Anonymous asked:
How are you today?
I’m a lil tired or everything, love. Thanks for asking
Anonymous asked:
Is INFJ really the type to think toys might actually become quite sad and lonely of nobody's playing with them?
Why on earth are you asking me this? I don't see any relevancy and I cannot speak for all INFJs.
It's the virgin take on sleeping around I guess
I let him crawl into my heart the way he would crawl into my body
He flowers me in adoration and extolment as if he were kissing my neck
His words take control of my thoughts
Like he is holding down my arms
We smile, breathing heavy
I cry after he leaves
I knew he didn't plan on staying
But he numbed the loneliness
He'll be missed
I won't.
Mara Later-"A Cure"
His hands have always shaken
Like when he is cooking
Like when he is reading
Like when he paints
I guess that’s why his handwriting was never more than symbols to some
He’s always been afraid to be taken
Like when he liked her
Like when they dated
Like when he learned
That sexuality isn’t always blatant
I guess that’s why he waited
He waited and dated and skated secrets around me
And when he handed me a picture of a man I’ve never seen and says
“We’re dating”,
His hands were shaking.
Mara Later- “When You Love the Wrong Boy”
Isn’t it almost beautiful the way loneliness works?
I sit in my tiny studio apartment
Its one a.m.
Tears role down my tired face
Another lonely soul was a door away
Feels as lonely as I do and yet we have no idea
She sleeps now and dreams about lost loves
I sit awake pondering over what ifs
What would we do if he still loved me?
Would he come wipe away my tears?
Would I have a reason to be lonely?
What would we do if I would have gone to her door tonight?
Would she still dream of forgetful lovers or would we laugh over ice cream?
How can we be so alone with each other so near?
How can I wonder so deeply about what I was so sure of?
Is there an escape to the madness of winter?
Is it the clouds that block my love for life?
Am I suffering or just blinded?
Lonely lives live longer
Dreaming will get us nowhere
We are in the dark
Mara Later- Lonely Hearts
Tell me who I am. Tell me I've changed and that the sun doesn't give me life anymore because I have a sun inside me. Tell me I'm different because I laugh a little louder these days. Tell me my smile is brighter and my teeth are whiter and my back is straighter and my fears are smaller. Tell me my words are more in number but less in depth and tell me that it's okay to be a little less deep in my words because sometimes deep is dark and for right now I need the light of surface. Tell me I've changed. I dare you. Tell me in a condescending way that my joy is irritating and that my happiness is selfish. I dare you to steal my heart full of love and then blame me for it. Tell me I'm different. I am.
Mara Later
Quite possibly the most hollow feeling there is
Is when you love someone, and they even love you back,
But when one of you must leave,
You know with absolute certainty
That you will miss them more than they will miss you.
Mara Later, The Lonely Leaving
When my mom finally grasped the symptoms of my depression,
She told me
‘You need sunlight’
I laughed
You claim that everyone leaves but the reality is you never really considered me there.
Why pretend to miss who you don't care about? Mara Later
Anonymous asked:
I started following your blog a month or two ago. You seem like a beautiful, sweet and amazing person the world has been blessed with who has many struggles and whose life isn't easy. I noticed you haven't updated your blog in a while and if you get this(and I hope you will) I hope things get easier. You are not alone dearest and if you ever need someone to talk to, I'll be here.
Yo thanks. I haven't updated in a while you're right. I keep starting things and not finishing them or not liking them and just throwing them out. I have a few other active blogs and I've somehow managed to neglect this one. Also life is hitting me pretty hard right now and as much as I could use that to pour into my writing, I don't have time or motivation. Also not trying to be rude, but who are you? You said you're here if I ever want to talk but who would I talk to?
I want to say that it's easier in the mornings. I want to believe that darkness only exists at night and when I wake up, the fear should wash away at least for a while.
But that's not how it is here in my head.
I wake up not knowing if I slept.
I open my eyes only because I can't force them shut any longer.
I start breathing voluntarily because now that I'm awake again, I have to will to be alive.
When I wake up, the fears wash over me.
The demons are everywhere.
Their voices still call.
"Still Scared in the Morning" Mara Later
I think I've gotten addicted to this feeling of cold shaking.
It's why I'll go 30 hours without eating and then chug a gallon of ice water.
It's why I let my hands get so dry they crack.
It's why I "forget" my anxiety medication almost every morning until I absolutely have to have it.
I think it creates that numbness that is so familiar.
If I'm shaking so bad I can't see, the pain of anything else seems silly.
So I stay like that until it's too much on its own, then I let the fire of my past burn some holes in my bones to convince me that I'm warm again.
"It's a nasty addiction, but it's mine" Mara Later
Anonymous asked:
Dear mara, I want to tell you, you are golden. But I know you'd say, "I know." But the one who acknowledges it is your mind. "I know" it would say. You Mara, is a precious star that thinks you shine the same just as the other stars do. But you don't know, that you're the brightest one in the dark lit sky. Stay hungry, sweetbun.
Oh my god.
Well, thank you for your sweet words. But I don't shine nearly as bright as you must think I do. I wish I were better at being bright. I am far from golden.
I guess it's gotten to where it's not that I don't want to exist, I just don't want to exist like this. Not now with this future and this past and this body and this mind and these rules and questions and this knowledge.
I want to to exist in a way where I know I'll be okay.
I'm tired of existing with the simple goal of continuing to exist.
No longer a suicide note
The process of learning to love someone after they've changed is a huge indicator of maturity. The choice to no longer love them after they've changed is right there with it.
I realized that I do not need you. Yes, there are people I need. There are a few that without them, I would fall apart.
But you, I don't need you. I realized I am completely whole on my own and I don't need you to make me anything I am lacking.
But my god I want you. I want all of you in all the ways possible. And I want you to want me the same way.
I Think I've Discovered New Love -Mara Later
I went numb before I needed to
I sought peace when I needed you.
In my searching I found death
And in death I found hope.
At six feet under the grass
I dreamed.
My dreams were dark and I loved them
My dreams were fierce and I loved them.
The dreams came too much and I
Stopped.
The dreaming became longing and the longing became painful and before I knew it I was spiralling into a hole of despair so dark that I couldn’t look up.
In the dark I kept searching and my dreams came back but they were good.
I dreamt of better days
The hope could stay
I was improving.
In the dark I stubbed my toe and fell
I crashed into the mud and was cold.
I was reminded of my dreams so long ago of being six feet under and realized I was already there.
Someone wise had told me that living people shouldn’t live where dead people are
But I didn’t know which I was.
I couldn’t feel a heartbeat under the rust
And I kept thinking I could wait
I was playing the waiting game
I could wait on you forever.
I went in circles around my pit
Some parts were kind of lit
And some were dark and reminded me
Of ways it used to be
I waited
I waited
In the pain I turned it off.
I sat and I stopped looking.
I abandoned ideas of the future.
I stared at the dirt walls without sound.
The endless tears had run dry.
My skin has started to heal and in contrast my brain is starting to rot.
I went numb before I needed to.
And oh God, I need you.
Mara Later, “Searching”
Someday I’ll do this as a spoken word.