I would be the worst spy of all time because on one hand I overshare like hell, but on the other hand I also have THE shittiest memory so it’s really a lose/lose scenario for everyone involved.

guy interrogating me: What’s the passcode?

me: Ah fuck. I think it might be 792.....4?

me: Actually no I think it starts with a 2.

me:

me: Yeah I usually just rely on muscle memory for it. Do you think you could get a keypad in here? That might be faster.

guy interrogating me: who do you work for?!

me: Okay, so this is super embarrassing. I know he told me his name when we first met but I forgot and at this point it would be weird if I asked him for his name again, right? So I just kind of go with “sir” whenever I have to talk to him. It might be David though. He looks like a David.

me, after being extracted: bad news guys, I totally blew Dave’s cover.

my boss: Wait, what?

me: Yeah, like they had knives and shit and it was kind of stressful so I just told them that my contact’s name was David Johnson. Really sorry about that.

boss: We don’t have a David Johnson working for us. Are you thinking of James?

me: 

me: Good news, guys, I did not blow James’ cover!

Enemy 1: So, how did the interrogation go?

Enemy 2: We got nothing. All they did was ramble on about their childhood trauma for two hours.

Enemy 1: Hmm. maybe lower the dose of the truth serum next time.

Enemy 2: We didn’t use truth serum.

Saw someone mention the new Boston Dynamics' robot was introduced like a Souls boss. Was not expecting it to come out so creepy.

what the fuck somebody edit a health bar over this im at work

oh my god you said heaLth bar..

GIRL

Gandalf thinks if he moves super slowly, I’ll let him sit in between me and my laptop

These fox skulls I got from this dude on eBay are so greasy I'm convinced that he put extra grease on them. I think he Criscoed these bad boys.

STOP LAUGHING AT ME THEY'RE SO GREASY I WAS PROMISED NO GREASE

1.) I KNOW how greasy animal skulls are before you clean em. He just said he was gonna degrease these, is why I'm so upset by the grease.

2.) They were shipped all together loosey goosey in a Save A Lot bag that was

3.) PACKED IN LOOSE OWEN CORNINGS FIBERGLASS INSULATION.

And when I messaged him about it, he was like, "You're insane, man, these bones aren't even that greasy at all and customers all around the world love me for my fiberglass insulation."

Not trying to start drama in the eBay packing materials fandom again, but why were THESE shipped to me in hospital scrubs???

Prescription bottle full of teeth in the mail yesterday. It never fucking ends.

I think you're just buying a lot of stuff from one tired medical assistant who had to re-insulate his house

I love it so much when cartoon villains are like, "horrid greetings, your vile wretchedness," or "foul morning," "disgusting evening," "wicked nightmares," "sleep abominably, and bite the bed-bugs back" instead of normal salutations

Tried to design a character who wears her Health-bar and Mana-bar as stockings <3

health bars with little offset delayed bars as health is subtracted are one of the subtler and finer tricks in modern game design.

this is WAAAAY cute

So when you K.O. her, you knock her socks off?

I need this in my life

Hey so I was curious about the artist and went to their blog only to see they stopped posting in 2018, but if you scroll a smidge you see they were creative director of this game:

So I went digging. “They must have a twitter” AND BOY DO THEY LOOK WHAT THEY HAVE COMING OUT MAY 9TH

Crow Country is the name (obviously)

something got fucked in these subtitles but im into it

and this one lol

are you in a good headspace to receive my triple barrage hell nightmare skeleton attack right now.

its ok if nows not a good time

Tumblr Code.

If I ever see any of you in public, the code is horrifying weapon attack

The response will be collapsing into a bloody heap!

must keep reblogering!! Im going to be so suspicious if any one fells me with a single wicked blow now!

Will do, buckaroo. Although, I have no idea how old this post is sooo

oh wow I haven't seen this post in years. how did people find it again? back when I wrote that, I was still a beautiful young maiden of marrying age...

op wasn't this written 3 days ago

time sure flies, huh? those days feel like forever ago. I mean, it's like I'm a completely different person, I don't know what to say. I can still remember sitting by the lake, tracing reeds across the water's surface and promising that those beautiful days of summer would last forever...

(original post)

shrek is 15 years old today

shrek is 16 years old today

Shrek is 17 years old today

Shrek is 18 years old today

Shrek is 19 years old today

Shrek is 20 years old today

Shrek is 21 years old today

shrek is 22 years old today

shrek is 23 years old today

transcription by @jub3r7

"This is getting ridiculous now. Where did you find this contraption? How did you build it? You're not really rolling them straight :/ I'm not sure I like this at all, I don't like the noise. See what's the point! That didn't break with the contraption, so it doesn't coun- I liked that one. That one was neat and clean. It was a clean break. Don't like the noise - she was with chil- you're BEATING the child! It's just sick. It's twisted - HE was with child. Okay. Something about this is... where are these children coming from? Seems unnecessary that they're all pregnant. Just straight beating that Pepsi and their plastic. I don't like this - it's SADISTIC. This is sadistic. I don't - they're SPRITZING me!" *from other video, a man's voice, vaguely sounding like a moan: oooooooooh. oohhhh* lady: "I'm sorry. What was that?" *last bottle falls* (with disappointment) "No."

Uni's magical Mario Galaxy adventure..

this genuinely made me so happy