If you are lost, you can be found

Truthfully, Kiyotaka had never felt more lost yet enlightened at the same time. They couldn’t just go back to how they were before all of this and even now he knew he wanted to be with Mondo just as he had back then. The hot spray of the shower washed away any evidence that may have been left from the night before–except those bite marks–he would have to come clean. Maybe. He was such an awful liar, however the truth would ruin the both of them. Everything he’d worked for up until now, even Mondo’s future prospects. How selfish could he be? It seemed as though he were about to put the cherry on the metephorical cake. A quick wash was all he needed, something to clear his mind even the slightest bit. Clearly it did not work as he’d hoped, if anything Kiyotaka felt more confused than ever. The wrinkled suit as pulled back on his body, the sound of Mondo’s counting greeting him as he opened the door. A small frown formed on his face, the younger man moving to sit next to him as his hands fumbled with one another. His mouth opened, saying nothing whilst he tried desperately to find the correct words to say. Instead what managed to come out was a soft “You are angry with me.” Kiyotaka looked at Mondo’s irritated expression, nose wrinkling. “I know that you feel as though I am forcing you to make all of the decisions, Mondo-kun. We have known each other for quite some times and despite our initial split from one another I…I can still see what you are feeling.” Stop talking. “I am only asking such things because I am–I would like to be sure we are both seeing eye to eye! I will have to go home today, I will have to say something to her, I…will have to end it somehow; hopefully sooner rather than later.” Just tell him you love him, that you are willing to do this for him. “I do not want to make you unhappy, so that is why…” You’re going to lose him all over again acting that way.

He had the nerve to sit next to him as he knew his rage was roaring, the gall to tell him he was angry as if that wasn’t the most obvious thing in the world. His quick and irrational brain spurting out nonsense after nonsense-- word after word, his mouth moved but nothing really important came out of it and the more he talked the angrier Mondo became. His brain shut down, the counting wasn’t working and before he knew it he was above Kiyotaka; gripping him by the collard shirt he adorned. How he wanted to rip that dumb suit and tie off of him. For daring to wear such a thing-- even though it was the only thing he had-- it still bothered him. A sign that things were never going to change, that Kiyotaka would always be hiding underneath the safety of what makes him seem normal. In Highschool he was never one to take risks, Mondo always having to force him to do something more with his life but this time it seemed his words would fall on deaf ears.

The physical consequences of last night were beginning to catch up to him, Kiyotaka’s lower back ached with a kind of gentle throb, and his head was mirroring that sentiment much too well. Mondo’s groggy voice being the only thing that brought him out of his thoughts. He looked down, face becoming hot when he laid eyes on the other man all over again. There was no denying that he was handsome, every fiber of his being was telling him to just stay here; to never answer another call from his wife again and make it looks as though he’d completely disappeared. His hand reached out, brushing against Mondo’s fingers gently. “Not yet…I could not simply do such reckless things, then leave you to clean up after my own mess, Mondo-kun.” Kiyotaka smiled sadly, he wanted to cry all over again. “Whatever was said…whatever I did last night…” His lips twitched a bit, eyes closing as he felt himself speaking those fateful words. He should have told Mondo to forget it. “I meant all of it…” A heavy breath left his chest as the words rushed out. Not the truth was in the air, spoken by a man who was not being influenced by alcohol nor sex. Honestly, he shocked himself at how easily it came out of his mouth.

“I have many things to think about, clearly I will be–” Kiyotaka grimaced. “Unable to continue on with the farce that is my current relationship any longer.” It sounded so cold to his own ears, but it was the truth. Maybe it merely sounded so harsh because he’d been holding it in for years. His eyes stared into Mondo’s face red before he cleared his throat and moved to get up. “I will be using your bathroom to change if that is alright…I would appreciate it if you would consider your own feelings as well. I…would like to know if last night meant more to you as it did me–and if it did not, then…I would like to know now.” Kiyotaka gathered his clothes gently before making his way to the other room and closing the door behind him.

Mondo fixed himself in the bed and sat up on his elbows-- he almost wanted to laugh when he mentioned about not having to clean up after him. “Haha...well, fuck I mean it was my fault yer in this state so--!” He felt his cheeks flare up with red, turning and pouting at the next phrase coming out. “S’ only right I would take care of it and you...” Scratching the back of his neck Mondo was in a bit of a hard spot, he shouldn’t be acting like some girl who just got her cherry popped. He needed to stand up and be a man for Kiyotaka, tell him he will take care of him, that he wants to keep taking care of him and be with him but those faithful words were left dry, empty on his lips. The positive thing is; is that Kiyotaka said he meant it. And for a second he felt like things were going to be okay. Going home, telling his wife what he’d done, then running off with him. It almost sounded like the cheesiest movie he could think of.

He heard Mondo repeat that sentence with indignant shock, there was no denying their inherent sex, yet Kiyotaka still felt the fear of being unceremoniously disowned by the other man. It had been an accident, but it was too late; the confession was out there for his current lover’s consideration. Right now he was doing everything wrong, taking steps as well as admitting things he shouldn’t have at all. Yet Mondo still forgave him, his fingers wiped away the tears pooling in the corners of his eyes, much like he was trying to wipe his pain away. Lips followed suit, placing themselves there as his own confession was uttered to him. Like…it wasn’t love, but Kiyotaka would gladly accept that as a start. “Yes…in the morning, I promise.” If only the morning would refuse to come, if the world would remain in darkness for all time just so he may live in this selfish fantasy with the person he came to love. As much as he wanted to stay awake, sleep came all too easily. The alcohol as well as the actual physicality of what they had just done finally catching up with him. Anxiety was building in his chest while he slipped away, nonetheless it was the most wonderful sleep he had ever experienced. Whatever Kiyotaka dreamed of, he couldn’t say and as the light of the morning began to pour in weakly through the heavy curtains in Mondo’s apartment, he felt himself stirring. Kiyotaka rolled onto his back, eyes unwillingly opening to stare at a white ceiling. Now everything was beginning to catch up to him; everything. He should leave. Now. Stand up and put his suit back on, gather his things, make his way out of this place, yet he still could not bring himself to tear his body away from the man next to him. Kiyotaka Ishimaru had sex with Mondo Oowada, not only that, he had admit those deeper feelings he’d worked so hard to erase. A shaky breath tore himself from him: one of relief as well as apprehension. His marriage was over and as he sat up–running a hand through his hair while he processed the mere idea of such a thing–he felt a sense of freedom washing over him.

It wasn’t long after Mondo had suggested they go to bed that Kiyotaka would fall asleep pretty quickly. After all they had been through it was a long-- tiring night. There was this awkward sensation he felt in his chest when he closed his eyes and leaned against his lover for the nights chest. He was warm, nice and comforting right against his side and soon his own eyes started drooping and quickly with the prefect wrapped tightly around his arms he fell right to bed. Mondo wasn’t one of those people who liked getting up early, especially after some drinks and a good pleasure session but today was different. He woke up with the sun, trying to peek its way through his blackout curtains-- he wasn’t sure how they got moved but he wasn’t very happy about it. Moving his arm over his chest his eyes darted sideways just in time to see Kiyotaka getting up. Something inside triggered a warning that he might leave and his brain caught up with his body.

How he wished to remain this way forever, tangled in sheets–and each other–he would not be returning home this night, instead he would bask in the afterglow of what true happiness could bring him. Tomorrow reality would set in, there would be choices to make, along with the possibility of the end of his marriage. The thought brought the tightness of anxiety to his chest, however it also brought a strange relief as well. Mondo knew what he was and he couldn’t care less, here he was still sharing soft kisses with him, confessing his own feelings as well. Maybe this was something that had been in the back of both of their minds for longer than they would have liked to admit. Mondo’s hands ran down his body. over heated and sweaty skin, then to where the evidence lay between his legs. Normally after intercourse, Kiyotaka felt the strong urge to jump up and shower himself off. He wanted to erase the evidence of what had just occurred, but now he was content to just lay with the man next to him. His lips twisted into a smile, turning into a deep baritone laugh when Mondo had a near panic attack coming into contact with the aftermath of their deeds. He rolled over, allowing the other man to do as he pleased while he wiped him down so carefully. “Please do not worry, Mondo-kun! It is only natural that this would have happened considering our–well–previous engagement with one another!” Kiyotaka was smiling, feeling just like his old self again as he was gently taken care of by a man who was not so long ago doing unspeakable things to his body. His nose wrinkled in glee, brushing the back of his knuckles against a rough, stubbled chin. Everything was building up again, just seeing his face in this moment was almost too much. Kiyotaka was in love; he had been for such a long time now, yet had buried it so deep within him that he’d forgotten what it felt like until tonight. A soft sigh escaped, tears gently rolling down his cheeks as he unconsciously said those words he wanted to say during their lovemaking. “I…I think I am in love with you…”

Mondo scrubbed furiously at the spot that was covered in a mess, he felt awkward just leaving it there so even when Kiyotaka said there was no worry to it he still felt obligated. “I know I know but shit, I jus’ can’t go n’ leave ya like this!” Funny, it was almost like he half expected Kiyotaka to yell at him for doing something so dirty-- using a shirt to clean up a mess. A smirk etched itself on his face as he felt his hand come to a halt as he finally cleared up most of the accident. Or, he supposes it wasn’t much of that anymore, now that both were thinking a little more carefully; more cautiously they both still seeming to tread on a fine line of words. A knuckled grazed gently against his chin, Kiyotaka staring at him with the same look he had always given him. Even in school, these looks were almost a near constant but then, it came out unlike any of those other times.

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His hands moved, travelling from the shirt to cup Mondo’s face instead. There were too many surprises happening tonight, the one who should have had his wits about him letting him in so willingly instead of pushing him away. Kiyotaka gasped against those rough lips, the hands gripping him bruisingly could have never felt so good if they weren’t in this very moment. He wanted him, now more than ever, he was still so…disgustingly, hopelessly in love with him. There must have been something in his brain, a screw loose, or a wire frayed–there had to be an explanation for everything he was doing right now. Pulling away, his eyes were already hazed, breath coming out laborious. “I would say I did not mean to do something so reckless, but…I cannot bring myself to lie any more than I already have tonight…” Finally the truth was coming out as he stroked that face, the strong jaw almost trembling beneath the pads of his fingers. “You do not have to say yes, you may turn me away if you wish.” The words were soft, matter of fact before Kiyotaka brought him down for another kiss. This one was more gentle than the rush from before, his teeth tugging softly on a chapped bottom lip. “Please, Mondo-kun…I cannot continue to live this lie any longer…” It was a plea, a cry to salvage him from the bed he had made for himself. For as authoritative as Kiyotaka could be, he could also be much too passive to the prying eyes of society. A society which for now could not accept him for who he was. Perhaps some day he would be lucky enough to hold the hand of whomever his partner would be in the future, he not-so-secretly hoped it would be Mondo. There would be consequences after what he was planning to do, should the former delinquent choose to accept his proposal. His wife would find out somehow, there would be a second scandal involving the Ishimaru name, just the thought of it made him sick. And again…that was a problem to be dealt with when he was more rational in the head. “Nnh…” The sound came unwillingly, him moving to fall back on Mondo’s bed. It was an open invitation, to do as he pleased, but not without first acknowledging who and what he would be doing this with. Kiyotaka began to loosen his tie, watching, waiting.

There was just something about Kiyotaka, that Mondo could never deny. No matter what the request, somehow the older always followed as he wished. Like a dog, waiting for his masters command he would bend to his knees if that was what he so asked. Lips quivered when the prefect pulled away, just for a moment to reveal his hidden desire. A long awaited confession of love, how could he have not seen this before? In school he had questioned it, but never more than that. Hands soft to the touch, but rough at the tips grabbed his face and traced the outlines of his jaw as if to remember everything about this moment. Breathing deeply into scolding skin Mondo had to shut his eyes, his brain couldn’t keep up with his body. The room was spinning, desire and anguished plagued both men as Kiyotaka cried for him. Telling him he can turn away while he did nothing but kiss him, press his body against his in a way to actually say ‘please don’t let me go’

Warmth covered his own hand, holding it tightly, and for once Kiyotaka felt so right. He closed his eyes, burning from the constant barrage of tears which flowed freely from their corners. Mondo was too good, so kind to him in his desperation. He had always been that way, even opening his home to him so graciously after all this time. The problems in the back of his mind were for his future self to deal with, for now he was ignoring them, resulting to cowardice yet again. His only salvation was the suggestion that they should leave, it was much later than when they’d arrived, and the trains would surely be stopping their rounds within the next hour. “Yes, please!” A shout that was much louder than he’d meant for it to be voiced his agreement, and with shaky legs Kiyotaka managed to stand. His body may have been impaired, yet his mind was racing much too fast. Those fingers which continued to twitch through the first uncomfortable minutes of their meeting now clung to a jacket so despairingly as he was led through the subway once more. Except this time he would be exiting the train much earlier, he would stumble up to Mondo’s apartment without a second thought, and he would find himself standing in the middle of a cluttered one room affair.  It was fairly roomy for a Tokyo apartment: a decent entryway with a small kitchen area, and room enough for both a bed and couch. Truth be told, Kiyotaka was expecting much worse. The younger man spun around as the door was shut behind them, the air becoming heavy. They were alone now, that fact alone seemed to set the stage for every buried emotion to come flooding forward within him. He was here with Mondo Oowada; the man he’d given up on long ago, the man who had unknowingly forced him to come to terms with his sexuality–but only slightly enough so he may repress them once again. “Mondo-kun…” The words came out in a rush, body pushing forward like it had forced him to at the platform. Kiyotaka couldn’t think, there was no time for that, and thinking would just ruin this moment. He would come to his senses eventually–maybe–after his hands twisted in the tight black t-shirt, using the strength they both knew he had hidden inside of him to push his partner up against the door. After…his lips came crashing into the ones they had longed for ever since high school.

Once the tab was paid, and their meeting agreed to continue at Mondo’s apartment they set off on what was seemingly supposed to be a easy night. His arm wrapped tightly around the suited man, funny he always imagined Kiyotaka wearing one of these stuffy business shirts but never thought he could pull it off as well as he does. Getting to the station was a bit of a hassle, more than Mondo liked but at least they made it for the last rounds before it closed. Sighing, the biker gazed downwards as Kiyotaka clung onto his shirt as if he might drop him. His eyes lifted upwards and stared out into the dark night-- the lights going by in a blur all muddle and mashed. Just how it was when he rode his motorcycle. Closing his eyes, just for a moment he thought how nice this was. It brought back so many good memories, so many good feelings, he could have fallen asleep right there if he didn’t have another body to attend too.