"gator lies"

You’ve been sentenced to 400 years for multiple murders. It’s been 399 years and your jailers are starting to get nervous.

I was twenty… twenty-five, I think?… when I was sentenced. Four hundred years was a length of time I couldn’t even imagine. It was a length of time I don’t think anyone could imagine, even the judge. It was just a big showy number that let everyone know I’d never see the light of day again. The mages who cast the spells were dramatic about it, practically shouting the part about ‘until death claims you, or four hundred years hath passed, forsooth, thou shalt be imprisoned here’. They don’t waste that kind of magic on most prisoners, but I was special.

The Slayer, they called me then. The Monster of Sentan. I’d killed nineteen people… I remember that number because I was so furious that they stopped me so close to my goal of twenty-one. And I didn’t just kill ordinary people, no, but the Chosen of the Gods. The Great and Good. They were terrified of me. So they locked me away, to die forgotten.

It had been a little less than a hundred years when the king died without heir, and a civil war tore the country apart. When the fighting was all over, the losers were dragged down to the deepest cells under the castle, and the new king and his soldiers stopped and stared at me. “Who… who is this?” he asked, frowning. “Some victim of the usurper?”

People like cooks and jailers and scrubbers don’t change as easily as kings. The same man who’d been bringing me my meals since there was still brown in his hair and beard shuffled forward, hunched and grey now. “No, yer majesty,” he said humbly. “That be a special prisoner, from before the old king died.”

“Special? Special how?” He frowned, moving closer to my cell. “The old king died more than ten years ago. This woman must have been a child then. What could she have done to - “

“Don’t get too close, yer majesty,” the old man said sharply. “That’s the Monster of Sentan… an’ she bites.”

That was true. I do bite.

Keep reading

Yeah something about a name fitting someones profession is just perfect. Makes me sad my name won’t work for that.

Characters being compared to dogs always use terriers or pitbulls or something for their metaphors. “They grab on and they don’t let go” “They keep worrying at it until it’s dead” etc.

Anyway, I want to see collies used as metaphors. Albert Payson Terhune style. “He was like an attack dog–making slash-and-run attacks, cutting them up worse every time, never staying in range long enough to get hurt but circling back over and over.”

@animatedamerican yes EXCELLENT.

“He was like a bloodhound–not actually that violent at all, but his reputation did the work for him.”

“He was like a corgi: by all signs unaware that a fight was even happening, just enthusiastic and delighted to be involved.”

“He was like a labrador– so known for being friendly and having a soft mouth that everyone forgot that he was actually quite large and had teeth.”

“He was like a poodle - much smarter than you’d expect for someone with such flamboyant hair ”

“He was like an Irish Wolfhound - he could do more damage being friendly than most people could do in a blind rage.”

He was like a beagle - AAAUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *breath* AUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I only learned recently that people from Not America don’t specify hard cider and instead it’s just cider.

I know this is a small difference but it is surprisingly one I do sometimes have to lie down on the floor about.

I don’t like apple juice but I do like cider and every time I’ve said that around a person from English speaking Not America there’s a chance they might’ve thought I was talking about an alcoholic beverage but I was not.

The tiny tiny things that lead to tiny tiny false assumptions. They are everywhere. I can’t escape them. I need to lie down.

Basically unfiltered and very cloudy apple juice. Can be served hot or cold. When Americans talk about alcoholic apple beverage we say Hard Cider because to us cider is a sweet unfiltered fall beverage fun for the whole family.

@bitchboy-bozo

Our international reputation must be even worse than I thought if people have just assumed that we’re giving children alcohol

ID: The first image is a post reply from queerasaurus-rexx: wait… what do americans think cider is? The second image is a screenshot of tags that read: #OH- #I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE JUST GIVING YOUR KIDS ALCOHOL #I mean to be fair it’s not that strange of an assumption- (End ID)

I mean, European children do very much drink hard cider. But more importantly, you can’t actually buy soft cider-equivalent beverages in the UK or in the European countries I’m most familiar with.

The comments imply that “cloudy apple juice” is the equivalent, but this is not cider. In the notes people are posting comparison pictures where both drinks look like this and the only difference is the presence or absence of bubbles. It’s literally just pictures of cloudy apple juice! Cloudy apple juice is abundant and not cider.

The cider I miss is dark brown and syrupy. It leaves sediment at the bottom of the jug. It doesn’t need to be mulled because it already tastes mulled. It isn’t juice and lots of kids don’t even like it because it’s a little strange. Sometimes it’s served hot with caramel and a cinnamon stick. And I can’t have any, because it isn’t fuckign cloudy apple juice, so, you know, thanks for that.

This is apple cider to a New Englander. It's hard to describe the taste of you haven't had it, but it's not just "unfiltered apple juice". Someone in the comments mentioned sparkling cider, and although they're right about it being a celebratory drink (my family gives it to kids in wine glasses at holiday meals so they don't feel left out of the fancy glass party) it is not the same thing as this.

This is the kind that you heat up and put mulling spices in, if you are so inclined.

Exactly, it’s oxidised (brown, like apple flesh turns when you expose it to air.) it’s slightly fermented-ish (the wild yeasts on the apple’s skin weren’t INSTANTLY MURDERED, so there’s almost a spicy/vinegar/prickly tang.) it contains sediment, like mother-of-apple-cider-vinegar, and is thick and syrupy. It isn’t cloudy so much as opaque.

Saying to the world that cider is “just cloudy apple juice” is like if I told Americans, “oh yeah, British people like brown sauce, but it’s really just Worcestershire sauce. Isn’t it cute and stupid and remedial of them to call it ‘brown’ sauce because it’s brown?” And the 10k notes are people going “lmao British people, can’t cook and all their names are baby talk” with a few lone Brits crying out that ACTUALLY THAT ISNT TRUE AT ALL, THEYRE VERY DIFFERENT, WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE IS A SALTY THIN FLAVORING FOR COTTAGE PIE AND BROWN SAUCE IS A THICK VINEGAR KETCHUP FOR FRY-UPS!!! STOP SAYING THIS, IT ISNT TRUE -

Anyway that would just be mildly annoying EXCEPT that I have had a moment of precognition in which some kindly friend, thinking they are bringing me a great gift and a treasured favor, will now visit me in the UK having brought (and ferried at great expense) a bottle of fucking apple juice I regularly buy at Tesco, pictured above, with the delighted expectation of me welcoming the treat of real American cider. I can picture it and it’s breaking my heart.

Australian who lived in Canada for a few years, here to help!

Okay, first of all, it's not America we're talking about but North America. So, Canada too.

Secondly, not 'cloudy apple juice' but literally 'pressed/crushed apples'. Barely filtered if at all. You can literally go to farms in season and get massive vats of their apples which have just been. crushed. and, as @elodieunderglass says, not sterilised in any way, SO.

Thirdly: I made cider out of the cider. A friend and I got a bunch of fermentation equipment and did several experiments with farm-cider, cloudy apple juice from a shop, and filtered apple juice, with five different types of wine or cider yeast.

The absolutely best results (in terms of flavour AND alcohol content) were. The farm cider with no extra yeast, just the natural yeasts present on the apple skin. In the other brews made from the same crushed apples, the wild yeast won out in the end over the commercial yeast, but because they had that fight to win they didn't have so much time to develop and ferment, so the flavour wasn't so developed as in the [hard] cider with no commercial yeast.

Make of that what you will.

Note: the thing where soft cider makes good hard cider? That’s why soft cider is a thing.

You also can’t get soft cider everywhere in the US. In a lot of areas it’s only available direct from orchards that do enough apple processing that they have cider equipment. And soft cider is not shelf stable, and it cannot be made stable. It will start fermenting into hard cider within a few days, so it’s super perishable if you want it as itself. And it tastes different from different farms.

I miss it, but I’ve had over 15 years to get used to not having it.

norman reedus and his son mingus dont look related at all

this looks like matty b raps took a blind homeless man to a basketball game instead of a nice family photo

fuck you thats not his name

what do i have to gain by lying on this site? what the fuck is in it for me? fame? fortune? clout? meaningless distractions. there is no pleasure greater than the knowledge of mingus lucien reedus’ true name. and as i have suffered to gain this, so too shall you all. live as a flagellant and bleed in his name. our lord, mingus.

The Reedus family’s cat also has a weird ass name but the story is so cute and Norman is a great father omg

Chaotic good

Second order of creamed honey from Ioway Bee Farm finally arrived and while the almond creamed honey was a little underwhelming the blueberry one was almost *too* decadent. Like mortals were not made for something that tastes this good. This honey could corrupt a man from the first spoonful. It helps me to avoid eating half the jar in one go, though.

I’m trying to be but getting testosterone without a family doctor is borderline impossible.

Why are you people talking about my post like stock market speculators.

The Forbidden Pool

Every so often a note will blow through my notifs telling me “Um actually the water is only radioactive at the bottom so it’s perfectly safe to swim here” yeah bitch swim in the reactor pool see if I fucking care

Be honest, did you react like Erika did watching this?

Watch the full episode here

That’s the face of a man who has been working with that dog for over a year to keep it from jumping on people.

And that’s the face of a dog saying to the man I’m not touching you.

people who draw fictional characters cuddling or napping together are the backbone of pur society, truly where would we be without them

Who’s Alex?

Billboard demonstrating gender stereotypes as most people automatically assume that Alex is the boy.

Actually, I’ve studied design and advertising, and I can tell you that the reason people would look at this and immediately assume Alex is the boy is because, quite simply, the boy is the focal point of the ad.

English-speaking readers’ line of sight goes from left to right and up to down. This ad leads the viewer from the words MEET ALEX etc straight to the boy and then over and down to the girl. I didn’t even notice there was a set of parenthesis with words in them in the ad until I looked the fourth time. 

This is a fallacious confirmation bias, as anyone looking at it will assume Alex is the focal point (i.e. The Boy) and then if they’re perceptive they’ll notice the words at the bottom. Aha! Those damn gender stereotypes gotcha again! Except no, because the ad literally forces you to read it as “Alex is the boy” by the visual language and lines of sight. 

A better ad would have been structured from top to bottom instead of left to right, and wouldn’t have pushed the girl, the real subject of the ad (who, by the way, has been VISUALLY PUSHED OUT OF HER RIGHTFUL SPACE ON THE AD BY HER BROTHER) off to the corner as far away from her identifiers as possible. 

Here, I’ll make you a better ad.

Bam. Shitty stock photo but you get the point. If anyone sees this and assumes Alex is the boy, they don’t have the the ad layout to use as an excuse for their internalized gender shittery. Likewise, the ad isn’t actively trying to make you read it a certain way and THEN making you feel guilty for interpreting it the way they designed it to be. 

my mother taught me to crochet when i was young. she was left handed, so she taught me how in the bathroom mirror so her hands would be in the right position.

she learned to crochet from her grandmother, who was right handed. her grandma was the one that originally used the bathroom mirror to teach her granddaughter properly.

i find something poetic about that. here in this bathroom mirror, through generations, we adapt to our young who have a different way of learning and interacting with the world

"Men should put the seat down when they're done peeing so that I don't fall into the toilet when I sit down to pee"

"Actually women should be putting the seat back up when they're done peeing as a courtesy so that I don't have to touch it and put the seat up before I pee"

Actually, both the seat AND lid should be down when no one is actively using the toilet, because this prevents things from accidentally falling into / accidentally being dropped into the toilet. Also having the lid down when you're flushing is important because it prevents the toilet from spraying out bacteria.

Fanfic reader's prayer: may my favorite author's hyperfixation on this fandom last longer than mine 🙏

i find it very disorientating the way americans refer to uni as "school" (especially postgrad) because sometimes i'm talking to someone online and i'm trying to gauge their age (often if they're talking shit and i want to know how firmly to call them out on it) and they start talking about "school" and "homework" and I'm like. okay, they're sixteen, it's fine, i'll let them off

and then you find out they're 26 and a phd student or something