did my semi annual google to see if my dad has recently been arrested and unsurprisingly, he has. more surprisingly, he's still in jail because after all the arrests a felony assault charge was enough to land him with a $100k bond that he can't make. and a) it brings me no small comfort to know that he's incarcerated and incapable of getting anywhere near me, not that he would, but, and b) it's extremely weird thinking about this kid that's about to be born and eventually needing to explain that your grandma died a long time ago and your grandpa is, at this point, a perennially violent felon with swastika tattoos. somehow your own mom ended up bizarrely okay! but that's what's up with your grandparents.
similarly i've been thinking a lot about how strong a thread trauma is between me and my own mom, and really all of the few family members that i still talk to. and while i can't protect my kid from everything, i can be pretty assured that they won't go through anything remotely resembling my childhood. and it made me perversely sad for a moment, losing that connection of generational trauma, because it feels like a really profound thing that i share with my mom, who died twenty-two years ago. which is obviously kind of insane but so goes having feelings, i suppose.
and really, more than anything it's wild to think that it's this simple. my kid will have two parents who are kind to him and who love him, and that's the core of what it will take to make his childhood different from mine.