An Open Letter to an Abuser (TW)
This is a letter I will be sending my mother in a few days. I feel this is important to post this both to empower other survivors of abuse and to empower myself in terms of creating boundaries and self advocacy. Without further adieu, an open letter to one of the two major abusers in my life:
I am writing to explain some very personal things to you because you refuse to listen and we only end up in shouting matches as a result.
My name is Evynn (pronounced Evan) Nichole. I am genderqueer. This means I don't identify with either culturally accepted gender binary. My pronouns are gender neutral, as in "they, them, and their", instead of fem designated like "she, her, etc.". This is a proper usage of the terms as defined by the Oxford Dictionary. I am homo-flexible at this stage in my life, and yes, sexuality and gender identity can fluctuate with time and information, but it *does not* make someone's personal identity invalid. I would still identify as pansexual, but I have a *very* strong distaste for cisgender men. Cisgender (pronounced sis-gender) simply mean that you identify with the gender you were assigned at birth. I am polyamorous, meaning I am capable of, and prefer being in more than one loving and complete relationship at one time. Trysta, Austin, and I are a poly family. I find monogamy depressing, stifling, and completely unhealthy, being based more on the ownership of an individual rather than on mutual respect and love. I am autistic. Autism is *not* "retardation", it's not a disease, and it's not a mental illness. Autistic people make up about 1/3 of the Earth's population, which is around 2.33 *billion* people. That's not a small number in the least. Autism is a neurodivergence; a developmental difference. Plus we have extra neurons. Don't ask me why, I figure nature threw them in for fun. In fact, the terms "retarded", "high functioning" and "low functioning", and the Aspergers diagnosis have been stricken from the DSM (big book of psychology for the professionals) because they are entirely inaccurate descriptors. Now, one is just considered "on the autistic spectrum". Non autistic folks are referred to as "Allistic". The term was coined by the autistic community because allistic people refused to come up with a term for themselves and just kept referring to themselves as "normal". There is no normal, btw, normal is a setting on your washing machine. There is only common and less common, ordinary or out of the ordinary, and usual or unusual. None of which, btw, should ever really be used with any negative connotation behind them. The thing about 2.33 billion autistic people is that it*hardly* makes us "unusual". Avoid the *hell* out of Autism Speaks, they don't have a single autistic person on their staff *at all*, and they're running a fear campaign against us. x_x If you want really good info, check out the ASAN, or "Autistic Self Advocacy Network".
Now, why am I explaining all of this to you? Because this is *who I am*. This is me being true to myself and letting you know where my boundaries lie. There was one time when I was still living there, you said to me, "God forbid you ever find out just how badly I've treated you. You'd hate me for life.". I found out. I like who I am and I am *proud* of who I am becoming and the path that I am on. I'm a survivor of over 27 years of abuse, first at your hands, then at my ex's hands, and even *then* I had abusive roomies, and you still abusing me to this very day. When do I get to say "no more"? When do I get to *stop being abused*? I will not allow anyone to ever abuse and/or disrespect me ever again. Before you even *think* to yourself that I was harsh and abusive to you, 1. the abused cannot abuse the abuser. All they can do is respond with survival tactics to try and get through the situation with some semblance of their self identity in tact. You made me the way I was then through your own actions. Never blame me for your abuse ever again. That is victim blaming and it is also abusive, not to mention morally and ethically wrong.
Let's get down to brass facts; you belittle me, try to "debunk" who I am, and in doing so, you tear down my self esteem by trying to invalidate who I am on a *very* deeply personal level. You berate me, victim blame me for both your abuse *and* my ex husband's abuse, you ride me for things that are none of your fucking business, and you seek to make me feel as small, guilty, and ashamed as possible for damn near every aspect of my life. What part of that should I keep in my life? What, I should just tolerate it because we're family? No. Toxic people have no place in my life.
The mental illnesses I do have that are comorbid with my autism are Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder. I am about 1 major trauma away from having Disassociative Personality Disorder (what multiple personality disorder is called now because the name was inaccurate.). Yes, this is your fault and my ex's fault. I had such a bad breakdown in therapy recently that they suggested putting me on suicide watch. I went home and slept for about 20 hours. I was utterly exhausted. I cannot even listen to your voice on the phone without being triggered into a full meltdown. Also, stop trying to communicate with me through Dad, it's manipulative.
You tell me you love me, but what fucking part of who I really am do you love? I am antithetical to all of your adopted allistic "morals" and your nonsensical, abusive rhetoric. Who exactly are you trying to convince when you throw fifty "I love yous" at me before even getting my consent for such an emotionally overloading event? This is usually followed by you dumping an overloading amount of your own personal guilt my direction. Yes, you should feel guilty, but first you have to know what you should even be feeling guilty about. You apologize for a million different things, and *none* of it is what you damn well *should* be apologizing for. I am not your therapist and a child, no matter what age, should not have to take on that role with their parent.
This letter, however, is only partially about my abuse growing up, and much *much* more about the abuse you continue to shill at me to this very day. Dad says he lets it roll off of him like water off a duck's back, but he doesn't. That's not how human psychology works. He has all the symptoms of a battered spouse, and believe me, I recognize those symptoms in a New York minute! It disgusts me utterly that you blame other people for you abusing them. It's revolting that you can't take the *inch* of responsibility it takes to own up to your shit and get yourself into proper therapy and on some effective medication, and put in the goddamned effort to *stop* being an abusive shit-fuck-stack. The refusal to get better and your continued abuse makes you a bad person, just so you are aware.
Am I pissed? You're damn right I'm pissed! You and my ex utterly *ruined* my life! That's not even moderately close to an exaggeration. In fact, if anything, I am going rather easy on you here. It's not possible for me to list everything you did that constitutes as traumatic abuse. It's literally almost *everything* you've ever done in my life since *at least* the age of four. I have no basis for comparison for how to behave properly. A child can only become what their environment and upbringing allows. This is it! I am completely disabled at this point. I will most likely never work a "regular" job and it's because I have mental breakdowns and feel suicidal just trying to do any of those jobs.
I have no love for you at this current time. That's not to say that couldn't change, I never rule anything out, it's bad practice. Before I speak to you again and place myself in that kind of vulnerability with you again, you have to be at *least* six months into both therapy and effective medication. These are my terms. If you're really that bent on not getting psychiatric treatment, don't. This isn't an ultimatum, I'd have to have some vested interest in talking with you again for it to be an ultimatum. I honestly don't care what you do. I gave up on having a relationship with you long time ago. I am simply letting you know where my boundaries lie and what the criteria is for talking with me again.
Here's a brief list of abuses I will not tolerate. These include but are *not* limited to:
1. Misgendering me/disrespecting my gender identity and pronouns. Misgendering/disrespecting the gender identities and pronouns of my partners and friends. When you misgender someone based on traits, you misgender *everyone* with those same traits because you would do the same to them. You are not entitled to gender other people. The only person you are allowed to gender is yourself.
2. Fat phobia/fat shaming. I'm big, get over it. There' nothing wrong with being big, and there's no scientific basis that fat is related to illness. Studies have shown that thin/fit people are equally as likely to develop the exact same illnesses that are currently blamed on fat, including heart problems. Weight can exacerbate other issues, such as having a really sore back, bad knees, stress fractures in the feet, and a good number of other things that come from a body carrying extra weight around. Never ever bring up my weight or diet again. Don't make "jokes" about it. Don't even think it.
3. Mean humor. Speaking of non-jokes where the punchline is making fun of people...I don't tolerate bullies. You don't make fun of people, period! I don't give a shit if you disapprove, or are made uncomfortable by someone else. You are *not* entitled to make fun of them in any way. It's their life, not yours. You *are* entitled to not be around the person if you don't want to be, but that's where your entitlement *ends*.
4.Prejudices and bigotry against people of any kind. No sexism, no racism, no trans phobia or transmisogyny, no shoving monogamy or your weird brand of Christianity down my throat, no ageism, nothing. None of it. You can totally show this letter to Dad too so he can get the hang of this stuff as well. If you don't know what these words mean, it's not because I "made them up" or that I don't know what I am talking about, little Suzy. Look them up, there is Google, the internet does exist. It's a mind bending well spring of information.
I am a New Wave Feminist and that means I believe in equality for all minorities and marginalized individuals. I advocate as best I can for *all* oppressed groups of people.
5. Ableism. Using words like "retarded", "crazy", "lazy", "stupid", "idiot", and any other term that refers to someone's mental state as a cause for unfavorable behavior. Making fun of people with mental illness and disabilities is grossly prejudice.
6. Ageism: I don't care how many years a person has been on this earth, I treat *all* of them with the same kind of respect. Treating "adults" like they are *any* better than "children" is ageist. Treating elderly like "dottering old fools" is ageist.
Basically, any time you are looking down on someone for a trait, behavior, clothing item, or choice you don't like, you're being prejudice. Their life and what they are doing is none of your business. You are not entitled to judge other people on their personal lives. It doesn't matter whether it's something you perceive they can help or not, you're not living their life so you have nothing of value to add.
Now, if I don't care, why am I bothering to write all of this? Because this is an important part of my therapy. I am not an object or a possession, and you have zero right to tell *me* who you think I am just because you made a baby. Any animal with a working reproductive system can make babies. You don't get cookies, kudos, or brownie points for that. Maybe a gold star that says "I tried".
I am writing to self advocate. To be assertive about who I am and how much *I* mean to myself! To let you know you are *never* allowed to quash my self esteem or make me feel bad ever EVER again! I am letting you know so I can heal the part of me that pretended to be someone else for *years* trying to gain your approval. My entire self esteem and self identity was shattered before the age of 7. Now I am here to tell you, I don't need your filthy approval! *I* approve of me, and I will NO LONGER tolerate your thoughtless disregard for me as a human being.
Now, repeat this out loud to yourself, "My child's (not daughter) name is Evynn. They (not she) are a 36 year old person (not girl/woman/anything fem) who is autistic. (not "who has autism", it's not an illness, it's simply a state of being.) They are very lovely and sweet. Evynn is also working towards great self esteem and being able to meaningfully contribute to the people in their life. They help educate people on how to be more empathic and sensitive to one another, and they are very supportive of their friends' hobbies and special interests. Evynn is incredibly creative and enjoys a wide variety of art forms and creative outlets."
If you "love" me so goddamned much, how about you start by knowing, accepting, being proud of, and loving the person I really am, ya feel me?
Parting ways,
Evynn Nichole
