I deferred grad school this year
I could have tossed myself off the deep end into a MFA program this year but instead I tossed myself into the actual ocean of figuring out who I am and trying new things and healing from trauma. I don’t know if it’s the right decision, and my request for deferral is sitting open in my email drafts right now.
More on this later, but long story short I’ve been gone because I have had an actual existential crisis. I wish I was joking! I went from “is this what I want?” to “can I do it?” to “what else can I do too?” to full on “who am I?”
Pro tip: don’t ask yourself “who am I?” while the world is forcing you to grow and really expect to be okay after. “What the fuck” doesn’t cover it!
I’m 26. I talked to a person who said that our ego shatters when we hit our midlife crisis, and we wake up to the starkness of our existence. I’m struggling to wake up a full 25 years earlier, to be fully conscious and experiential of the world. I’m terrified I’ll fail, but there’s not much to fail at unless I choose to do nothing.
Most days I still struggle to feel like a good person. Some of you have been with me since day one, and have seen me rise and fall more times than I can count. I don’t innately *know* I’m a good person anymore, and for better or for worse, validation doesn’t… work.
I feel very alone, and the world is echoing with a lot of old negative energy, and a lot of painful memories. I feel like I finally flagged down a solution only to refuse a lifeboat because I’m still in awe that I can swim.
My goal is to make myself my own center of gravity, my own safe space, and my own universe. I’m so scared!
I logged back onto tumblr to tell my past self and anyone still left on this space that I graduated grad school last year, yes, I’m happy, and yes, I made it through my anxiety and depression. Past me, I’m so proud of you and I’m so sorry for the pain you went through. We still lift, we still run, and now we’re officially working artists. You did it.
I’m 30. 25 was my expiration date and I’ve had 4 years of a weirdly blessed afterlife filled with joy and recovery. Yes, past self, you are a good person. We’re fucking amazing. The journey you go on after this post will change you. Things will die and new things will take their place. You still have no center of gravity but you’re about to learn that being untethered from the life of “should be’s” is the best way to exist.
To any of you reading this who may still be on here, I love you and god am I proud of you all. Stay safe, I’ll be back to check in on you <3
