…so kill him?

• "What I hear when I’m being yelled at is people caring loudly at me."
• "I will defeat you. I will defeat you right into my pants."
• "Would you mind if I snapped a you-y? It’s what I call selfies of other people."
• "I’ll wear that red thing when you deserve to see me in that red thing."
• "Slowing down is not really my jam."
• "Live your life how you want, but don’t confuse drama with happiness."
• "I don’t drink alcohol from that portion of the color system."
• "What’s the 411? Who you crushin’ on these days?"
• "I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks."
• "If all goes well, this might be one of the last times I get to speak to you."
• "You are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing."
• "Children are terrible artists and artists are crooks."
• "I got you a going away present. I’m finally deleting you from my phone."
• "You can trust me because I don’t care enough about you to lie."
• "Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!"
• "I believe luck is a concept invented by the weak to explain their failures."
• "I wished for his happiness to go away. I might be a wizard."
• "My pleasure. See you in hell!"
• "I received adorable nicknames and amazing backrubs."
• "I think that comic sans always screams fun, right?"
• "If you re-arrange the letters of Peru, you get Europe."
• "Are you gonna murder me and bury me at this gas station?"
• "You’re beautiful! On the inside… where your spirit lives."
• "Is he eating soup? On a bench? Alone?"
• "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, this is a whole never level of nerd."
• "Behind every successful man is me smiling and taking partial credit."
• "When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them."
• "She’s the cold distant mother I never had. I love her."
• "I hope the rest of your day is cool beans."
• "Oh my God, your inbox is literally filled with penises."
• "I hope you brought a change of clothes because your eyes are about to piss tears."
• "I made my money the old fashioned way. I got run over by a Lexus!"
• "I think at some point you and I should probably make out with each other."
• "And let’s be honest, it would be nice to not have to pull strange things out of people’s butts every night."
• "It’s not for me. These waffles make great dog laxatives."
• "I’m sorry are you eating Turkey Chili off of a frisbee?"
• "Are you sick? Are you terminal? Is it like that movie A Walk to Remember?"
• "It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something."
• "Hey, are you alright? You seem super not happy."
• "Normally people tell you to talk about your problems. I’m gonna recommend you bottle that noise up."
• "There are two things I know about white people: they love Matchbox 20, and they are terrified of curses."
• "Then I’m sure he’s not cheating on you. But if he is, he’s a monster. And if he’s not, you guys are great together. But if he is, I will kill him."
• "Look, who hasn’t had gay thoughts? Who?"