my existence is a momentary lapse in reason

we used to have normalized whump. remember what they took from you....

back in the day you could write about the most sickeningly vile atrocious war crimes happening to your blorbo and everyone was like. kyaaaaaaaa >w<. they just got it. they understood

REMEMEBER IF HARD WATER IS CAUSING CALCIUM BUILDUP IN YOUR BONG, JUST LET SOME WHITE VINEGAR SIT IN THAT THING FOR A FEW MINUTES AND SHE'LL BE LOOKIN BRAND NEW. JUST DONT SMOKE WEED WOTH THE VINEGAR INSIDE PLEASE

I am not nearly advanced enough to come away from such a maneuver unscathed

You know when Terry Pratchett said 'It doesn't stop being magic just because you know how it works'? Yeah, he meant this.

there are some internet friends where eventually you start calling them by their real name and then there’s times where its like nah son your name is crispy forever

disturbingly average customer service experience

This is from The Santa Clarita Diet this man isn't even the main character and neither is the cashier so GO WATCH

a stud in black leather on a black motorcycle just revved their engine at me and thank god I tore my demonic uterus out ages ago because I think that would have finally knocked me up

what a universe……

that sounds rough dude have you tried taking hallucinogens with 2 transsexual animals

I DO obsessively read peoples tags when they rb my art

And, yes, I DO kick my little feets and giggle when I get compliments

“do we think maybe a vegetable would cause less despair” still living in my head rent free

hello I am speaking to you from the future: this guy is awful at sex and will put you in the hospital. he owes you $500. you will have one orgasm the entire time you are with him and it will be followed by him scolding you to move your hand away from your clit because "it's distracting" and he can't cum unless he mimics the exact same level of numb pressure and total dissociation he has conditioned himself to masturbating with five times a day. every girl he has ever dated has tried to commit suicide. after you get away from him you will realize he looks exactly like Carl from Aqua Teen. instead of dating him you should turn your 100k word Sabrina fanfic into a breakout YA novel using find-and-replace and buy a decent vacuum cleaner

yall gotta be nicer about m/f  bc sometimes u guys like the blandest gay sutff ive ever seen in my life