jen's blog

neuroticmarshmallow:

I think the time is ripe to reblog this.

Happy Halloween!

I can’t believe they oblitered straight men like that

it has been like at least eight years and sometimes I still think to myself, when I am tired, “but I am le tired… well then take a nap! AND THEN FIRE ZE MISSILES” even though in retrospect that is like one of the most embarrassingly unfunny videos to ever come out of the internet 

tbh i still start sentences with “hokay, so” at least 3 times a day 

same, aggressively so. I also still use “wtf, mate.”

#i have no idea what this is referring to#but i’m relieved to know i’m not the only one out there randomly quoting old internet videos#some shit is always hilarious to me (x)

OH MAN

LET ME LEARN YOU A THING

who doesn’t think this is STILL AS HILARIOUS as it was when we all watched it over and over and over again 15 years ago?

I’ve reblogged this before and will doubtless reblog this again because MY ENTIRE GROUP OF FRIENDS WAS SO OBSESSED WITH THIS VIDEO IN 2002/2003 THAT WE COLLECTIVELY BANNED ANY MENTION OF IT EVER AGAIN 

AND YET

WE ARE NOW GROWN-ASS ADULTS IN OUR THIRTIES

AND IT STILL GETS QUOTED FROM TIME TO TIME

I HAVE THE WHOLE THING MEMORISED

TO THIS DAY, MY MOTHER REGULARLY SAYS “BUT I AM LE TIRED” BECAUSE OF A VIDEO I SHOWED HER IN FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL

THIS IS AN ICONIC PIECE OF INTERNET HISTORY AND I WILL FIGHT ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERS

my wife and I still regularly say “hokay so”, “but I am le tired” and “and some big meteor’s like ‘well fuck that’.” Fucking iconic.

I HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS BEFORE AND I’M SO GRATEFUL FOR THIS POST BECAUSE I’VE SEEN IT NOW AND I CAN’T STOP FUCKING LAUGHING

😂😂😂 ^^^ same

Watching my toddler figure out how to language is fascinating. Yesterday we were stumped when he kept insisting there was a “Lego winner” behind his bookshelf - it turned out to be a little Lego trophy cup. Not knowing the word for “trophy”, he’d extrapolated a word for “thing you can win”. And then, just now, he held up his empty milk container and said, “Mummy? It’s not rubbish. It’s allowed to be a bottle.” - meaning, effectively, “I want this. Don’t throw it away.” But to an adult ear, there’s something quite lovely about “it’s allowed to be a bottle,” as if we’re acknowledging that the object is entitled to keep its title even in the absence of the original function.

Another good post to read for those writing small human characters. 

My son was about three when he came to me in the middle of the day and said, “Mommy, there’s a knight behind the bush.” I thought he meant a toy knight or something. So I follow him outside and he goes, “Listen. Do you hear it? It’s night behind the bush.” It was a cricket. A cricket was standing in the little patch of shade under the bush, chirping. So, my son saw this dark area with accompanying nighttime sounds and decided, okay, well, that is a night right there. Their brains are incredible.

My little bean knows she’s two, constantly saying proudly ‘I’m two!’ And the other day she saw this very frail old lady who looked one foot in the grave, pulled a face and said ‘oh shiiiit. She’s three.’ I almost screamed.

I live in Korea and have a lot of international friends, and the same is true with language barriers in adults. 

*Looking at a bowl of pears* “Can you please pass me the… apple’s friend?” 

OH SHIT SHE’S THREE

I’m starting to convulse just reading this

for a minute, i panicked because i forgot how old i was

and when i remembered, i found that 17+1999=2016 :(

girl crush

best part is, in that scene she actually says ‘are there girls who don’t like [as in being attracted to] girls?’, which means she thought being a wlw was literally a universal experience for women. that kind of makes the scene cuter if you ask me. this is from ‘Doctors’ btw.

Up until like 7th grade I also thought that everyone was gay except for the people on TV and let me tell you, I was very upset and confused when I found out about heterosexuals.

I wrote a song about my college experience 🌶🌶🌶👌👌👌🔥🔥🔥

The realist thing to ever real.

Anemone, an enemy anemone, a stress filled bachelor degree

this is awesome

I wish ppl would react like this

that girl is me

i’m too lazy to shave

Story Time!

I wore a Captain America t-shirt the other day, a shirt I got at Gamestop on sale. It features a vintage cover of a Cap comic and it’s one of my favorite shirts. I wore it to work and then needed to go to Micro Center (local computer store) to buy a new video card for my PC. 

So I’m walking around Micro Center with my husband, who is infinitely smarter about computers than I am (considering I work in IT) and we’re trying to find a better, but cost effective video card and this guy, who looks like he walked out of King of the Hill and who, I kid you not, somehow smelled of pizza and Mountain Dew, glances over at me and with a stupid smirk on his face says, “Bet you can’t name one Golden Age Captain America title.” 

Now, don’t get me wrong. I know the rampant trends of shaming female comic book and video game fans are a real thing but I have been wearing DC and Marvel shirts for a very long time and never had someone actually call me on it, least of all in public. My first reaction was to roll my eyes and ignore him. My husband turned his head and said, “Excuse me?” in a rather loud voice, but I decided to embrace this “teaching moment” and turned to him. 

I smiled politely and nodded. “I’ll tell you what,” I told him. “I’ll name five Golden Age titles if you can tell me, in a clear and concise way, how to find a woman’s G-spot.”

The look on his face would have been enough to make me turn around, satisfied that I’d shut him up, but I wanted to drive my point home, because fuck that guy, right? 

So I stepped toward him and said, “Can you?”

By now, a store employee had stepped into the aisle to pull something from the shelves and overheard my licentious question. Mr. Mountain Dew gaped silently, like a fish out of water and I waited patiently, the same smile on my face. After a minute of silence, I said, “Nothing?”

Mountain Dew finally found his voice and said, “What the hell does that have to do with Captain America?” 

“We’ll get to that in a minute,” I said. “First, I want you to clarify something. Do you like women?”

Once again, he was speechless but eventually said, “Yes,” in a defiant, indignant tone. 

“Interesting,” I said. “Now correct me if I’m wrong, but your demand that I name a Captain America title was intended to prove that I was somehow impersonating a comic book fan by daring to wear this shirt in broad daylight, am I right?”

Silence. So I continued. 

“But if I apply the same logic to you, it could be said that you’re impersonating a heterosexual male, because after all, why should you be allowed to fuck women if you don’t know how to do it properly?”

I didn’t wait for him to answer. I grabbed my video card, paid, and left and now, I wear that Cap shirt with a sense of victory I didn’t have before. 

Moral of the story, kids: Don’t be a dick to people who wear their fandoms or interests on their clothes if you can’t handle the clapback. 

This woman is my new hero.

THIS VINE IS ICONIC

100% the most in-character Obi-Wan and Anakin bickering I have ever seen.

Crows are scary They

Guys I’m really scared of crows now. (q) 

Yeah but have you seen this 

A colleague of my dad’s lives next to a lake, and looked out the window one morning to see a duck trapped in the ice. A crow swooped down. “Oh hell,” she thought, expecting carnage, because crows are opportunists. But the crow chipped at the ice with its beak until the duck was free.

Idk of this counts but a few crows saved me from a magpie swooping attack once ,they’re bros who can tell when magpies are being unreasonable and need to chill

I love crows so damn much. When I was fifteen, I hit a pretty serious bout of depression, to the point I was in my room for months. Well, a family of crows made a nest in a tree outside my window. There were two parents and two chicks. One chick was healthy and strong. One was weak, and had a caw like something being strained. It sounded more like a rooster crowing and so my parents jokingly named him ‘Buck’.Well… months passed and Buck’s sibling was taught to fly. His parents focused on the sibling because the sibling was strong. The father stayed behind to try and teach Buck, but I saw him try to fly, fail, and crash to the floor. His father helped him back up into the tree.

Every day, I would watch Buck from my window until one day I opened it and started talking to him. He was small and gangly and he couldn’t caw right. His feathers were all over the place and I felt a kinship. So I made a deal with him. I told him that if he could do it, if he could fly, then I could find the strength to get up. Well… near the end of the season, after talking with him every day, I finally saw him get out of the nest. He went to the edge of his branch, braced himself, and jumped… and just before he hit the ground, he soared back up into the sky. I cheered harder than I ever had before.

That winter, Buck left the area. I was crestfallen. I felt like I’d lost a friend. But I was so damn proud of him. 

Cut to the next spring? I’m walking up the driveway one day when suddenly I hear a sound… a broken caw. I look up, and Buck is sitting in a tree above my head. He stared at me and puffed his feathers, then hopped down in front of me and cawed again. I was so damn thrilled, and I told him how proud I was of him. He ruffled his feathers and then soared off into his old tree. 

That summer? I heard two broken caws. One from Buck… and one from his chick.

Cut to ten years later? We have a family of crows who all have a very distinct caw and they come here and spend every spring, summer, and fall on our property. Buck still greets me every spring.

that last reply made me wanna cry. that’s so beautiful.

Don’t forget the Russian Crow SLEDDING DOWN A ROOF not once, but twice. 

this one morning i kept hearing really loud caws, i remember it was like 5am, LIKE REALLY LOUD AND ANNOYING AND AGGRESSIVE, so loud that i could hear it through a closed window, and i eventually went outside to check it out. there was a crow on my front lawn, it had an injury on its head and couldn’t fly and there were two other crows circling right above it, and they were cawing like mad. 

i tried to get close and take a better look and one of them dived super low and tried to attack me. so i went back in the house and chopped some sliced raw meat and tossed it at him from a distance.

a few more times later, very soon after, they could tell i was trying to help, and did not attack me. i was “allowed” to walk up close and pick him up, he couldn’t drink water properly so i had to dip my finger in a bowl and stick it in his mouth.

i did this few times a day and it went on for about a week before he disappeared, i thought he recovered and left, but he came back the next day and lands on me, and i see him around the block quite often, and he would come sit on my shoulder for a few minutes and then fly away again. i feel like i’ve adopted a son.

Best birbs !!

your son is Beautiful and Strong

If you can’t deal with my sarcasm. I can’t deal with being your friend. 

These pumps, crafted by Mexican designer Lucita Abarca, caused quite a stir at a recent Sixth Borough fashion show. These crystalline high-heels were grown by Wyrm’s Pass artisans, deep below the Rocky Mountains, using a mixture of firebird ash, waters from the springs at Paradiso, and a variety of secret ingredients, rumored to include Australian fire opals and powdered moonstone. The result of using the firebird ash become immediately recognizable when the heel of the shoe is dragged backward across any dry surface, as it creates an impressive streak of magical fire which can be accurately aimed with a little effot. Ms. Abarca said she wanted a shoe that made a statement, and that statement was “Any bastardo brujo catcalling me on La Plaza de Sangre better be ready to dose his huevos, you know?” 

that’s lit

but what happens when u accidentally set your dress on fire??