I Don’t Smoke When I Don’t Eat, Either.

via weheartit

apparently my boss who is a professor at my school doesn’t have a cell phone and his coworkers were upset by this so they bought him a childs toy phone and labeled it “David’s jitterbug” (for those of you that don’t know jitterbugs are phones made for old people that have like massive buttons and shit) so the other day I walked into his office to ask him a question and he pressed a button on it which made it start loudly playing the ABCs and he said “excuse me I have to take this” and then started singing along to the ABCs while shooing me out of his office

this is the phone. he apparently was in the middle of a meeting with the department the other day and got annoyed so he pressed a button, said “I have to take this” and left

British food look like this

Excuse me.

Okay.. alright..

British food does not look like that.

That is British food:

This is British food:

Sunday dinner looks amazing right?

This is also British food:

So what cheek do you have at commenting that British food is basically shit. And yes I’m British and we don’t all drink tea and speak posh oh no. That’s due to the area you live in.

Oxfordshire=posh

London= cockney

Midlands= northern

Welsh= north

And Scotland northern

And the food depends on what area you get your food from different areas have different ideas on food such as Scotland haggis and deep fried Mars bars.

So just don’t Diss British food, you’ve probably never tried it.

*goes to a restaurant in Liverpool*

me: Yes ma'am I’d like to order the Jellied Ox Taint

waitress: Oi cummin roight op govna

what ice-t could have meant by “TV is make believe” when told he ate a bagel on law & order:

-a stunt double of some kind ate the bagel

-the bagel wasn’t actually a bagel; was perhaps a donut

-the bagel was cgi

-he ate the bagel but considers it his character eating the bagel and not him

Meryl Streep in Mamma Mia really was living the best life- owned a hotel on a beautiful Greek island, singing sweet ABBA bops, had a history of dicking down so many hot dudes she wasn’t sure which handsome, tone-deaf, middle-aged man was her kid’s dad. 

what a life. 

cast noah centineo as ash ketchum you cowards

Ash is literally 10 years old and fucking Japanese. He should be played by Scarlett Johansson and nobody else

The Original Meeting for The Prince and Snow White, from the original 1937 Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs comic strip, released weekly, beginning December 14, a week before the film’s premiere.

Look, everyone! He has a name.

Well it about time that we know what his fucking name was.

you: prince charming

me, an intellectual: PRINCE BUCKET HEAD

this is somehow cuter

This is a lot cuter what the fuck

Emilia reminding us why we love her so much! 🤣 11/04/18

same

me trying to comprehend anything anyone says to me

a society that allows people to starve when there is food has failed. like. that’s it.

People arguing with this saying, “why do people deserve food for free???” is honestly just further proof of the failure. 

this was 20 years ago and nothing’s changed

Unfortunately

If i had a quarter for everytime someone said i waste my vote voting 3rd party id be a millionaire

If I had a vote for every time somebody said I waste my vote voting 3rd party we would have a 3rd party president right now.

If you would report an undocumented immigrant to ICE you would have reported me to the Nazis and I don’t fucking trust you

A note:

I live in a state where you “have to” report anyone you suspect of being undocumented (that wonderful hellhole of Arizona). Now in practice this law has fallen far short, thank goodness. But if you live in such a place and they start enforcing it, here is how you get around it:

Assume everyone who doesn’t speak English is visiting.

Never ask about their job, because if they tell you they work here then you know they’re not visiting. You see them a lot for several weeks or months? Hm. Someone in the family must be ill. That’s terribly tough. They always dress in old, ratty laborers’ clothes? I feel you, my dude, I can’t afford new clothes either, and my dad has the fashion sense of an aardvark, so sometimes it’s not even about “affording” them. They say they’ve been here for years? You must have misunderstood. Spanish isn’t your first language, after all. First and last name? It never came up, or you don’t recall–you meet a lot of people.

And then, if you’re asked: no, you haven’t seen anyone residing illegally in the United States. Just people visiting.

Very good very important addition

Essentially, this is the civil society version of a work-to-rule strike.

Don’t do more than is expressly asked of you, and do what you are asked with such an intense attention to protocol that not asking you at all becomes more effective than even bothering.

In this case:

“Have you seen an illegal immigrant?”

“Could you describe an illegal immigrant, officer?”

*officer describes a person who is in the country without appropriate paperwork, or who has crossed the border illegally*

“No, sir, I haven’t seen any illegal immigrant.”

And this is correct. You have NOT seen an illegal immigrant, because you have no way of knowing if Jose Fulano is here legally or not. And since you can’t see his paperwork (or lack thereof), and did not personally see him cross the border illegally, you are only answering precisely the question asked.

I’m not American, and I have like, three followers, but this is important.

tearing bread apart and handing it to someone else is so… spiritual and intimate

lets give this bread

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