from Zen Shin Talks (via purplebuddhaproject)

i literally just realized that Warren Peace from Sky High had a villain and a super hero for parents so his name is a play on War and Peace

My soul has seen everything beautiful this earth has to offer. It has seen the first moments a sailor falls in love with the sea, new born babies swaddled in warmth and comfort, forests full of wise, old trees reaching for the sun.

My soul was there when Martin Luther King Jr. changed millions of lives for the better, when the first stroke of the paint brush that painted the Mona Lisa hit canvas, when the Constitution was first unrolled as a blank piece of history.

My soul has witnessed the first animations of Classic Disney movies, countless elderly couples still overwhelmed with love for each other, the breathtaking way each sunrise is different from the next.

My soul has seen silent snow falling for the first time each winter, miles of empty roads waiting to be travelled on, the first stitches of cozy sweaters.

My soul was there when the coffee bean was first discovered, when Disney World opened it’s gates many years ago, when people first started thinking about life outside of this earth.

My soul has witnessed the first falling leaves of the autumn season, people reading old journals they forgot they had written years before, billions of puzzles patiently waiting for their last piece to be put into place.

My soul has seen rope swings that hang over lazy rivers, the sketches, blue prints, construction, and completion of the Eiffel Tower, the soft and eerie glow of the Northern Lights above the snow, more shooting stars than you will ever witness with your own two eyes.

My soul has seen the magic this earth has to offer. If you ever feel lonely, remember that all of these moments are within you.

imagine cuddling up in your warm, comforting bed and drifting off into a world only known by your subconscious

imagine waking up in a never-ending field of the softest grass you have ever felt and swaying back and forth with the light, warming breeze

imagine watching the pastel clouds pass slowly overhead, while ladybugs and fireflies hug your broken pieces and sing soft rhythms into your ears

imagine daisies and magnolias growing beside you and resting their petals on all of your scars and all your wounds, healing them

imagine swift gusts of wind lifting you upward toward lush tree tops where pink monkeys play and yellow birds hum your favorite tunes from when you were a child

imagine the trees growing taller with each breath you take and your heart growing kinder with each moment that passes

imagine warm raindrops falling on your smooth skin and sinking into your bloodstream, cleansing your body of negativity and pain and everything you have ever worried about

imagine rolling over and gently falling off of the tree tops with a lush, padded field of fresh grass waiting for you

imagine landing on a blanket of clovers and dandelions, swaddling you in happiness and playing with your long hair

imagine the stars slowly popping up in the navy blue sky above, waving hello and sending rays of magnificent light into your curious eyes

imagine the cosmos singing you a charming lullaby as you feel yourself drifting into a sleep that is more soothing than you could ever believe.

my battle with Anxiety

I’ve decided to share my experience with anxiety, so I wrote a short story on my last 6 years. I didn’t just want to write normally, so I put a twist on it and named my anxiety “Ann” and am telling the story as if “Ann” was my classmate. If you’d like to read, please feel free, as I did try my best to capture the maliciousness that is anxiety. ENJOY.

Ann

  This is the story of my old friend Ann. Ann and I had a weird relationship for the most part. Sometimes we were friends and sometimes we were enemies, but overall we stuck together for a very long time. We actually still keep in touch, but it’s been a while since I’ve seen her face to face. Honestly, I’m happy she’s gone; and here’s why.

  I feel like I’ve known Ann my entire life. It’s as if she’s been with me in the background of my life since I was a kid. Up until freshman year of high school I hadn’t seen her before, but when I first caught a glimpse of her face I felt an array of feelings as though I really had seen her many times before. She had the most peculiar look to her; like she could bake me beautiful cupcakes and then smash them into my face a minute later. I remember when I woke up on my first day of high school. Oh God I was so scared. I felt as if my eight years of school had done nothing to prepare me for this chapter of my life. The morning was so bleak and I felt like I was moving in slow motion. I felt so overwhelmed with emotions and fear that I was sick to my stomach. Regardless, I walked myself out the front door and into my best friend’s mom’s car. She had agreed to carpull us all to school every morning. Being with my friends helped me calm down a little bit, but I still felt uneasy. When we finally turned onto the street my school was on, I started seeing students walking along the sidewalk with their backpacks and books. There was one group of girls in particular who caught my eyes. They looked young, probably freshman, and there were a few of them all laughing and excited for what was to come. Trailing slightly behind them was this girl who seemed out of the loop. She was pretty, with long, blonde hair and a fantastic outfit. She looked completely ordinary, except for the look on her face. It’s almost like she wasn’t even awake; like she was the walking dead but with her eyes wide open. She didn’t skip a beat while walking, and every time her friends would mess around close to her, she wouldn’t even flinch or acknowledge it. I decided to give it no mind and just focus on getting through this day, so I turned away and started talking to my friends. That was the first time I had ever seen Ann, but certainly not the last.

  When I walked through the front doors, I noticed the huge sign hung up next to who I assumed to be the principals. “Welcome to Mainland Regional High School!” More like, “welcome to the most difficult four years of your young life!”. I pulled my schedule out of my purse and headed toward my locker. In junior high, we had lockers, but the combination locks were different, meaning I had no idea how to open my locker when I finally found it. I struggled a little, then decided that I really didn’t need to get in there yet, as I had no books. I checked my schedule to see where I had to go first and as I turned around, she bumped into me.  

  “I am so sorry, I happened to notice you were fumbling with your locker, do you need help?” It was the girl I had seen outside. “Here, let me do it for you, what’s your combination? My name’s Ann by the way.” I was instantly overcome by the feelings of calmness and assurance that today wouldn’t be so bad. There was also a feeling in the pit of my stomach that told me I shouldn’t hang around with this girl. She was so helpful, and got my locker open, how could she be bad? Ann walked me to my class, and then left for her own. She had an essence about her that drew me to her, in a way. I didn’t think much about it once the teacher entered the room and started going over our syllabus.

  My first day went very well. My teachers all seemed nice and helpful and even funny. To my surprise, Ann ended up being in a lot of my classes. She was in my algrebra, english, earth science, history, and even lunch period. She kept telling me we could work together on the hard stuff, and together we could pass the classes. It’s almost kinda freaky, actually. Ann is only in my tough classes. She isn’t in my art, architecture, or gym class. I guess she didn’t take art of architecture this semester, since they’re not mandatory, they’re only electives. Regardless, I knew I’d be seeing lots of Ann this year, and I was so excited to have a new friend.

  Let’s skip forward a few weeks, so I can start getting to the rough patches in our friendship. Ann stuck to her word, and we helped each other through the bumpy start of classes. The one thing I didn’t quite like was whenever the teacher called on me, or I would get up to leave the room or hand something in, Ann would stare at me. I didn’t notice at first, but you eventually catch on to the creepy things that happen to you. Her eyes are what made me feel weird. She always sat across the room from me, yet somehow I always knew when she was looking at me. After some time I finally realized that she only stared at me when I was the center of attention in the classroom. It made me kind of uneasy, and I kept meaning to ask her why she did it, but I guess the topic never came up. I remember the first time Ann made me angry with her. I was sitting with all my friends during lunch, and one of my friends wanted to take a picture with me. Happily I agreed, and we took a nice picture together. I always knew I wasn’t the prettiest girl in school, not even really close, but I wasn’t upset about it. I had good friends, and my teachers liked me, and I was confident enough to live life happily. I never compared myself to my friends in pictures, because it wasn’t important to me before. Today was the day that changed.   “I think you should try wearing makeup.” I jumped; I didn’t even know Ann had sat down with us. Actually, I didn’t even invite her to sit with us. She’d been sitting down the hall with her group of friends, and me with mine. I hadn’t introduced her to my friends, but they didn’t even seem to mind that she had joined us.

  “What do you mean? I think I look okay,” I answered.

  “Yeah, I guess you look alright, but seriously, makeup will make you look so good. Maybe you could start doing your hair too, just a thought.” Ann looked me up and down. “Do you want to go shopping? Your clothes are kind of childish too.”   What was she talking about? Where did this negativity come from? I thought Ann and I were on the same page with everything. She had never mentioned this to me before, so why now? Needless to say, I agreed to try out her ideas. The next day, I wore light makeup, wore my hair down, and wore a couple new articles of clothing. Ann was right, I did feel better about my image. I felt more my age, and less like I was still in junior high. Ann told me I needed some serious help if I was going to survive this jungle, so she had her locker reassigned to be a few down from mine. I guess that was nice, but also a little bit weird. I noticed she seemed to cling to me more. Almost as if every time I turned around, she was there.

  Let’s skip now to the end of my freshman year. Ann and I grew pretty close. She stuck to her word, and really helped me succeed throughout the year. She still stared at me whenever I brought attention to myself, though. It started to freak me out, so I did finally confront her about it. All she said was that she didn’t realize she was doing it and would try to stop. Unfortunately, she didn’t stop, and every time after that that I mentioned it, she ignored me. It got to the point where I stopped raising my hand as much and I didn’t offer the answer if I knew it every time. I didn’t really care though, because I still participated enough that I would get good grades for it, and that’s all that mattered, right? The first day of sophomore year came and went, and once again, Ann was only in my harder classes with me. I did notice that her locker used to be five lockers down from mine, and now it was only four. I asked her about it, and she said that it was just where they assigned her, and not to think too much into it. This year, one of my friends joined the marching band. She didn’t know how to play or read music, so she went to the colorguard. I became intrigued by it, and she convinced me to go to one of the practices. Of course, Ann wanted to go with me. I told her she didn’t have to but she insisted. By the end of the night, I was hooked. Colorguard was so fun and exciting, I couldn’t wait to go to another practice. The coach even said I had lots of potential. At the time I didn’t know it, but I’d be in love with colorguard for the next three years. I could even do colorguard once I graduated high school, but I didn’t. Why, you ask? Ann ruined it for me.

  Ann ruined a lot of things for me. Every time I thought I was done with our friendship, she would comfort me like a blanket and I would forgive all she’d done. Let’s fast forward to junior year; one of the most critical years of high school. This was the year that I had to start thinking of the future, like college and career and life beyond being a young student. Every time I made a big decision, Ann was always right there with me. Even for little things, she was beside me. Ann was even beside me in class now. The last two years, she sat away from me, staring. Now, she sits right next to me in our classes together. Yes, she still stares when I do anything at all, convincing me that participating is definitely not what I want to do. With her stares overpowering me, I stopped raising my hand completely. I wouldn’t walk to the front of the room until someone else did, so all attention wouldn’t be on me. That’s how Ann worked; she only stared when everyone else would look at me. If the classroom’s eyes were not directly on me, Ann’s weren’t either. My participation grades did fall, but I didn’t care anymore, as long as Ann wasn’t looking at me.

  My grades fell too, and pretty drastically. I know I should only have myself to blame, but I’m putting the blame on Ann. She always said she’d be there for me, to help me when I’m struggling, but she didn’t do that anymore. I used to be close to giving up on schoolwork, but she would always swoop in and help me finish it. I’m not sure what made her change her mind, but she never helped me anymore. Even when I asked, she would either ignore me, or tell me to “figure it out yourself”. Sometimes, she would even tell me to “just not do it. It’s not like it’s a huge part of your grade.” I think something was wrong with her. She changed so much in just two years, and I didn’t notice, but I changed right along with her.

  Around the middle of my junior year, Ann started to scare me. I saw her everywhere, in every corner, in every hall, in every classroom, she was there. She didn’t smile anymore, and she didn’t comfort me anymore. Her stares were still there, watching me in class. I would even notice her staring at me when I wasn’t even doing anything. I didn’t even want to look at the teacher or the front of the classroom anymore, because I could see her in my peripheral vision, looking at me with her hollow eyes. The only way to not notice was to look at my desk, and distract myself by doodling. She ruined my grades, and she didn’t even care. That wasn’t the worst thing she did to me, though. At the end of my junior year, she had made me so shy and vulnerable, that my classmates didn’t even talk to me anymore. I was officially seen as the “weird, quiet girl”. I remember english class, we had a group project to do in class, and the teacher assigned me in a group with three of the popular kids. He didn’t say Ann was in our group, but she invited herself in. Every time I tried to participate in group discussion, she glared at me. Not stared, but glared. It wasn’t creepy this time; it was downright scary. I was petrified to say anything to anyone, and they did the entire project without my help. From that moment on, is when Ann started calling me names and bullying me. She always told me I was ugly and stupid and didn’t have any friends. I spotted her talking to my friends one day and ever since then, my friends didn’t pay me as much attention. I felt like the odd one out. I walked without laughing with them, and I was just consumed with Ann’s words eating away at me. I had become the girl I saw on the sidewalk my first day. I had become Ann.

  All of this combined threw me into a very dark hole, and guess who was right along with me down there. I was convinced that I was going to be stuck with Ann forever, and that made me feel awful. Between her words, my grades, my social life, and the stress of the future looming ahead, Ann escorted me straight into depression. There were handfuls of days when I didn’t even want to leave my bed because I didn’t feel like dealing her Ann all day. I skipped school more times than I can remember. When I did go to school, Ann accompanied me everywhere, and I didn’t even have the energy to fight her off. My days felt black and white, with no traces of color to cheer me up. I cried a lot of days, in the bathrooms, or in my car during lunch. Ann didn’t accompany me during those times, but the depression sure did. I eventually found a way to block her out for the most part, and that was with music. I brought my iPod to school everyday, and listened to music during class, in between class, and during lunch even. When I had my headphones in, I couldn’t hear Ann beside me, until she started getting louder. I couldn’t drown her out all the time, and whenever she had a say, she made me listen to what she wanted to listen to. Ann’s music taste was dark and upsetting. All she liked to listen to were songs about sadness and loneliness, and the lyrics made me feel worse. Ann always got her way though, so that’s what I had to listen to.

  Senior year was the worst year of my high school experience. Ann had completely taken over my life, and I couldn’t get her to leave me alone. She nagged in my ear during class, in the halls, at my locker, in the bathroom, during tests, outside for lunch, in the parking lot, etc. She never had anything nice to say anymore. All she did was mock me, and tell me I wasn’t worth it, and tell me to give up trying to get rid of her because she was never going to leave. My only sanctuary was in my art class. That was the only time I could really be myself and enjoy it. Even then, she’d appear in the window at the door sometimes. She even followed me home sometimes. She was never allowed in the house, I made sure of that, but she did appear in my dreams a lot. God, even when I wasn’t with her, I was with her. Besides my art class, colorguard was a good place to get away from her menacing looks. My friends spoke to me during practice, but I think the only reason they did was because Ann wasn’t there to influence them.

  She did eventually ruin colorguard for me. Once I graduated, I had the opportunity to do colorguard with the same team and coaches, but not affiliated with the school. I did it for a couple weeks, but Ann started showing up to the practices. This girl was stalking me, and making my life a living hell. She made me cry and she made me sick. Her dead eyes shook me to the core and my stomach was uneasy every time I was around her now. I was heading to one of my practices, and I saw Ann on the side of the road, staring at my passing car. I broke down into tears and had no choice but to pull into a parking lot. I couldn’t escape her, no matter where I went, she was following, and she was destroying my life. There was no way I could continue going to practices when Ann was tagging along. I had no choice but to quit. Ann caused me to quit my favorite thing in the world.

  I cried almost every night because of her. Her face tormented me, and I didn’t know of any way to get rid of her. Every time I tried to distract myself by hanging out with my friends, she came along. I don’t even know how she got there, she would just show up, and walk in the door uninvited. At the most random times, I would feel her presence around me; her negative vibe and sickening words were never far from me.

  As if ruining my academic life and social life wasn’t enough, she also ruined my love life. There were a handful of guys who I found attractive, and wanted to talk to, but Ann always convinced me not to. I don’t even know why I listened to her, honestly. I think it was her stern eyes and scary aura. She kept telling me that I would humiliate myself if I even looked at someone I liked. Imagine her dismay when the guys approached me first. Yes, there were a few guys who asked me out and I really did want to say yes, but Ann was spitting her vile words into my ear, saying I’m not worth their time, and they’ll find out how weird I truly am. I didn’t listen to her at first, and I actually did talk to this one guy, but when Ann found out, she quickly intervened, and that was the end of that. I watched my friends move on with their relationships, while I sat back, cornered by my worst enemy.

  You guessed it, Ann was my worst enemy now. She was absolutely nothing like she was when we first became friends. I believe that Ann is melicious and evil and she may not even know it. I recall multiple times when I would go to a party or a get-together at my friends houses, and I would be free. Ann didn’t tag along, maybe her parents wouldn’t let her out, and just when I would be enjoying myself, there she was; on the other side of the fence, or standing in the window. My friends never noticed her, I guess they didn’t think to look. It became a habit of mine; looking for her, waiting for her. I couldn’t help but make subtle glances in corners or windows when no one was looking at me. The strange part is, I almost wanted her to appear. Sometimes I would catch slivers of the old Ann and it made me hopeful that she had turned back into the comforting friend I once had. Unfortunately, nine times out of ten, she convinced me to leave their house and walk home with her.

  It finally got to the point where I would feel Ann around me when she wasn’t even there. Every time I would go out, whether it be to the store, the doctors, work, or just to dinner, I would be paranoid that she was going to be there. I didn’t tell my family or my friends about her, surprisingly. I figured that if they really cared enough, they’d ask me what was wrong. Well, that’s what Ann told me would happen. It sucked, being out to lunch, having a good time, and suddenly getting this feeling that someone’s watching me. I tried to be calm about it, but I couldn’t help looking around every time I felt that way. A lot of times, she wouldn’t actually be there, but my paranoia was basically equal to if she were sitting right next to me. I was scared to go places by myself, even at eighteen years old. I didn’t know how I would handle running into Ann in the grocery store when I was least expecting her to pop up. I was riddled with caution everywhere I went, and it was getting old. I decided that I couldn’t let her control my everyday actions anymore, and something had to change. I finally told my mom everything that had been happening. She heard all about Ann and the effect she had on me. She suggested that I go see a therapist, because they would be able to give me advice on how to let people go. So that’s what I did. Of course, Ann did accompany me to my first session, and I introduced her to my therapist. Her name is Sue, and she is such an important person in my life now. I am actually still seeing Sue, two years later, and she convinced Ann to stop coming to sessions, thank God. Sue gave me tools to keep Ann away from me, and it did help some. Unfortunately, Ann is extremely stubborn, so Sue prescribed me medication to calm my nerves whenever I’m around her. They help tremendously, because now when I see Ann, I don’t panic, and I don’t run for my life. Through therapy, medication, and realizing that I’m strong enough, I have overcome Ann’s influence.

  Don’t get me wrong, I still see Ann sometimes. When I’m out shopping, I’ll turn a corner and there she is; among the crowd. The difference is, she simply fades into the crowd instead of coming to me. Occasionally I’ll come face to face with her, and she starts running her mouth and trying to take my hand, but I won’t let her. Yes, she still scares me, a lot, but I’ve learned that if I don’t acknowledge her, she won’t try to get to me. Six long years of dealing with her, and I am finally the one who has control. If you ever get the misfortune of running into Ann, please run as fast as you can. You’ll know it’s her by the look in her eyes, and the feelings you’ll experience when you make eye contact. Do not let her friendliness and comfort trick you into opening yourself up to her, because if I could go back and change one thing, it would be letting Ann into my life.

  There is one thing I forgot to mention. Sue eventually got Ann to actually open up during sessions. I always tried to get to know Ann on a personal level, but she would never offer up any information on herself except that her name was Ann. We found out that her name is actually short for something; Anxiety. She confessed that she preys on vulnerability, and she latches onto weak people to make herself feel better. I don’t understand where Anxiety was coming from, but I did promise myself that I would help anyone who happens to mention to me that they met Anxiety. I want to be the person who can teach someone that Anxiety is not as tough as she thinks she is, and even though she still gets to me sometimes, that she’s possible to overcome.

having depression / anxiety is like remembering having wings but forgetting what it feels like to fly

Jack Kornfield (via thecalminside)

Marcus Aurelius (via thecalminside)

what im here for: little girls being allowed to cut their hair short and wear comfortable clothes so they can roll around and play. little girls never being asked about their theoretical “boyfriends” and not having the idea of having a boyfriend thrust on them. little girls having crushes on their best friend whos a girl and being able to be open about it. little girls being allowed to be themselves and be comfortable and be little kids.

n. m., from a book in progress (via wnq-writers)

I love lowkey vulgar girls that curse a little too much. I’m talking about myself