get scared later.

worst self care task is 100% brushing teeth why is every other bone self cleaning i hate you

i think a series of unfortunate events would have been much shorter and extremely different if we gave sunny baudelaire a gun

violet baudelaire could take a gun apart and put it back together and backwards engineer how it worked, but the prospect of murder would freeze her. klaus baudelaire would get too caught up in the moral implications of killing another human being and would also freeze. sunny baudelaire WOULD kill a human being given the proper tools or if once placed their throat near enough to her sharp little teeth.

I love getting unaccompanied minors (kids flying alone) who so clearly just. Don't want to be here lol. Sometimes I get to know a little of their story, like their parents are divorced, or a family member died and they're heading to the funeral, but usually they just don't want to talk about it and that's fine. But I always treat the flight like it's a challenge to make them smile. I offer them snacks and soda but that's never enough, that's whatever, they could get those from an airport vending machine. Chump change. So then I tell the worst jokes. Just the most embarrassing, kindergarten teacher, annoying dad jokes you can think of. And those always get a groan, or a "Seriously??" And that's my in! Now I can say "Why, what's your idea of a good joke? No, come on hotshot, make your best joke, let's see it." And they hem and they haw but of course they eventually tell me their very best joke because kids are little competitive comedy goldmines. And it's always super funny, so I laugh, and that's where they slip up. Because you know what you almost always do when your joke successfully makes someone laugh? You smile. And I'm like. Gotcha. Rookie move. Now you're going to end up having a good time in spite of yourself. I win.

Did this with an 11yo u.m. today and he said "What did the ghost say to the other ghost?" And I said "What?" "Nothing. Ghosts aren't real."

I'm literally a flight attendant, offering snacks and drinks is my job

gshsjb

I stopped reading DNIs because 90% of the time they were just fucking inscrutable to me. I’d go to somebody’s page and it would be like “DNI if you’re a COSLA apologist,” so then I would Google COSLA and it was just like “Welp, either things are really heating up in the Convention of Scottish Local Authorities fandom or I still have no idea what the fuck this person is talking about.” Or “DNI if you identify as ANFO.” Okay, well, I definitely don’t identify as Ammonium Nitrate/Fuel Oil, but that’s probably not what you meant (although hey, maybe you did; I obviously don’t know enough about your views on chemical compounds to outright dispute that option).” Like, you have my blessing to hate whatever obscure fandom pairing or super niche kink group you want, but just know I am embracing ignorance on this one and will not be looking that shit up. Peace.

reading DNIs is like reading conlang-heavy sci-fi

now why are they shortening the notes

tumblr staff just frantically rearranging furniture to make the place look nicer because a bunch of unexpected guests (twitter refugees) are coming over

This is definitely a plausible Hank moment, but only after a long episode of him misunderstanding and getting it ignorantly (but not maliciously) wrong at first, being distressed and confused about how he’s out of touch with the kids and gender ain’t simple like it used to be

right up until some rude asshole does this in his face and he needs to stand up for his friends / family and suddenly Understands the emotional crux of the issue

“And you have all these so called whistleblowers claiming the government is putting chemicals in vaccines and food to make you one of them transgenders or homosexuals. But I’ve never seen a transgender support the government or one of those so-called “gay frogs”, so it makes you wonder what THEYRE really putting in this stuff. All I’m saying is that Chelsea Manning went to prison and Mr. Rogan is a millionaire, and you always gotta follow the money”

“Tell you what man, talkin’ ‘bout dang ‘ol critical gender theory man, ‘s all a construct, talkin’ ‘bout man’s man and real woman but I tell you what man, talkin’ ‘bout when the lights are off we all just dang ‘ol people man”

Predictions of dark forces being unleashed by an evil vixen hung over social media in Japan on Monday after a famous volcanic rock said to kill anyone who comes into contact with it was found split in two.

According to the mythology surrounding the Sessho-seki, or killing stone, the object contains the transformed corpse of Tamamo-no-Mae, a beautiful woman … Legend has it that her true identity was an evil nine-tailed fox whose spirit is embedded in the hunk of lava, located in an area of Tochigi.

Of all the bad things 2022 has unleashed upon Earth so far, evil kitsune Tamamo-no-mae being freed was not on my bingo card!

They just hate to see a girlfox winning

this is what GOOD PUSSY sounds like *sound of gun cocking

I love this meme because I think humans 10,000 years ago or 100,000 years ago would also like it

people get so confused trying to figure out the Lois/Clark/Superman situation that somehow they come to the conclusion that Clark is cheating on Lois with Superman

I mean Lois clearly has nothing to hide, everyone from here to Krypton’s seen Superman fly her with a chaste hand around her waist. but Clark puts an awful lot of effort into making sure no one ever gets a pic of him and Superman together

what is he worried Lois will see

people shake their heads sadly every time Superman visits the Daily Planet and then Clark emerges from a closet disheveled and tucking his shirt back into his pants. but if Lois won’t see it there’s nothing they can do

Shorts that say this on the ass

There'll be a moment when you realise you're 27 when yesterday you were just 17; and you wouldn't be able to tell how a decade passed away and your life got divided into before and afters. The fury of youth will subdue and nothing will really change but everything will feel different when you look at old photographs and blurry videos taken on cheap mobile phones. Scents will remind you of childhood and certain friends you don't talk to anymore, hangouts will become reunions and mom's burnt pie will become the best food you ever had. And I know on some days you won't be able to show anything of those 10 years but I hope you remember to breathe, and let go of the knot in your chest. I hope you go out in the sun and live a little, because tomorrow is 37.

Edit- I added the visualizer for this piece on my YT, check it out here

-Ritika Jyala, excerpt from The Flesh I Burned

i think i'd like to hang out with jesus not in a religious way i just think we would get along

Got this vid on my FYP and couldnt not share it here

“You can’t consume problematic media!”

Maybe YOU can’t. I, on the other hand, have critical thinking skills and a lot of spite

I am also incredibly sexy