on repeat

drowning out sounds

its one of those nights that has amalgamated itself into an overcast of negativity. you run away from a thought for so long only to get tired and have it catch up to you. you try to look for a silver lining but are overwhelmed with the shadow that covers the light. its just one of those days… i try to stay positive because depression and i have had history before; but, i am human after all. I'm so used to being verbal, i can't help but feel somewhere along the lines, its affected my way of talking with other people too. this has become one of my problems tonight. even when other people have problems, my spiritual self is so verbose that it is overwhelming for the other person. i wonder if it either helps out their problem or if its because I've flooded their thoughts with my own. in addition, nights like tonight where i needed to hear other people talk… just a soul… i needed someone else’s thoughts, their mere existence to have its presence in mine tonight to feel - not so isolated. alas, not a soul cared to share much with me today, but, its understandable, everyone is busy with their own lives. by the end of today, one word answers was what i deserved. “how are you? fine. whatcha watching? youtube. hows your day been? good. whatcha doing? stuff.” instead of pressing on, i stopped. i don't want to bother… I've had many times where all i needed to do, was stay quiet. even when other people have had issues, all i ever do is let my mouth run and i forget to listen. tonight was one of those nights i needed to listen to someone else but myself. i should start learning to be more - receptive.

its an endless cycle of guilt on days like this: burdening someone with my problems, feeling like i always over talk to people, being stuck in my professional life. i see my friends online accomplish their dreams, have children. literally, I've had two friends, who have had children this week: one yesterday, and the other the day before. how beautiful! but also, a reality check. you can't help but compare yourself to whats going on “on Facebook”. its unavoidable. I've been so tired of being compared with other people but i can't stop myself in moments like this from comparing myself. i can't help but feel stuck - and i hate it. i don't love being stuck in a negative place like this, but tonight, as much as I've tried to be positive, i can't help but feel tired and submissive. 

in addition to a nonstop cycle, family issues are relentless. “I'm always wrong no matter what.” if i was to ever have a plaque hung above my door, it would be that statement. no matter what issue it is, I'm wrong. I'm always wrong. if i were to write that repeatedly over and over until i felt the words have no meaning, i could write for eternity. just now, i tried having romel sleep on his own tonight because my parent’s room was locked it was way past his bed time. i tried having him sleep on his own in my old room but i knew there would be insecurities because he’s grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle. No matter how much reassurance i could give him, its always in vain when my parents come in. they arrive from work after a good amount of time and see him resting in my old room. they tell him to come and sleep in their room but i try to explain he needs to sleep in his own room. for one, he's getting older and should be sleeping by himself already and two, having your own room has a lot of benefits. i slept with my parents till i was 12 only because my old house had one bedroom. two beds: one for my sister and the other for me and my parents. when we moved into our new house, i started out with my own room. it was weird initially but now i can't see myself ever sleeping in the same bed as them. of course, no matter how many times i explained that to them, they kept making excuses like that room smells, he wont be able to sleep their because its scary, he doesn't want to sleep there. when i continued to explain that he needs to start growing up, my mom resorts to her trump card and complains to my dad who has and endless vice against me. so not only does it alienate me further away from my parents, especially my dad but it makes me look like a bad guy for romel. I'm…. always…. wrong….

even now, it seems really empty in my room. I've made an effort for dialogue… but no use. i try to push forward, only to be pushed back, i try to help, but what do i know… tonight, you win. I'm tired and I've tried drowning out the negativity but tonight… you win.

tomorrow brings new hope

speechless

its difficult finding the right words to say when it comes to a very sensitive situation… your heart is in the right place but you're unable to just find the right combinations of words to alleviate a tough time. it seems unfathomable that one cannot seem to make even just one sentence, considering the nigh infinite amount of combinations of words we could make in the english language; but, there is always that situation where you're just with nothing - and in those moments, helplessness ensues. what a spiraling progression downward, despite the benevolence of your intent, that just enraptures your entire being. you type something, only to erase it again. you open your mouth just to utter whispered attempts of what you thought was fitting to say. i don't even know. i want to help, help is what the world needs most times… but don't you ever feel like you can't help with everything? my mind is searing with information because of a reading assignment i procrastinated on of course, but in lieu of focusing on retaining information, i can't help but feel i let her down. that she's now sleeping with an unrested soul and i couldn't do anything about it

holy shyet I'm bored

1. Last kiss: Madelaine

2. Last phone call: my mom

3. Last text message: from Madelaine

4. Last song you listened to: blues traveler - hook

5. Last time you cried: Last week

HAVE YOU EVER: 6. Dated someone twice: no

7. Been cheated on: hell no

8. Kissed someone &regretted it: my cousin XP

9. Lost someone special: yes

10. Been depressed: Yes

11. Been drunk and threw up: Yes. lmao

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made a new friend:  Yes.

17. Laughed until you cried: yes? i think

18. Met someone who changed you: Yes.

19. Found out who your true friends were: Yes.

20. Found out someone was talking about you: Yes.

26. What did you do for your last Birthday: body boarding at ventura and then sushi and then a game of mini golf :D

27. What time did you wake up today: at first, 5, then 6:30

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: to be alone with my gf. just simple alone time

30. Last time you saw your all of your siblings at the same time: they're in my house right now

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i'd have a career by now with ample money to have a house of my own to share with Madelaine

32. What are you listening to right now: the ambiance of my boredom

34. Who’s getting on your nerves right now: people

35. Most visited webpage: porn sites XP jk, youtube

36. Favorite colour: red

37. Nicknames: mymy, draga mea, stupid XP

38. Relationship Status: happily in love

39. Zodiac sign: leo

40. Male or female:

male

41. Primary school: west coast university

42. Secondary School: fuck i don't want another school

43. High school/college: bravo hs/ coc

44. Eye color: Brown.

46. Height: tall-ish

47. Do you have a crush on someone:

no but I'm in love

48. What do you like about yourself:

I've dealt with so much shyet before, i know its made me stronger

49. Piercings: Ears.

50. Tattoos: I wish.

51. Righty or lefty: Righty.

FIRSTS: 53. First piercing: Ears.

54. First best friend: michael f

55. First hookup: don't have hookups

56. First Bestfriend asked that already

RIGHT NOW: 59. Eating: away at this survey XP

60. Drinking: Nothing.

61. I’m about to: fart

62. Listening to: blues traveler - hook

63. Waiting for: the weekend!

YOUR FUTURE: 64. Want kids? Yes.

65. Get married? of course

66. Career: DNP

WHICH IS BETTER: 67. Lips or eyes: Eyes.

68. Hugs or kisses Kisses. 

69. Shorter or taller: Taller.

70. Older or Younger: younger

71. Romantic or spontaneous: Both.

72. Nice stomach or nice arms: both… i want a nice - everything XP

73. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive.

74. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship.

HAVE YOU EVER: 76. Kissed a stranger:  no

77. Drank hard liquor: Yes.

78. Lost glasses/contacts: Yes.

79. Had sex: yes

80. Broken someone’s heart: Yes…

82. Been arrested: Nope.

83. Turned someone down: Yes

84. Cried when someone died:

of course

85. Fallen for a friend: :D yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 86. Yourself:  everyday

87. Miracles: Yes.

88. Love at first sight: No.

89. Heaven: yes

90. Santa Clause: no

91. Kiss on the first date: depends XP i don't think I'm ever going to have another "first" date XP

92. Angels: yes

93. How would you label yourself? sponciteoutfriendous :D

94. Someone You Pray Everyday For: my family, Madelaine's family, Madelaine and i

95. Did you sing today:  of course

96. Who From All Your Ex’s have You Cared The Most About: never had any

97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go? to 2nd grade… and then again at 8th grade

98. Out Of Everything In The World What Do You Wish For: just to have a beautiful place where i could be alone with the woman i love

99. Are you afraid of falling in love? No.

100. Do you like the way you look? Yes… i guarantee it XP

hooplah

A. What are your favourite smells? vanilla, chocolate, fresh scents, french fries :D

B. Can you go a whole day without caffeine? yup

C. Who knows more about you than anyone else? my gf

D. What song did you last listen to? shame on a nigga - system of a down and wu tang clan XP don't ask

E. Do you have a crush on anybody? I'm in love with someone <3

F. Do you like The Beatles? hehe the relationship I'm in would be an awkward one if i didnt XP

G. If you could choose one color to wear for a whole year, what color would you choose? honestly, like a navy blue.

H. Do you cook often? as often as i can

I. What was the last film you watched? Did you like it? drunken master. hell yeah, one of my favorite jackie chan films

J. Can you sew?nope XP

K. What is your favorite fruit? apples

L. Are you health conscious? i try to be

M. Go do the Kinsey scale test, what number result did you receive? i got a 0 (exclusively heterosexual)

N. Do you curse a lot? not often but i do

O. When was the last time you had a pint of beer? not sure if it was a pint worthy but monday

P. Are you pro life or pro choice? pro choice. because you can always choose to be pro life if you want :D

Q. Is there a certain food you often crave for no reason? french fries

R. What was the last book you purchased? my school books XP if not, then a book by kate morton for my gf

S. Where was your last vacation? this past winter to vegas with my gf :D

T. Do you shave your pits? nope XP

U. Did you ever play seven minutes in heaven? no

V. Girls, when was the last time you went out without a bra? today ;) haha

W. Guys, when was the last time you went shirtless in public? today if you consider me walking to my car in just my skivvies XP

X. Have you ever broken a bone? If so, how did it happen? i don't think i have

Y. How do you like your eggs? scrambled typically

Z. What was your last argument about and who with? my sister, if not my mom

because life is BOLD XP

I have driven a manual/stick shift car. I have gotten so drunk I passed out. I have smoked more than ten cigarettes in a day. I have worn a bikini/speedos on the beach. I have kissed someone I shouldn’t have. I have had a conversation with a celebrity. I have done drugs. I have been to Paris. I have been to LA. I have been to New York. I have been to London. I have been to Rome. I have been to Madrid. I have been to Tokyo.

I have friends who I am attracted to. I have friends who are attracted to me. I have friends who do hard drugs. I have friends who have been to jail. I have friends who are old enough to be my parents. I have friends who are married. I have friends who have children of their own. I have friends who work in finance/business. I have friends who are chefs/bakers/butchers etc. I have friends who are actors/musicicans/famous. I have friends who are artists. I have friends who live more than 500 miles away. I have friends who have seen me naked. I have friends who have never seen me without makeup.

damn, that last section XP

thats right… I'm bored

1. Are you a very open or private person? both

2. What is your favourite Christmas movie? well ever since last christmas, its now the christmas story :D before that, i never had any XP

3. When did you stop believing in Santa? who said i did XP haha jk, i think it was 1995 when i didnt get a virtual boy console for christmas. now knowing the eye damage it caused, maybe santa was looking out for me XP

4. What do you get complimented on the most? my kind personality. and i guess my ass too for some reason

5. How are you feeling right now? listless and languid

6. If money was no object, where would you move to? my own personal island

7. Who was the last person to make you cry? my girlfriend, but in a happy way :)

8. Did you make any resolutions for this year? What were they? i don't remember making any

9. Is there a song which can bring you to tears instantly? i don't know… depends. when i was listening to marry me - bruno mars, i felt pretty happy i could cry :D

10. Who was the last person you talked about sex with? my gf

11. How did you bring in the New Year? with my gf at her sister's husband's parent's house :D qwelf, mario kart, and good times

12. Have you ever online dated? hell no

13. Post a screen shot of your Twitter “Interactions” page. no

14. Click on the messages tab on Facebook, post a screen shot (erase surnames for safety). no

15. Post a screenshot of your tumblr activity page. uhhh  no

16. Do you believe in soul mates? i do :)

17. Do you play video games? if you want to call it that. i did spend 5 to 6 hours doing that while trying to get this day over with

18. What age do people usually mistake you for? 27

19. What or whom do you miss right now? i miss my gf and just being alone with her

20. What perfume do you wear? eau de smella real good by mann XP

emit llik ot yevrus XP

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? romel :) my sweetest nephew

2. Are you outgoing or shy? depends on the situation XP sometimes I'm outgoing to mask my shyness O.o

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? my beautiful and oh so wonderful girlfriend tomorrow :D

4. Are you easy to get along with? i think so. I'm awfully quiet initially though XP 

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? hehe of course :D I'm not sure about if i was shyet-faced drunk… naw actually, she would still be there for me if i vomitted  and passed out XP cause thats true love XD haha

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? witty goobers

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? i do :)

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? my girlfriend

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? hell no :D unless its that weird bizarre kinky sex; then yes XP 

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? My sister

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? i hope you're doing alright love. i love you so much :* <3 <3

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? rhythm of love - plain white t's

eminem - headlights

nujabes - mystline

nujabes - luv sic modal soul

nujabes - luv sic 3

kristin bell - do you wanna build a snowman :D

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? i do :D albeit it being really short right now

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? i do, but the cheesy christian in me believes in blessings more

15. What good thing happened this summer? well last summer, my folks got me boogie boards for my birthday. my girlfriend and i learned how to ride and did that often in the summer :)

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? over and over and over again <3

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? yes. can't wait for the green kingdom XP

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? not anymore but i know we're still friends

19. Do you like bubble baths? I've only taken one… i guess i do

20. Do you like your neighbors? hail no. we don't talk to anybody. we're antisocial XP

21. What are you bad habits? over-thinking

22. Where would you like to travel? florida for walt disney world :D then around europe and see carnivale in brazil and luau in hawaii :D

23. Do you have trust issues? i used to. i think experience has made me indifferent towards a lot of the newer people i meet.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? majority of the days of my week, spending time with my love <3

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? i dunno, i was gonna say my belly but the fat is probably keeping me warm in this cool weather so i appreciate its efforts to keep me comfortable :D

26. What do you do when you wake up? Go back to sleep

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? I'm cool with being light chocolate :P

28. Who are you most comfortable around? my girlfriend, family, and steve

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? have none

30. Do you ever want to get married? of course

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? which hair O.o jk XP 32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? like gin rummy? i dunno, whoever knows how to play XP 

33. Spell your name with your chin.  jnghc hgakl lmfao!!!!

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

well for the past four days, I've been a key blade master if that counts XP

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

tv

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? regretted it once before

37. What do you say during awkward silences? soooooooo, yeah

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? one word! madelaine :)

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? express, karmaloop, macy's?

40. What do you want to do after high school? i have to go again? :(

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? circumstantial.

42. If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean? i'm either paying attention or i zoned out

43. Do you smile at strangers? Sometimes.

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? bottom of the ocean. with proper gear… obviously XP

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?  Alarms…. lots and lots of them

46. What are you paranoid about? when a topic concerns me… then that.

47. Have you ever been high? Yup

48. Have you ever been drunk? Yup

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? who doesn't? haha

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? blackish gray i think?

51. Ever wished you were someone else? all the heroes in the kung fu movies i watch XP hahaha

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? I'm pretty happy pappy with my body :P

53. Favourite makeup brand? the one that people like XP

54. Favourite store? express for shirts and nice  classy stuff, karma loop for really interesting zany stuff

55. Favourite blog?

blue cheese XP

56. Favourite colour?

red

57. Favourite food?  French fries… entree wise? italian

58. Last thing you ate? oh shyet. i overdid it. had chuck e cheese pizza with my sister and romel and cheesy bread with two rounds of all you can eat salad bar XP

59. First thing you ate this morning? cereal and an apple

60. Ever won a competition? For what? i won a spelling bee in 2nd grade.

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? Nope

62. Been arrested? For what? not arrested

63. Ever been in love?  still am :)

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? i was taking my girlfriend now to disneyland for her birthday present. i tried kissing her until the castle in a coy and cheesy way but it backfired on me XP after the parade was over at night and the park was closing, i brought her in front of the castle instead and told her that it was a tradition to kiss the one you like in front of the castle. albeit, it was a little off, but fireworks still shot out that night <3

65. Are you hungry right now? I’m full.

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? whale one is from high school, the other is from college, and the other is my girlfriend :D i don't know who else is following me. sorry if i didn't mention anyone else

67. Facebook or Twitter? facebook

68. Twitter or Tumblr? tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now? no

70. Names of your bestfriends?  steve.

71. Craving something? What? to be with my girlfriend… and also eat french fries

72. What colour are your towels? reddish-orange

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? two

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? no

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? oh shyet. i may not have any, but my sister's massive beanie baby collection is stuffed in the closet of my old room

75. Favourite animal? panda's or koalas :D

76. What colour is your underwear? navy blue

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? both

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? mint chocolate chip. although i want them to fuse mint chocolate chip with cookie dough and fudge mixed around in there with caramel drizzle over it XO_______

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? No shirt

80. What colour pants? No pants

81. Favourite tv show? how i met your mother, big bang theory, bob's burgers, FUTURAMA, SIMPSONS, avatar the last airbender :P

82. Favourite movie? hmmm top one for me is still knight's tale although i love a lot of movies

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? wtf, there was a second one? did they get meaner? like hulk-mean? haha

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? i haven't watched 21 jump street… sooooooo 21 jump street Xp

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? the mean one

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? dory

87. First person you talked to today? My mom

88. Last person you talked to today? madelaine

89. Name a person you hate? the asshole who almost hit my car this morning running a stop sign

90. Name a person you love? Madelaine <3

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

the asshole who almost hit my car this morning running a stop sign

92. In a fight with someone? nope

93. How many sweatpants do you have? none

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? a few

95. Last movie you watched? what to expect when you're expecting

96. Favourite actress? maggie smith. sandra bullock. 

97. Favourite actor? tom hanks. michael caine

98. Do you tan a lot? I've tanned enough XP

99. Have any pets?

no :(

100. How are you feeling?

indifferent

101. Do you type fast? i spose so

102. Do you regret anything from your past? yup

103. Can you spell well? w-e-l-l wahooo! 5 years of college work at its finest! lmfao

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? ralph cancicio RIP

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? no but i'd like to start one :)

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? Probably :/

107. Have you ever been on a horse? YES! YES I HAVE :D

108. What should you be doing? get ready to work out again

109. Is something irritating you right now? no

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? it hurt what happened after

111. Do you have trust issues? what the hell, same question from earlier

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? my girlfriend

113. What was your childhood nickname? baby yoko. minky.

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? Yup

115. Do you play the Wii? When I'm at my girlfriend's house

116. Are you listening to music right now? not at the moment

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? i haven't had any. I'm not sure

118. Do you like Chinese food? i do

119. Favourite book? not sure if you consider it a book but romeo and juliet because I'm a romantic XP book-wise, water for elephants because my love have great taste in literature

120. Are you afraid of the dark? No. unless you make scary noises XP haha

121. Are you mean? i can be

122. Is cheating ever okay? never. not even if the bastard is an asshole; bastard going for both man or woman. just dump their dumbass and get with someone who is worth your time.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? hell no

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? thats not love

125. Do you believe in true love? i do <3

126. Are you currently bored? quite

127. What makes you happy? my girlfriend, my family, and succeeding in difficult challenges

128. Would you change your name? Nope

129. What your zodiac sign? leo.

130. Do you like subway? haven't been there in a while but it was alright

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? kiss her tomorrow. remind her why i love her so much and make more beautiful memories together as always

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? my sister.

133. Favourite lyrics right now? "mein brartwurst has a first name, its f-r-i-t-z. mein bratwurst has a second name its s-c-h-n-a-c-k-e-n-p-f-e-f-f-e-r-h-a-u-s-e-n"  lmfao!!!

134. Can you count to one million? no, but i can pretend like i did :)

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? *trying to ditch second period honors english class*

i was walking to the nursing office but then i had a sudden asthma attack! i couldn't go to my walker to get my inhaler cause it was down 2 floors and i couldn't make it! so i sat on the stairs until i could catch my breath again! i know it took me like 40 minutes but i really had to catch my breath! by the time i started to breath normally, i felt better so i didn't have to go to the nurse's office so i went back and coincidentally, it was the end of class" XP

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? i have no doors XP

137. How tall are you? 6'0"

138. Curly or Straight hair? Straight.

139. Brunette or Blonde? Black

140. Summer or Winter? winter

141. Night or Day? Night.

142. Favourite month? november

143. Are you a vegetarian? i am for lent XP

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? Milk chocolate

145. Tea or Coffee? coffee

146. Was today a good day? It was fun when we celebrated stuff at chuck e cheese's. the rest… meh

147. Mars or Snickers? 100 grand bar! haha

148. What’s your favourite quote? my brain is fried to remember any

149. Do you believe in ghosts? i do

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? assessment questions to ask a patient for a health history interview

mannnn

its been a challenging few weeks. staying strong academically and emotionally. i am happy to say that Madelaine is doing quite well over the past few weeks and im just really happy that we're looking forward to something brighter and more wonderful with each day we get through together <3

there has been something i have noticed about myself recently though. i can say for the past week or so, especially on days where i dont see Maddie, i tend to get really anxious. Its not about a fear of commitment or a fear of getting hurt but i tend to get anxious about cause its like inner conflict i suppose.i guess i am clingy cause i get concerned when shes out late with Mahsa but i know she's gonna be safe and ok and just chilling at her house relaxing. my dumbass keeps thinking worst case scenario and the other half of me is telling me to pipe the fuck down XP oh lord, i hope this isnt making me sound crazy.i just really need to calm down about all this, and listen to some nujabes for cripes sakes XP