C

Circle of Fire

In the middle stands me, burning from within

Right by my side is you, overwhelmed with flame, destroyed

The others spread out amongst the circle

Burned to near nothing, third degree, second, first

Some thought far enough to be safe yet still lit up by incendiary sparks

Some merely licked by the tendrils

Some only close enough to feel the fire’s warmth

The rage that burned inside me has been quenched for years

But the ash still remains

I will absolutely need to recurate who I follow because I have been changed by time

Let myself be a little delulu this morning in thinking things that are not about me were about me knowing that the things I don’t want to be about me are about me and that everything I want will never be. But that’s okay because we move. Overall, finding that I did indeed miss tumblr and still feel much more comfortable here than I ever did on twitter. There was just an overwhelming pressure to be socially “hip” for retweets and likes whereas I much prefer to not care about those things but I also knew people could still see them and then it felt bad so I just stopped tweeting altogether. Here it feels like I can say whatever and it will go into the void and that’s just fine with me.

Forever guilty. It does not matter how deeply steeped in mental illness and missed diagnoses and truly the numerous psychotic breaks I was having all at once. How I was blacked out from rage or splitting or whatever and could not even tell you in the next 10 minutes when all was calm what just happened or what I said. How when I read the old messages I do not know the person who left those but sadly they inhabited my body and scared away everybody I ever loved. To be near me was to be in danger. And I, being the closest of all, was walking through life in a literal constant state of defying death.

Here I sit, 3.5 years clean. Happier, MUCH happier. Able to be alone, enjoying being alone, no longer fearing the monster in my head telling me to die because that monster died 3.5 years ago. That monster was born out of the absence of home, of family, of love. And its grave is sealed with cement. Yet, I will never have their love again. I will forever bear the burden of the terrible things I did, forever in pain, forever guilty.