doctor: you’re also fresh out of potassium me: 0K

doctor: wanna guess your salt level?

me: Na

Stop telling people in twitter that things already happened in tumblr!!! I wanna see them organize their own dashcon, dont discourage them!!!

i wanna make food for somebody 🥺😭

i wanna throw a hand grenade in my toilet

with somebody who loves me

I CAN’T THIS IS SO GOOD

you've heard of surprised pikachu, now get ready for distressed raichu

The world isn’t ready for distressed Raichu but here it is anyway

obsessed with this actually

RIDE 'EM CRAWBOY

I really enjoy just existing in hotels. The long identical hallways. The soulless abstract art. The weird noises the air-conditioner makes. Strange city lights in the window. Six stories off the ground. Strangers chatting in the hall. Nothing in the dresser. No past, but an infinite present. 

I know this place in California that I really think you’d like

...what

This is already going wild places Im-

TO SOMEONE ON CHEMO TH0UGH??

What must their home life be like. Like if these are their power games. What goes on behind closed doors. What the fuck.

Naruto running my way out of here is my new catchphrase

it was this comment by OP that really took me out

phineas and ferb quarantine episode where candace is convinced that this time her mom will see what the boys are doing because nobody can even leave the house but somehow linda is always in the wrong room

AAH, PERRY the PLATYPUS! I suppose you’re wondering about my evil plan. Well, you see, when I was a child in Gimulshtump, I was quarantined for several months, 

phineas: we turned ourselves into holograms so that we can still hang out with our friends while social distancing. later candace! *he and ferb fade out of view* 

candace: mOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoM!!!!!!!!! 

Okay, but the thing with Perry and Doof becomes a lot funnier when you remember that Perry, being a platypus, is immune to the virus.

So imagine Doof monologuing over Zoom, secure in the knowledge that Perry the Platypus can’t possibly thwart him over a video call, when Perry disappears from the frame. As he ponders where his nemesis could have gone, Perry plummets onto Doof’s balcony and socks him one in the jaw.

Doof: What?! Perry the Platypus?! What are you doing? You shouldn’t be out here! There’s a quarantine going on, in case you haven’t noticed!

Perry: *platypus noise*

Doof: Oh, right, you’re a platypus, and this is a human virus, so… You know, I don’t really know how I forgot that.

Perry makes sure to do a full decontamination on his way home, to make sure Phineas and Ferb don’t get any potential virus particles on them after petting him and picking him up.

at one point while doof and perry are fighting doof goes “wait! i forget to put on my mask” and perry stops punching him to let him put on his mask then they just go back to fightung

The spirit of the show really does live on

biting is a love language. no i will not elaborate.

my sense of humor: getting birthday cards with the wildly incorrect age on it for people

I see this and raise you: getting cards for a wildly different occasion and customizing them to fit the holiday you need

throwback to the time my partner put in his 2 week notice with a birthday card for a 2 year old

King

It really is worth every second 

(Source)

Dirty talk but you both use your customer service voice

Thanks I hate it

partner: *cums*

me: great! will you be needing anything else today?

Customer service but you use your dirty talk voice

You’re a nasty little bitch aren’t you? Trying to return these shoes after 30 days.

You guys just have to trust me on this one and click here okay?

britain gay as fuck for naming a town “man chest”

Can not BELIEVE you would leave this in the tags