I know that the young Han Solo movie(s) will probably cover things like Han freeing Chewie, winning the Millennium Falcon from Lando, and making the Kessel run, but honestly what I want is an Always Sunny-like black comedy about him, Lando, and Chewie partaking in a series of increasingly bizarre and morally dubious get-rich-quick scheme because that’s genuinely what I see him doing before that fateful day in the cantina.

The moment before the cut to the title card: “Let me tell you, the one guy you should never rip off is Jabba the Hutt”

A brief thought on "humans" as a fantasy RPG race

It’s usually done so humans are presented as “average”. In my conception, humans are the daredevils. The one thing a human loves more than watching another human do something horribly unsafe is doing something unsafe themselves.

It’s said that the stout and serious dwarves invented the first staircase, but it was a human who came up with the idea of surfing down the staircase on an oaken shield.

Elves have lived in the great Hometree overlooking the Mother River for untold ages. It was a human who first had the idea to jump out of the tree and into the river.

That’s the other thing - dwarves are stout and hardy, but like the stone they came from, once they break, they’re broken. Humans recover impossibly fast by the standards of other races. They’re also the first ones to get up after an explosion or cave-in, with a cheerful “I’m okay!” They can’t take as much as a dwarf, but nobody beats humans at getting back up again and again and again for more punishment.

The Hobbits appreciate Human vigor, their good cheer, and certainly their lusty appetite for food and drink, but the utter glee with which humans will attempt to harm themselves or their fellows in a misguided attempt at “fun” is horrifying. Their rituals and celebration - they let themselves be charged by bulls! - are seen as a testament to human ingenuity, creativity, and utter lack of good sense.

The humans who are most highly regarded by their peers are those who excel at SOMETHING. Dancing, throwing, singing, fighting - humans love watching other humans be excellent at things, even something otherwise pointless and wasteful, like throwing knitting needles into melons.

They are, to a fault, resilient. No Elves would DARE return to a failed settlement. The land is cursed and the dead walk there. Humans will rebuild the same castle over again with the same standing stones.

TL;DR - only humans would invent the X-Games.

Humans are Weird: Fantasy Edition

dwarf: my heart is strong as a mountain

elf: to hear the song of the trees you must cultivate stillness

hobbit: when you get right down to it, there’s no place like home

human: HOLD MY BEER

John Mulaney | The Salt & Pepper Diner

THE BEST JOKE IN EXISTENCE

GOD I JUST TOLD SOMEONE ABOUT THIS STORY

This is one of the best pieces of comedy that I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing. I love this. I have been looking for this online for awhile.

[Audio transcription: I wanted to tell you one story. Uh. This is the story of the best meal I’ve ever had in my life, okay. Happened when I was eleven years old in Chicago, IL where I grew up. I went to a place called the Salt & Pepper Diner, uh, with my best friend John. We walk into the diner one day, and they had a jukebox there, okay? And the jukebox was three plays for a dollar. So we put in 7 dollars and selected 21 plays of of Tom Jones’s What’s New Pussycat. And then we ordered and waited. 

Here’s the thing about when, uh, What’s New Pussycat plays over and over and over and over and over again. The second time it plays, your immediate thought is not ‘hey someone’s playing What’s New Pussycat again.’ It’s ‘hey, What’s New Pussycat is a lot longer than I first thought. The third time it plays you’re thinking maybe someone’s playing What’s New Pussycat again. The fourth time it plays you’re either thinking ‘whoa someone just played What’s New Pussycat FOUR TIMES or at least someone played it twice, and it’s a really long song.’ So the fifth time is the kicker, alright? 

Now, John and I we’re watching the entire diner at this point, alright? Most people have gotten wind as to what’s going on. And we’re staring at this one guy and he’s sitting in like a booth with his stupid kids jumping around, and he’s like staring at his coffee cup like this, and he’s been onto us since the beginning. And he’s sitting there, and his hand is shaking, and he had this look on his face like, aw, like he had just gotten his thirty day chip from anger management. And he’s staring like this, and the fourth song fades out. It’s dead quiet. Then, I don’t know if you know this, but the song begins very quietly…

BWAAAH BWAAAAAH WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT and he goes GOD DAMN IT and pounds on the table, silverware flies everywhere, and it was fantastic. But a word about my best friend John and what a genius he was because when we first walked into the diner, okay? When we first got there and I’m punching in the What’s New Pussycats alright? I’ve punched in like 7 at this point then John says to me ‘hey hey hey before you punch in another What’s New Pussycat let’s drop in one It’s Not Unusual.’

Oh yes. That is when the afternoon went from good to great. After seven What’s New Pussycats. In a row - It played seven times. Suddenly - Dum da dum, IT’S NOT UNUSUAL and the sigh of relief that swept through the diner. People were so happy. It was like the liberation of France. You know for years scientists have wondered can you make grown men and women weep tears of joy by playing Tom Jones’s It’s Not Unusual and the answer is yes you can. Provided that it is preceded by seven What’s New Pussycats. It’s true. Dead honest.

And on the other hand. When we went back. Holy shit. It’s Not Unusual fade out. It’s dead quiet. BWAAAH BWAAAAH WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT people went insane. People went out of their minds. No one could handle it. No one could handle it. And they were surrounded by this seemingly indifferent staff that was just like ‘yup some crap as always.’ 

They unplugged the jukebox after eleven plays. And that was the best meal I ever had.]

reblogging again coz this time it has audio transcription (bless you) and it’s still forever hilarious omg

(via My favorite D&D story)

Originally posted by lilsparrow72

i’m not crying YOU’RE CRYING

Things That Happened On My First Day At Target

-Sold lingerie to an eighty year old woman

-Got a free salted caramel frappacino from the suspectedly gay barista, Parker

-Sold a bra to the mom of a sixteen year old girl who was cringing the entire time

-Had a very engaging conversation with a three year old boy about colors. We both like blue.

-Served an old woman who I thought had an impressive mustache, but it was just nose hair

-Watched her and two other women with her get trapped between two sets of automatic doors because they did not understand how to open them. How they got through the first set, I still do not know.

-Sold fifteen gallons of kitty litter to a soccer mom who refused to break eye contact

-Got a second free starbucks drink. This one was a pumpkin pie one that wasn’t even on the menu. I like this barista man.

-Gave dozens of children stickers. Several of them squealed when they got them. This is the best part of my job.

-Sold an old man $200 of furniture and got him to sign up for a Target credit card. Before he finished the last step, he turned and walked away with his cart without a word.

-He still hadn’t paid. I called him back and he apologized, saying “sorry, sometimes my diabetes makes me do that.” He didn’t finish getting the card.

-A woman came up with $220 of items. After a wad of coupons and a stack of free gift cards from other promotions, her total went down to $55. I want her to teach me. 

-Saw a girl skipping down the aisle in what can only be described as a pink princess fairy wedding dress. She was filled with happiness and if I hadn’t been on the clock I would have taken her. At the very least, I want that outfit for my own.

-Got approached by a large man named Jason. He told me not to steal. I will take this advice to heart. 

-Met a woman referred to only as The Cat Lady. She asked if I wanted her to buy me a keychain from Ross. I told her I had no keys. She nodded solemnly and walked away, whispering their exact location inside Ross, just in case.

-Got called into the HR Head’s office at the end of my shift. I was expecting to be yelled at for some reason. She and another lead showered me in compliments for ten minutes straight, saying a lot of managers had been saying great things about me all day. Not what I expected, but I’ll take it.

Day Two:

-Intimidating farmer man in overalls and pigtails came through my checkout. He bought a bucket. He spoke no words. He made no eye contact. He left me with questions.

-Three college boys came through, each buying spandex and makeup wipes. They spoke no words. They made too much eye contact. They left me with more questions. I question when this job will provide answers.

-A three year old came through, pushed by his personal chauffeur. He bought one small Spider-Man onesie. He carried out the entire transaction on his own. He was the most polite customer I have had so far.

-Three people walked away without their change. Only two returned.

-A man bought thirty light bulbs with a coupon. He told me he did not need thirty light bulbs. He just likes coupons.

-He then walked to customer service, claiming to have returned several things he did not mean to. He then walked a lap around the store and left. He did not leave the store with his light bulbs. They were nowhere to be found.

-A customer came through looking nervous. She leaned over the counter. She whispered to me. Someone had pooped in the baby supplies aisle. All evidence pointed to it not being a baby.  

Day Three:

-Two children came through the line. They were chanting to their mom through heavy streams of tears. “WE WANT STICKERS MOMMY.”  There were no stickers at any of the registers. They continued crying. I failed my people.

-An old woman bought five bottles of wine and a large bottle of vodka. Her license told me she had lived through World War II. Her smile told me she was still living.

-I sorted through the candy in the checkout lanes. I was meant to set aside candy that had expired in the last month. A box of Kit Kats was found that had expired in February of 2015. One was missing. I hope the poor sap is okay.

-Clearance school supplies have arrived. A man bought 71 spiral notebooks for $6. A woman bought 110 folders for $4. I hope they meet each other. I would like to see the child of two math problem characters.

-A bearded man named Rusty came through. I sold him a bottle of Crystal Light powder and a gallon of water. The powder was empty. The water jug had an inch of pink water left in it. How long has he been inside the store already. His beard intimidated me too much to ask.

-An elderly man in a fedora pushed two full carts into my lane. They were both filled to the brim. He bought 52 12-packs of Mountain Dew. 12 were diet. He repeatedly told me he was 80 years old. As I handed him his receipt, he leaned in and whispered, “I’m going to get DRUNK.” He pointed at his carts, smiled at me, and scurried away with his definitively alcoholic purchase. I wonder if he knows. I wonder if he cares.

Day Four:

-The store is having a 10% off your entire purchase sale. I have a coupon to scan if anyone asks for it. I scan it if people don’t ask for it if they’re nice to me. I don’t scan it if they’re rude. Power is a new sensation. Power is a good sensation.

- Because of the sale, we have been flooded with guests itching for a bargain. When I need to go on my break, the manager has to stand in front of the line and tell people to go somewhere else. As the line died down, I prepared to leave. A new wave of people approached. She whispered to me “run as soon as you can.” I did not see her after my break.

-An old man comes through the line and loudly announces that “this is a cash thing. No cards!” His clarity is appreciated, but also questioned. 

-A young man follows him. He jokes, “this is a card thing. No cash!” His smile shows he was a kind man. His joke shows he was a dad. 

-A confused teenager follows after.  He whispers, “……….cash”. He thinks he has to announce his payment type. I do not correct him. 

-Children continue to handle their own transactions. This makes my day good. One girl had her own wallet and told me “thank you for your help, sir”. This makes my day great.

- Five hours into my shift, I discover small figurines of Bambi and Pluto behind my register screen. Knowing that I am experiencing the happiest place on earth for a bargain price is nice.

-A customer purchased hard salami. The store sells a product called hard salami. How anyone can work or shop here with a straight face remains beyond me.

-A small girl waits in the cart as her mother pays for her transaction. She decides she had enough. She shouts, “Let me out of here!” She attempts to leave the cart. She realizes the walls are too tall. She sits down and accepts her fate with a shocking level of grace.

-A grown man sees a coloring book on a shelf. He calls after his wife, who has already walked away. “There’s a coloring book here. This is just pitiful.” No one has any response for this.

-I met a man who looked like Harry Potter if, instead of getting out of the cupboard at age eleven, he stayed in there for fifteen more years with nothing but Red Bull and My Chemical Romance albums.

-A woman gets 69 cents back in change. I know that I will likely get reprimanded if I make a 69 joke to a customer. I do not speak to the customer any further. I am trying to decide if it is worth losing my job or not.

-A little girl in basketball shorts kicks the candy rack multiple times. I expect her to turn around and show that she is throwing a fit. Instead, she seems calm and please. She is having the time of her life. I look forward to seeing where life takes her.

-A child in my lane gets a toy. A child in the next lane yells at him for having a toy when he does not. Toy-having child prepares to throw the toy at toy-lacking child. Parents pick up their respective children. Thus ends the Baby Feud of 2016.

Day Five:

-I open my register. An octogenarian woman approaches. She purchases bras and lingerie. I cry on the inside. It is too early for these images.

-A small girl helped me put her parents bags into their cart. Every time I hand her a bag, she digs through it, announcing which things are hers and which are her parents, and putting her parents’ items in the cart without the bag. They did not earn the bag and she treats them accordingly.

-A group of old people came on a field trip to Target and spent ten minutes discussing the new Jungle Book movie before buying a copy. Their reviews were overwhelmingly positive and gleeful.

-The DVD ran $18.94. The group banded together, pulling out every coin they could find to ensure they gave me exact change. They must have had ten dollars in coins between them. The strength of their teamwork inspired me. The depth of their pockets confounded me.

-A fly flew directly into my nostril before bouncing around and making a swift exit. I was more impressed by its aim than bothered by its decisions.

-A woman seemingly stepped out of the 19th century prairie to purchase a frappucino. I think her dress was handmade. Her head scarf still had a price tag. 

-An old couple came through my lane to purchase gardening tools. Anytime one of them turned their back to the other, they would be tickled without warning or mercy. I believe I have just had a glimpse into my future.

-A very angry old man pulled two full carts through. He purchased a Twix bar, a bottle of Diet Pepsi, 36 pairs of underwear, and 262 adult diapers. I believe I have just had another glimpse into my future.

REBLOG IF YOU'RE THE FAMILY DISAPPOINTMENT.

Only dads will remember this

When modern media wants a group of baddies to look badass, it’ll often borrow design elements from Nazi uniforms. It’s not hard to understand why; the Nazis famously had their uniforms designed by professional fashion designers, including runway mogul Hugo Boss, and it worked wonderfully in terms of giving Nazi troops a stylish and intimidating public image.

What’s less well known, however, is how ridiculously terrible those uniforms were for any purpose other than looking smart.

Let me give you an example: suspenders. Back in the 1930s, the modern tactical harness hadn’t yet been developed. Instead, soldiers would wear a sturdy pair of leather suspenders in order to help distribute the weight of their ammo belts (which could be substantial - bullets aren’t light!). Hitler didn’t care for that - he thought it would make his troops look like farmers. Instead, he commissioned his uniform designers to come up with a complicated system of internal suspenders that could be worn under the uniform jacket, with metal hooks projecting from special holes near the jacket’s waistline. The idea was that the ammo belt would rest on the hooks, thus allowing it to be supported without disrupting the jacket’s clean lines.

The problem? The system’s designers, being accustomed to crafting for the runway, had completely overlooked that soldiers sometimes need to move quickly. At any pace quicker than a brisk walk, the ammo belt would bounce off of the hooks and slide down the wearer’s torso, often tripping him in the process. Worse, news of the issue didn’t filter back to the high command until the uniforms had already been widely distributed, so it was impossible to fix in an economical fashion. The Nazi troops eventually resorted to wearing external suspenders over the internal suspenders in order to keep their ammo belts in place, thus entirely defeating the purpose.

Then there are the cold-weather jackets, made infamous by the Nazis’ disastrous Winter Campaign against Russia in 1941-1942. At the time, the standard cold-weather jacket in use by most armies consisted of heavy quilted fabric stuffed with torn-up cotton. Hitler didn’t like that at all; in his opinion, it made it look like his troops were wearing blankets. So he had each soldier issued an individually tailored winter jacket made of suit-grade fabric and lined with fur (sourced from civilian clothing seized from death camp inmates, because of course it was).

You can probably guess where this is going. Predictably to anyone who’s not a Nazi fashion designer, the fine fabric of the jackets wasn’t tightly woven enough to stop the wind. The fur, meanwhile, harboured lice and fleas, stank abominably when wet, and was impossible to launder in the field. They’d managed to issue their troops dry clean only winter apparel, in a campaign that would send them far from their supply lines. That the weather ended up killing more Nazis than the Russian army should thus come as no surprise.

And these aren’t outliers. Virtually every element of the Nazi uniform made up for its smart styling by being ridiculously impractical. The officers often had it worst of all; their uniforms were expertly tailored to make their builds look trim and powerful, at the cost of being stuffy, uncomfortable, and difficult to move around it. Indeed, some officers’ uniforms were so smartly tailored that they couldn’t sit down without taking their pants off. Yeah, let that image roll around in your head for a moment or two.

The upshot is that whenever I see baddies in a movie or a TV show with clearly Nazi-inspired uniforms, my first thought is less “whoa, badass!” and more “these men are about to be murdered by their own trousers”.

There is some deeply undignified part of my soul that is taking deep and abiding comfort in this.

Wait a second, am I tripping balls?

HELP I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING

Sometimes life is just beautiful.

May you never be forgotten, magical forest accordion man

here come dat boi

Why is he playing Legend of Zelda music?

Probably Humboldt