Stuck Off The Realness

Me, being single af : enjoying the remix :

me listening to the first dance remix right now

MEEEEE

LMAOOOOOOOOO

no but seriously one time i ordered something from adam & eve (surprise a big ol dildo) and the order said discreet shipping and i was like cool ya know cause i lived with three dudes in an apartment and also had to go to the apartment office to pick up my package so discreet is dope and i got the package delivery notification like sick im about to dick myself so i walked my happy horny ass down to the office and told the lady my name and she went into the package delivery room to grab it and it took her a minute and she came out with a dick shaped bag just grasping the shaft of it and i looked at it mortified and had to grab the balls part of the package from the woman and she let go and it just wiggled and i could feel the squish through the bag and it was just horrible

If it’s any consolation, I get it. I’m a trans guy who wears a packer. One day I was in the restroom and pulled my pants down. I really had to go so I did it fast and the magnet clip came undone and my dick flopped out of my boxers and bounced into the stall next to me.

The OCCUPIED stall next to me.

I wanted to die. There was this horrible forever silence moments. Then the dude just goes, “Uh, you dropped your dick man,” and nudges it over with his foot.

“You dropped your dick man”

man 2008 had some bangers!!!!!!

there was a financial crisis

sorry i was like 11 i only remember the bangers 

Trevor Noah IS a treasure.

Me practicing this housewife thing for when I drop out of uni

Hey so I just feel the need to add this. NEVER deep fry in a shallow pot. What happened here is this person put frozen fries in hot oil, and the hot oil will nearly double in size when you drop something cold in it. Then it overflows out of the pot and you have a grease fire. You should never have oil more than about a third of the way up the pot.

Reblogging because even I didn’t officially know this.

the prophecy has read true

on all levels except physical, i am a little heart shaped candy that says “i’m all yours!” 

How does this even happen

Platonic Kisses Are Important

Platonic? We had sex later that same day.

“Platonic”

Two guys in the car, no space apart because they are gay.

Martin Jerez in the Call Me Daddy sweatshirt

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megachurch pastors: i will see you all in heaven!

God: