, so i’m pretty sure he was for the most part on the receiving end during these fights, and now if you look closely enough he still has a number of little scars on his face. Also, I know of a bunch of reasons why he was doing that - if you give him the chance he’ll vomit on you much of his troubled backstory - he has been through some shit (but then again, who hasn’t? I know!) but that’s definitely one of the things that made me care for him this deeply. **** 

At around 8pm I even checked the local news websites bc i was getting very worried??  there was this one article about a car crush around his area which left one guy dead and that title gave me minor heart attack, only to find out that the description didn’t match him, but i kinda died for a second there. 

He finally answered to my audio from Friday at about 11pm that Saturday saying that he was just recovering from the night before, that he had puked his soul, so it was all good. After a short while the conversation died and i stopped answering. 

So, I followed this story about this fuckboi now and let me tell you one thing: you deserve people being nice to you

Omg thank you so much for your kind words!

I know it literally makes no sense that after all the stuff that happened I still feel this way about him. That’s the only thing I kinda blame myself for, not listening to the people in my life that throughout the whole mess kept telling me to leave him behind and move on. Like, every time he’d text me my heart would start racing and I’d immediately forget all the reasons why keeping him in my life wasn’t the healthiest thing for me. I can’t wait for the day when I’ll finally realize he’s just a Fuckboi who didn’t deserve all the energy I wasted on him.

I guess realizing this is a first step towards haling, yet I still care for him as a human??  I’ll do a read more to explain what I mean. 

The other day when he audio’d me on Friday night we started talking and at one point he said like “sorry love i’m at dinner now, i’ll listen to it later” and I knew that he was having this dinner with his friends from football and afterwards they were going to pull a heavy night, which means getting high/wasted and going clubbing. So I expected he’d answer when he’d wake up the next day, around 2pm or something. On Saturday as the hours passed, I checked every now and then if he was online on WhatsApp, bc he’s literally all the time on there but that day he was never online. 

So I started worrying?? Also bc, I knew that with him, things can get turn bad real quick. 

**** Sidestory: if I hadn’t painted an ugly enough picture of him, you should know that when he was younger he’d do this heavy night thing much more often, and he will tell you proudly that when he’s drunk he gets “evil” which often lead him to do crazy shit, get into fights and be thrown out of clubs. Like in one of these occasions years ago he ended up in the hospital with idk how much physical damage but he’s now half-deaf from one ear from a well-directed punch. 

Btw he’s not that big, so i’m pretty sure he was for the most part on the receiving end during these fights, and now if you look closely enough he still has a number of little scars on his face. Also, I know of a bunch of reasons why he was doing that - if you give him the chance he’ll vomit on you much of his troubled backstory - he has been through some shit (but then again, who hasn’t? I know!) but that’s definitely one of the things that made me care for him this deeply. **** 

At around 8pm I even checked the local news websites bc i was getting very worried??  there was this one article about a car crush around his area which left one guy dead and that title gave me minor heart attack, only to find out that the description didn’t match him, but i kinda died for a second there. 

He finally answered to my audio from Friday at about 11pm that Saturday saying that he was just recovering from the night before, that he had puked his soul, so it was all good. After a short while the conversation died and i stopped answering. 

Yep on Friday I left the city (I lived there for 2 years bc of uni and he’s born and raised there) and I moved home, about two hundred kilometers away. Which in itself is kinda sad, yay. I get what you’re saying about stop compromising, I *KNOW* it’s a very toxic relationship and I want SO bad to stop thinking about him and move on with my life, but it’s so damn hard? Also because, *new developments*..

My dear anon, thank you for your kind words, you’re so right. ;__; 

I’ve been looking for dan smiths in guys for as long as i’ve been interested in boys, but this has always left me feeling like no one was ever good enough to be worth a try. So i just lived without taking risks in this sense and idk, i feel like I’ve missed on so much. 

This I’ve realized in the past year or so, and I feel like i’ve come to terms with the fact that i’ve over idealized in my head what a guy should be like, and i guess i got tired of being the only one in my friend group that has never had relationshipy stuff, you know? I got disillusioned and realized that real life is much different from the real-life version of bastilledan I dreamt of for so long.

And all of this self-reflection came about at the same time as Fuckboi entered my life. He was the first guy irl in a LONG time that i crushed on, I was SO into him for like 3 months, but I was *certain* he could never be interested in me (and I’m right), simply bc he’s like this super good looking cool confident cocky dude (a Chuck Bass kinda guy, literally, including the family drama which lead him to act that way as a shield for his fragile inner self which he showed me only when we were alone) who’s into super hot girls (which im not, lol). And when he manifested that he could be interested in me and stuff started happening I was head over heels, despite how toxic the whole thing was.

Okay i’ll refrain from blabbering about the full story but thank you, anon, this message has made me smile :)  Like, all my friends have been telling me to just forget him, and I’ve tried to, I really did. Yet each time he texts me my heart skips a beat. Maybe now that we don’t live in the same city I’ll finally be able to leave him behind and leave room in my heart for a real life bastilledan..