I loved the way we were when we were together
you were the closest thing to love that I had
things seemed easy
peaceful
It was useless
we had something special to me
you didn’t want anything else
I loved you without realizing that I did
you left because you didn't want the same
I wish you the best
I should’ve fought harder for you
but this is for the best
my demons have gotten the best of me
and they have gotten the worst of me
my demons are not a part of me for the least
they are an embodiment of who I was
somehow they want to catch up with me
they want to eat me alive
my demons were always a part of me even when
I wanted to let them go
what people don’t understand about the demons and I
are the fact that they are me
they are what I would be
what I used to let in my past
they are something that I am not proud of
yet they mean everything to me
I have been with my demons for so long
that without them, I am lost
I would always be lost without them
my demons are something that I am
they are someone who I would have been if I didn't let them in
what I realized is that even though
they aren’t the embodiment of who I am now
they will always be a part of me
they will always control who I am
always whispering in my ear
‘you are nothing’
‘you should join us’
‘let us in for we know what’s best for you’
letting them in was the one of the worst things I ever done before
because of my demons who still haunts me til this day
I have depression and anxiety
because of what they want from me
I became someone I don’t know
they made me realize that I didn’t know who I was beforehand
but letting go of my pasts
my pain
they want me to let go of everything I care about
showing me that I am nothing
for I really am nothing without them
for I am just part of something
that I am fighting for something in vain
that fighting against them will do nothing
something I realized is that
without my demons
I can’t see my angels
and I've been fighting both of them for so long
that I lost my way
I don’t know who I am
maybe I should’ve accepted both demons and angels
for I am fighting something in vain
who am I?
honestly
who the fuck am I?
I have lost myself so long ago
that I don’t remember who I was
and I don’t think I want to be that person anymore
who am I really?
losing myself was a part of myself
it was a part of me destroying everything I knew and cared about
it was a part of me knowing
and ignoring everything that might not change in the end
the person I might become in the future
is someone unexpected
yet I'll accept their flaws of what more life I've been through
I'll accept the surprises that will come with it
I want to love myself
who am I though?
why is this person who’s so lost
destroying everything that was built
yet I’m letting them do it?
why am I accepting the fact that they might know me better
than I know myself
maybe I let them because for once in my life
I know everything is going to be okay in the end
I just want to love myself in the end
if that means that I will go through heaven and hell
just to be the person I might be in the future
then that’s a risk I'm wiling to take
just to be able to find myself and love everything about myself
I love you
I love you
Please let me go
I love you
I love you
don’t go looking for me when I'm gone
I love you
I love you
make sure you pick yourself up after I left
for I am dying
I am going someplace you don’t deserve to be
your innocents weren’t ready for where I went
I love you till the end of time
but I will not let you go down the same path I have went to
Let me go
Let me go
.... Let me go
I am losing control
you are so much better off without me
I'm sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I wish things could have been different
they would have if I wasn’t part of this dying breed
losing you hurt every fiber of my being
please forget about me
forget every little aspect of my being
forget every little moment we had
Just one thing before you completely forget about me
I love you and will continue loving you
I just am not worthy of your love
you were always so above me
one day you’ll forget about me
and maybe I'll come back as someone new
call me by my name
call me a disgrace
tell me what I’m fighting for is for nothing
show me how you actually feel
don't call me by the name that you never called me before
what I was doing for us was for nothing
you wanted to call me out by names that weren’t chosen by me
you picked something that I was insecure about
made it to something I am as a whole
I am not that mistake
i am not that insecurity
I am who I choose to be
but by god
I am not who that used to be
call me a disgrace
for that is the only thing you see in me
I am nothing left
I was the girl you used to love before
the one who let you in
when I couldn't even let myself out fully
for the fear that you’d leave like this
so call me by my name
let me hear the pain
the disgust
call me by my name that i used to have
for the girl you were in love with is gone
call me by my name
for this is who i am now without the memory of this
of us, of you
I wish one day i’ll be able to call your name
I never regretted being with you
when it came down to it
I blamed myself for letting us go to far
you showed me that the world isn’t perfect
that timing isn’t always right with us
that sometimes being drunk
could make the worst decisions in people
how we had to kiss in secret
whenever you kissed me
it felt right even though it was wrong
how we made drunken love
wasn’t part of this
and now we don’t even talk anymore
how I still have to see you on a consistent basis
blaming myself for something we both done
how I might end up pregnant
for a decision we made while drinking
you were my first
I don’t regret any of this
but seeing you
will be the easiest and most heartbreaking thing to see
hey guys! I know some of you won’t read this but eh. sorry if I haven’t been on here like at all the last few months. I've been busy with life in general. life has been crazy
- I am in the process of moving within the next few days
- I quit my job for the fact that I am moving
-hopefully once I get settled over to the new place, I will continue writing and posting as I once was before
-I need to find a new job once I get everything kind of done
I am not a writer
I am a body
that’s simply bleeding out words
that i’ll never be able to speak out loud
you know what i just realized
that i fucking run away from everything that i essentially fear
it’s not that i fear it
it’s just that i don’t want to deal with it
everything that makes me nervous or uncomfortable
would make me want to run
because it’s always been easier for me to do it
i would run away from you if i told you something important
hell i ran away from my dad when i got my first tattoo
at age 20
i’m going to tell him but right now i just want to run
that’s the thing, all my life i would run away from something
i would stay quiet about whatever felt right to me
i would never speak up to someone who was in the same boat as me
i would let someone beat me down
just because i didn’t know what to do besides run away
i ran from everything i cared
never got close to someone because i feared that they would leave
you know what’s worse, most of them did leave at one point or another
everyone makes me nervous
I surprisingly made friends easily
for the fact that my aura lured people in
but a lot of them weren’t the right people for the aura at all
they seemed like the type that would love you then leave you at any moment
while i am the type of person that if i’m close with you
i will protect you
i will be able to stand up and fight
i won’t back down from something if we both believe in something
i would have stayed until the very end
there were males and females that i was fucking scared to speak to
just because i used to like them but i thought i was a disgusting piece of shit
there was only two guys in my whole life that i told them i liked them
you know what happened?
they both rejected me but somehow we’re friends
but one of them
the feeling is so deep that i have to slowly push him away
i don’t want to get hurt by someone... again
he knows i’m slowly pushing him away
he just doesn’t really know about it yet
things will get better one day but for now
i won’t run away from things and accept fate
but for now
it’ll be easier to run
don’t confuse me with someone who you knew back then
don’t tell me I've changed into something completely different
it called, changing throughout time
changing throughout different situations
you knew me when i was starting to progressed with life
you don’t know what i have been through
whether it’s been good or bad
you don’t deserve to be in my life
i’m not afraid to be rejected by you
i am not afraid of being with you
no no nevermind
wait i am afraid
but you’ll never know how much i feel
wait wait
you do know how i feel about you
i don’t care about what happens after
i only care about us now
i only care if you feel safe and happy
wait ugh
but i have to take care of myself before i care for you
because i will not let myself bow to someone
and make them be above myself
shit fuck
i don’t need to make it sound bad
i just want to be able to love myself before i love you
shit no
don’t look at me like that
i don’t love you but i know you wouldn’t feel the same way
you are something different
something that i always liked in a person
but i have to leave you alone
i need to be able to see myself clearly
ugh fuck man
you have such a innocent face but such a devilish smile
you’ve been through something
i could see it in your eyes
no wait
it’s the drugs that are getting to you
i don’t want you to be doing drugs but it’s your life
damnit
i have to leave you alone either way
just to let you know i am not going to stand by you
when the drugs are going to be controlling you
i don’t want to be crying every night
watching you decay right in front of my eyes because of it
i do not want to see your life decay
fuck wait no
i will not be around if you don’t know what drugs are making you do
i will not fall in love with someone
i don’t want to be able to fall in love with someone
that is in a whole other world then me
i don’t want to fall in love with someone who will die in front of me
i will not get hurt by someone who just wants to play games
fuck man
i won’t get hurt again
sorry love, but i won’t be here for long
when that day comes, you will know
you will finally know how much it hurt
when i finally let go
i need to leave you alone
yet here i am writing a fucking poem about you
i am trying so hard to do this
how am i supposed to be able to leave you alone
hen you are the only person i think about
when i fall asleep and when i wake up
the worst of it all is for the fact that you know how i feel about you
and yet you don’t want to be with me
the thing is i don’t care about it
my pride is the only thing that’s hurt
because we both opened up for each other
the thing is also for the fact that we both know that i’m pushing you away
we both know that i can’t be with you
i simply can’t give you everything that ou want and need for life
you are a young rich white boy
or were a rich white boy
while i am just someone who lives in the bad side of town
we might work together but we aren’t the same person
we will never see eye to eye
when life gets bad for me
you’ll never know because you would never see how it is
while i’ll never see you at your worst
baby when the time comes
we both will realize that time wasn’t right for us
it won’t ever happen again
for i will never let you in
i think i lost my halo
my demons are catching up to me
but the god within me
fears the day that i find someone
who would help my demons
instead of saving my grace
oh how much i want my demons to leave
i want to be able to love myself
instead of trying to find someone
who needs to love only a part of me
i want to be able to love all myself
with this soul and all
instead of loving only a part of myself
and hating the rest of me
i want to be able to make myself
fear both god and demons inside of me
i want to be able to destroy everything that i hate
and make myself be as beautiful as i was meant to be
i don’t want to feel hatred
i don’t want to go blindly into something
that might kill me in the end
don’t tell me something when you don’t mean it
show me how you feel instead
let me go
for i am not letting you get in
you weren’t there when i needed you
you weren’t there for me when i needed someone
to hold me while i was crying
you never knew me
you just loved the concept of loving me
even when i told you that i din’t want you
i was able to let you go
look at me now
still stuck with having you around
oh honey how much you knew
for the fact that once one of us goes
i will make sure that i won’t be in your life
boy
you knew better then that
you knew deep down that once i was gone
you will regret it
i feel the fucking abuse
i feel the love
i just can not continue being with you
one way or another
you know
we will hurt each other
but in the end
who’s feelings will end up in a body bag?
baby I never hated you
you just hated yourself so much
that you wanted me to hate you
honey, I loved you from the very start
you wanted me to get away
at the same time you wanted to corrupt me
I wanted to give you my all
we all knew that we somehow played well together
you were something different
you knew that I always have loved you
even though it seemed like everyone else has hated you before
I showed you the light
you showed me something that made me crave darkness
while I showed you something that you have always wanted in life
we both wanted something that has changed the other
how things have changed for the both of us in the end
we both fell in love with two very different things
i’ll walk away from you
while you are lying on the floor
begging for something, anything, to be real
I am dying with these demons that i have feared for so long
that i have lived with for so long
my halo fell when these demons came along
started destroying everything i cared about with myself
they came along when i felt myself crawling back into something
that would ultimately kill me into my own existence
when it came down to you
you made me fear the god within myself
that’s when i slowly started making my demons disappear
when i finally saw you
i told you i think i may have lost my halo
with that you are something i have been waiting for
you were something that will make me believe in myself
make me believe that i could do better for myself
i want to be able to fear the god within myself for you
i want to be able to fear something so bad that i need it
i think i feared you so much that i changed for you
my demons will leave soon enough
i swear i just want to make you proud.
