how does it feel to be the funniest person on earth

You’ve heard about Mom Friend and Dad Friend, now get ready for....

Grandpa Friend™:

- almost always grumpy - bad at showing affection but cares about their friends a lot - “what did you say?”, “Sorry i didn’t hear that, can you repeat it?” - often reminisces about their youth (even though they’re probably only in their twenties. Alternatively: “kids these days…”) - too old for this shit (see above) - totally not down with the youth - bad back (and everything else hurts too) - likes to complain

… don’t call me out like this

this is me omigod

Demons are real and they write for the new york times.

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A world where humans have no innate magic but our pets do.

Cat magic is pretty raw and they mainly use it for getting into places they’re not supposed to. They can be trained if you’re patient, and will sometimes do favours for their owners out if the blue, but only if they want to.

Dogs have been bred for specific magic over the centuries and each breed can do certain things. Showing off your magic is an essential part of a dog show.

Horses come in horse, pegasus, and unicorn, each with their own magical talents.

Fuck knows what birds can do, I don’t trust birds.

For an obvious example… dalmatians have been bred for fire magic. A properly trained dalmatian will run into a burning building and all the fires around it will go out. Caution is necessary, of course, because they can also do the opposite. Their favourite toys are often a bit blackened, and puppies must be kept in fireproof surroundings, with extinguishers in easy reach.

The Pekingese’ magic is camouflage - they can change colour to match whatever they touch, whether a blanket, a mossy rock, or even a reflective mirror. This ability originally enabled them to hide in a robe, so their owners could take them into places where dogs were technically not permitted. The classic image of a pekingese is of it sitting outside a building, appearing to be part of the stonework… until it reveals itself to growl at an intruder.

Portuguese water dogs are canine silkies - in deep enough water they transform into curly-haired seals, and when they climb back out and shake off, they turn back into dogs.

Cats are often thought to be selfish and troublesome, to only use their magic for themselves, and for random but odd favours.

This is not the entire truth.

Cat magic is largely Watch and Ward, which is only observable in what does not happen. Cats are known to protect sleeping humans from danger simply by being present, their lamp-like eyes acting as a sort of n’est pas possible upon all possible intruders, from pests to more deadly threats.

Pitbulls over the ages were bred to emit magic to calm children and help them sleep

Collies can multiply themselves for a short time to corral animals

St Bernard’s turn into snow and can feel where an avalanche is going to happen hours before the event

Anatolian Shepherd can shapeshift into other animals around them to blend in

corgi magic is banned in most public areas, and one of the few dog magics not to be demonstrated in show- allowing your corgi to perform magic in public can be punished with up to $1000 in fines, even before the costs of damage to people and property

Golden Retriever magic is sometimes considered “disney” magic, as they typically attract waterfowl and game birds. this is not always the benefit one thinks it would be, as some lines have a penchant for attracting swans! some, however, attract vertebrates of a different sort. one remarkable individual was given an honorary degree in wildlife biology for her prodigious ability to attract frogs and toads, and is currently hard at work in Costa Rica.

#I would die for that fictional golden retriever scientists

no. you must live for her. she demands it of you. how else would you be able to appreciate all these great amphibians she’s finding?

A cat’s protective aura gets stronger in response to affection and respect. If you bond strongly enough with one, you can actually FEEL the magic working, soothing fear and anxiety. They also work in dreams, catching and killing nightmares. Some can do this from several rooms away, while others like to work more closely and will sit on their owners’ chests or heads while they sleep.

Yes please to all of this.

Rat magic: a mysterious multiplication of SOMETHING–food or other valuable resources generally–which can be pretty handy if you don’t mind the nibble marks.

Beagle magic is mostly low-grade telepathy, which is very handy for coordinating a pack hunt, but also makes individual dogs prone to neurosis.

Some cats, like their behaviour of presenting a prey, also sometimes present their owner with a small magical favour. Sometimes this involves a transmuted treat. Sometimes this involves a clumsy owner growing whiskers

What the hell do Corgis do that it is illegal for them to do their magic in public?

hooooly fucking shit I founds the most shark plush ever

like you all cannot even be prePARED

like what the fuck. how is he shaped like that

you cannot even undersTAND

I bet you think you have some semblance of an inkling of an iota of an idea of what this shark plush looks like but I promise that you are incorrect

Does anyone else even DESERVE to see him is humanity even ready is humanity even worthy

literally oh my god his face. his eyes. his shape.

are you ready. are you even ready

absolutely shaped

I love desire paths. There's something so wonderous about seeing an echo of humanity. Depending on it's location, a desire path can mean so many different things.

In a city, like the pic above, they represent rebellion, and efficiency. The messiness of humanity. We like to imagine we're oh so logical and neat so we design our cities to be logical and neat an then real humans literally trample on that idea. The ego required to think you can design something perfect that checks every box. Life is all about compromise and patching stuff when some new problem arises. Though people have certainly tried! Ohio state univeristy let students carve their desire paths, and then paved them over. It looks pretty artsy.

Some people will try to discourage desire paths, but this is almost always going to fail.

Eventually, people just have to accept them. Humans are too dang stubborn.

Certain desire paths are just adorable. A 0.5 second time saver. You just can't design for maximum efficiency, humans will always find shortcuts!

Though on occasion a desire path can actually be the least efficient way...especially if you're superstitious.

In a wilder area, such as below, they show us the curiosity of humans. A desire path somewhere natural often tells you there's something interesting just ahead. (Though remember some ecosystems are fragile and will suffer if trampled! Stick to paths in these sorts of areas)

And how about desire stairs? I always think these look so cool. We get see humans determination to climb, to traverse every kind of terrain.

And for something really crazy...a desire path used for centuries will create a 'holloway'

All of these pics are off the Desirepath subreddit, check them out for more examples! And many thanks to the users who submitted these photos.

I always wondered if these had a name. Now I know. :)

ah yes, the three genders: the broken, the beaten, and the damned

you can do all those to an egg

How do you damn an egg

sometimes u go on google searching for a reference image and you just find something that is totally not what you are looking for but is better than anything u could have ever dreamed

who is she

[source]

the moment I saw this woman I was completely overcome with the feeling that she was, at that very moment, somehow divorcing me

I feel that

Mottisfont Gardens

i have two heroes

who wore it better?

they both wore it gayly and now they're gonna make out

Why's everyone always gotta pit two bad bitches against one another