my only two moods ever are tenderness and hysteria

I found a lovely snail at work who was dried out so I let him have a shower and he seemed to enjoy it!! 🐌🚿

i don’t lose hyperfixations they just go dormant until I hear something about it like a sleeper agent

you never think youll become one of those people who goes to restaurants alone and eats alone and drives 4 hours to go chill by a lake in the middle of nowhere alone but then you do

Man sees crab for the first time.

does he...

Live in the

Some fucking

mollusk

pulls up

@uss-edsall

i got a new meme format hot off the press y’all

And it keeps on going

True crime podcast: Police say the suspect not only murdered his victims, but dismembered and ate their body parts piece by piece. I guess they had never heard of Blue Apron. Blue Apron provides dozens of delicious meals for

A tall man who thinks being 6'4" is a personality: I’m 6'4" Me, leaving them on read:

Yeah but I haven’t needed a claw to reach the top shelf since I was 7 so stay mad about it shrimp

And I haven’t needed a 6'4" man since I got my reaching claw.

Went straight for their kneecaps on that one

nintendo: can't have alcohol in our child gambling games!!! solution???

Me after consuming nineteen (19) glasses of vacation juice:

noooo, don’t be mortified by the ordeal of being known…you’re so loveable lol

this video has disrupted my every waking thought for the past three days

me? I’m a simply guy, I see a pigeon with even the slightest difference in color or pattern than the average pigeon, and I say “wow look at that pigeon!” it’s just who I am

@augustheart