Self-love

And yes, before I go. Let me make this post.

I have been focusing on myself lately, everything in the background is just a blur to me. It’s not that I am creating this huge gap between me and the ones I love. It’s more like learning to love myself so that I can give the best version of myself to the people I love, without restrictions, without caring what other people think, these are just a blur to me. 

Sometime this year, I had another heartbreak when me and current boyfriend took a break. I guess it took a toll on me for about 5 days. I’m used to the feeling of crying secondary to a heartbreak, it doesn’t get any better but you’ll get used it, no, it’s more like you’ll know how to handle the situation better. I’ve been through a series of heartbreak in my life. But I’ve never felt so helpless back when I had my major one-- so this time around I knew how to handle it. 

I was told over and over to find happiness in myself, not rely on a person for it because once they’re gone, you’ll find your world crumbling. Starting at zero because you forgot how to be alone. I guess I hated that feeling, the feeling of finding peace in your alone time. So when me and boyfriend broke up, I tried to focus on myself, my family and friends-- these matter most to me. I was a bit extreme on this part that until now I’d still find it difficult to set dates, that’s just me being perfectly honest. I guess it’s a defense mechanism I developed that won’t get me attached to other people in a flick of a wand, you know what I mean? 

I love to go on dates with my family and friends, kind of like a getaway from life. I’m just really scared to be attached to one person completely and when they’re gone I’m just like a blob of slime, so lifeless haha. Thus, I prefer spending time with other people and of course myself, my boyfriend already noticed this. He had this lapse of tampo before saying why won’t I spend time with him. Can’t blame him though. But I’m trying my best not to be detached completely. I just can’t never be assured without that ring on my finger lol.

Anyway, what I’m saying is I feel like I’m more confident now. I have the certainty that no matter who comes and goes, it’ll be able to pick myself up. 

Life lately;

Life’s been good to me. I feel like everything is right where they are supposed to be. I’m in the hospital, tiring my knees out as I walk around the hospital like crazy, goin up and down-- I’m not complaining, life’s good! I’m thankful to all the people I’ve met in this new chapter, as well as those who stayed.

As the year is about to end, I think I should update this blog. My life is pretty stable. My emotions are also in reins, relationship-wise as well. I’m at this point in my life where I am just thankful that I am alive. I’ve faced a lot of things this year, it made me grow into a person that I really want to become. I became independent, learned how not to rely my happiness on other people and do what I want as long as it makes me happy. Literally the embodied that you only live once. Been hanging out with friends, going shopping (with my growing bags and shoes collection!), going out on dates with family, boyfriend, and friends, and studying (sometimes... lol!). 

I love what I’m doing, this is my calling. Seeing and talking to patients make me happy, makes me realize a little bit how my life choices made me who I am right now. All the hardships I’ve faced boils down to a moment that I’m dreading, soon enough I’ll face the Physician Licensure Exam (PLE). That MD has always been my goal, you’ll know that if you’ve been reading my blog since I’ve started it.

That’s all for now. 

Bye, 2021! You’ve been pretty good to me.

This Year, My Intention Is Self-Love

It’s the New Year, and you’ve probably seen it all over social media: this year, my intention is self-love. I used to wonder what this actually meant. It seemed so abstract and bewildering. Annoyingly, this phrase never came with instructions on how to actually do this. So for the longest time, the idea of self-love felt empty and shallow for me. But once it finally clicked, it never felt so clear and simple.

Self-love means not needing anyone else’s approval or validation. Self-love means being enough for yourself and for everyone else in your life. Self-love means not having to prove your worth to anyone—even yourself. Self-love means accepting and loving yourself for who you are.

looked for love and belonging in my partners, thinking that having a boyfriend would fill this lonely void in my heart. I sought external validation from friends, bosses, and colleagues, believing that going out of my way to help others and people-please would make me feel loved, wanted, and needed.

I tried so hard to fill this internal void through external ways. Sometimes it worked, but the feeling was usually fleeting. Like a quick fix and a band-aid over a gunshot wound, it didn’t get me far, and I had to find more ways to fill this void.

These days, I no longer feel like I need this external validation. What was once a void is now full of love and acceptance because I’ve finally gotten to a place where I actually believe that I’m lovable, worthy, and best of all, I’m not alone.

So my intention for this year is to continue cultivating this internal validation and not caring about others’ approval. I’ve accepted that I might never get the kind of unconditional love and support from my parents that I deserve, but I’m okay with that. I don’t need it anymore. I recognize their limitations, and if anything, I’ve learned exactly what not to do when I have children of my own. Here’s to breaking intergenerational cycles and learning how to unconditionally love for the first time.

-- By Sharon Kwon

How do you love a person less and love yourself a little more? (Part 1)

        Hey! I know I been haven’t posting much lately, but I badly need to let out my feelings once and for all. Let this be a milestone to my 360 degrees character development for 2021.

        Something has been bothering me lately; so bothered that I am uneasy with every notifications I get. Have you ever felt the need to always talk to your special someone? Because I do. I have been doing so for years, I just came to a realization while taking a thoughtful shower. I have a real toxic trait-- I can be TOO CLINGY. Yes. I’ve always thought that clingy-ness can be cute and it equates to how much you love a person. However, it took me how many years of failed relationships to realize that it might be toxic trait. You might be wondering, why now, after all these years of being in a relationship, long-term ones at that? It is because I don’t want to lose the one who has my heart right now (and possibly marry) just because I’m being way too overdependent. 

        Took me a bit of a closer look at the mirror to realize that I have to stop looking at my phone and just be focused on something. I think I have developed this mad skill of mine from my multi-tasking talents. However, not all people are the same as me. Take my boyfriend for example, he can’t  multi-task, and yet, I demand him to do so. But I cannot do that to him, that is not him, I cannot change a person just because I cannot bend my rules. I have to look at things differently, I have to stop feeling so insecure and unsure of a relationship just because we don’t talk every second of everyday. Writing this and FINALLY accepting the fact that it is indeed a toxic trait hits me straight to the face-- accurately phrased as “a hard pill to swallow”. 

        This afternoon, I was in argument with my boyfriend about this topic. At first it wasn’t this exact topic but one thing led to another in which this came up. I thought I matured cause I learned not to reply ASAP. However, it was because I was only restraining myself to reply, it was not because I was busy with other things, it was because I was forcing myself not to reply immediately. I think this took a huge toll at my boyfriend because he knew that I let him be, but he somewhat felt the pressure to reply even though I never told him to do so. I guess it was my presence of always being so available that he felt the need to be there as well. I have to stop this...

        So starting today [and mark these words], I would go about my day without giving any fucks to other people and not give myself as available. I just wouldn’t. I need to learn how to be happy spending time with myself. I’m gonna do this by tracing my steps back to when I found myself free-- activities include:

These are some of the things at the top of my head. It’s good to have lists. I will update you guys soon for my progress. Let this be the part one of my journey to self-love! An early birthday gift to myself-- cheers!

How do you tell someone you miss them?

Missing someone is a feeling that cannot be simply explained. It comes in different forms that sometimes even us cannot see right through it. Some days it comes in a form of a wave, that can only be calmed by perusing through your photos. Some days it can come in form of a bottled up anger, coming from the frustration that you cannot see the person that you are missing that you tend to misplace that anger to them. Or some days it can simply be in a form of those three words “I miss you”.

Emotions are weird things. Let me tell you a bit of science here, these emotions come from different parts of the brain-- it’s true it can be controlled by a part of the brain but it collectively acts in order to put our emotions in place-- to not let it rampant, keep it in the cages. Although, there are times wherein my mind just goes blank, like literally blacks out and then suddenly my emotions kept overflowing which are reflected by the words coming out of my mouth, barely filtered, and vaguely describing what I actually feel. Maybe you are wondering, where am I getting at with this? I’m just writing my emotions out, let it bleed from my fingers as I type down the letters to emphasize the emotions riling up inside of me because of this quarantine that I badly want to end.

My mind is in a state of mess right now. I’m missing someone, someone who is 28 miles away from me. I want to touch him, hear his voice, see his emotions as we talk about the most random things-- I just want to see him so bad it makes my head spin. And now I am tumbling with my thoughts, thinking of ways on how do you show someone you miss them without actually telling them? Someone told me that it’s through the little things like the good morning messages, replying quickly as you could, sending selfies, telling you about how their day went, reminding you to eat, and posting pictures of you online. With these, I came to a realization that maybe people have different ways of showing you how much they miss you. Words are actually meaningless without actions-- so maybe the little things do matter. So now that I came to this enlightenment, I’m thinking, how do I show someone I miss them? How can I misunderstand the person I love this easily?

Me, when I miss someone it really does come in tides, it comes and go, rises and falls. When I miss someone so much I get too emotional that I shed a tear over a picture taken when we were together. When I miss someone I tell them that I miss them and those 3 words are heavy as it can be, weighted by the emotions that I genuinely dug and finally let out. When I miss someone I’m willing to drive for hours just to see them. And when I miss someone I can get mad and say things I don’t mean-- and I end up hurting that person. Now, you see why I’m writing this post. It’s hard that I always tell myself that communication is the sacred key to a good relationship, I always tell myself that. But sometimes, the right words just leave the depths of my mind; and when these words eventually show up, they are obviously already late to the party.

Misunderstanding someone is a mistake we all tend to make more often; even if we try to avoid it, even if we fight so hard against it, it’s always going to find it’s way to lurk in the safe bubble we create with the person we love. It’s inevitable, but miscommunication does not have a space in a relationship, it just don’t. It ruins the balance in the equation. Thus, for us to overcome it, we should know the kind of languages the person that we love uses, and of course, it should go both ways. Love is difficult because it’s like being in a foreign country without knowing their language-- you will eventually get lost. This takes me back to my statement earlier, communication IS key to a successful relationship. It just is. It takes guts to open yourself to someone, but it all comes down to who you want to show the unfiltered version of yourself. Communicating how you show your emotions is essential as the other person can understand it differently. 

Missing someone is another language we need to learn to teach to the person that we love. So that your emotions can reach that person the way you want them to feel it. 

1st: Push My Luck

Meeting you was like serendipity masked in uncertainty. I’m not lying when I said that I knew you were the one just by looking at your picture-- yes, a picture alone! Moment I saw you, I really had a good feeling; a feeling that was fleeting, I almost missed it. I cannot explain what I felt that day, I began to be hopeful. You could say I was at my lowest point, with all the things that were going on in my life that time; the finals and an unprecedented heartbreak, I was really about to give up. But because of you I started to become hopeful again, maybe it was because of the feeling that things might fall into their places, finally (!!) that I had to catch my breath when you messaged me. Was it awkward? Yes, I think so. But was it a good kind of awkward? Definitely! We were so fixated about our dreams of becoming doctors that it was one of things we talked about first. I wasn’t lying when I said that specialties of your choosing do suit you. I can picture you with it, or maybe just you in a white coat-- any specialty would make you look like you were born for it. We were both studying for finals, testing the waters as days go by. I always looked forward to your message, I don’t want to admit it to myself, but I really did. You were the ray of sunshine in the life that was so dark I felt blind. 

Is that something we should consider as a cupid’s work? Maybe, maybe not; but all I know is I’m indebted to our friends in this lifetime because they introduced me to the person I would (hopefully) love forever. 

But that was not the good part, oh no, I was just getting started. Knowing you, that’s where the euphoria began. We talked about the most random things, some were funny, some were smart conversations, and throw in a bit of flirting in the mix-- and we got ourselves a date! You know, before you even asked for a date, I was messaging my friends on how you might have no plans at all to meet me in person, lmao. Honestly love, why do you always do things at the perfect timing, given that you only follow your own pace? I’m perplexed at how you never fail to surprise me, let alone you never disappointed me, not even once. Moving forward, past all the kiligs, flirtatious remarks, and random talks; I finally met you in person. Let’s not dive further on our first date, we’ve talked about it too much to a point where we cringe at the very thought of it. But hey, you know what? It was different, you were different. You weren’t like the guys I’ve dated-- it made you stand out. It made me wonder about you more, that maybe you were more than that. AND I WAS RIGHT! You are beyond my expectations, you jumped through hoops and landed a place right into my life. 

I can’t believe we’re here. We’ve struggled with so much hesitation, indecision, and losing heart-- but believe me when I say that it was always, always, outweighed by the feelings I have for you. It wasn’t something I can just lose grip without fighting for it. I love you so much, really, that the word “love” feels very trivializing. I should formulate a new way of saying it that can clearly reflect what I feel for you. I must be crazy, to make myself vulnerable again after being traumatized by love. But I just don’t care anymore, I’m going to jump at this blindly, and if I fall into a thorny field at the end of the chasm, then be it. You are worth the risk. No hesitations, right?

Thank you my love for showing me how to trust and believe in love again. I never thought it was possible by you did it so flawlessly. I can’t imagine spending this lifetime without you (the new way!). Happy 1st to the love of my life. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. 

When You Meet the Right One, You Will Just Know

One day you will meet the person of your dream while you’re not looking.

It may be a random date that you almost not go, a twist of fate that leads you to the meeting, or a coincident encounter that changes your life forever. Whichever way you meet them, it will definitely be a life-changing experience that you will remember for the rest of your life.

You won’t expect too much at first because you’re used to things not working out for you. You’re accustomed to temporary relationships that slip out of your life easily. You’re guarded about meeting people who only wanted something from you while putting in the minimum effort. You’re exhausted from having your heart broken due to your past experiences. You’re afraid that this would lead to eventual heartbreak that you swore you would avoid at all cost.

The thing that you’ll soon learn is that the right person will give you all the right feelings.

He will make every effort to put you as his priority and support you in every endeavor of yours. He will make your heart beat faster and you smile wider for all the right reasons. He will grow to love the person you’re and proud to be with. He will love you deeply in the present and wants to materialize forever with you.

The most wonderful part is that you believe every single word he said because he has given you no reason to doubt him. There is not an inkling of confusion or uncertainty in your mind. You’re nervous yet excited about what the future holds for you and him. The thought of him gives you a warm fuzzy feeling that spread a smile across your face. You feel serene and calm thinking of him as his dedication towards you is unwavering and persistent.

So please never settle when it comes to love. Never accept a love that doesn’t fight for you and continue to give you their wholehearted best. Never silent the voice in your head when you feel that something is terribly wrong yet you couldn’t put a finger on it. Never diminish your worth and stay with someone who doesn’t make you happier than you ever been. Never think that you need love to feel complete.

If someone you’re dating keeps you in the grey area, have the courage to end this ambiguous arrangement. If you have to tolerant toxic and less than ideal behaviors, walk away immediately. If you cannot picture anything long-term with him, listen to the voice inside you to leave. If you have to wonder if he’s the right one then he probably isn’t. If you’re feeling hopeless at the prospect of love, appreciate the important people in your life and accept that love isn’t solely found in a romantic partner. If you’re starting to feel jaded about dating and relationship, maybe you should take a break and focus on yourself first.

Because somewhere deep inside you, you know that love isn’t supposed to be this difficult and frightening. There isn’t supposed to be more down than up, more tears than smiles, and more negativity than positivity. You’re not supposed to settle for fear that you couldn’t find the one you’re looking for.

And somewhere within you, you know that you never have to wonder with the right person.

< Self-portraits x 2018 >

Taken by: Insta Boyfriend

Has 2018 been any good?

Honestly, I have no idea what this year brought to me. It was overpowered with stress and anxiousness. I don’t know... maybe it’s just me but it hasn’t been that great. I’ve tried doing things I’ve never done before such as getting pierced (only for it to close again lmao), had super short hair for months (because my hair just won’t grow ugggh), invested more on skincare and makeup, chose to love myself more, and knew when to draw a line between enough and too much. Maybe it made me stronger? Or was it the other way around? I felt discouraged a lot of times throughout the year, not to mention how being a sophomore in med school mentally traumatized me in ways I cringe just when thinking about it. So, how am I supposed to greet the next year? I’m scared of what another year may bring upon, although I’m crossing my fingers that it’d be a blessing. As this would also mark another year of transitioning to a 3rd year med student. I’m having panic attacks just thinking about 2019. I’m scared; I don’t know how to welcome this beginning. 

I’m loss for words. This is the first time that I’m scared to welcome a new year, given that it’s already December 31, 2018, tomorrow is another start of something that is foreign to me-- something I know I’d have to be used to; and I hope that’s not disappointments... again lol. I don’t know how to end this post. This may come off a little bit different than usual. I’ve always been excited when it comes to events like this. Needless to say, I’m definitely afraid and I should be preparing myself of what’s to come; I guess that means tomorrow I should download all the transes and print those that I have to study in advance. I know it sucks, but I’d have to stick with my life that I have now.  

I guess you can say 2018 has been so-so. Looking back, I don’t think good memories can shadow over the bad ones. All I can see are the nights where I’ve got an hour of sleep, and have to be ready for an exam that I’m scared to fail. I’ve been traumatized, really. Never did I see this one coming. I’ve always thought of myself as someone who can overcome things just by trusting my capabilities-- but now? I’m not so sure anymore.

Nonetheless, I still greet you all a Happy New Year! Let’s look forward to how 2019 may or may not ruin our sanity!

Movies I’ve watched on Netflix this December (to kill time, lmao as if I have the time, but seriously I did watch some of these in my dorm). I know some of these are a bit corny but you can’t blame me if I was so bored and I just need a light movie to suck out the stress in me, right? Although, I’m not kidding when I say that most of these movies are lame and I would NOT recommend. But if you’re desperate like me, why not. Hahaha! I’ll rate these movies out for you so that you can gauge if you want to watch it or not. I’ll list down all of the movies I’ve watched the past weeks!

I asked Karlo to rate a few, as we’ve watched a couple of these together. Not the best collection of movies, if I might, again, add.

See? I told you most of these movies are lame, hahaha. Not really a recommendations post, but if you’re bored and is up for something to waste your time with then maybe you could check these out. Or some of Noah Centineo’s movies... which is sadly, most are not that good (at least he’s cute)

122518 x Post-Christmas Celebration!

Hey guys! I know I promised that I’d make a post about my family’s little Christmas party, but here’s a quick post and updates filled with pictures. I’d have to be honest, I was not feeling the Christmas spirit that day. It’s weird because I am such a huge holidays person-- maybe because it was that time of the month again? And my mood swings are definitely not helping + the crowdedness of the mall + being hangry.

Just something to sidetrack me again; me and my boyfriend wondered if the Christmas spirit truly goes away as you get older? I dunno. I feel like I’m such a traditional person wherein I’d like to keep things the way they are before. But I am coming to an “acceptance stage” that the holiday spirit we had as a child wherein we literally get all so worked up about Christmas that we had to sneak up to our parents to take a peek of our presents, and count the days that we had to open them is slowly going away? Wait, not slowly but suddenly going away as we are avoiding the fact that it is gone by now. 

Me and my family still has gift giving traditions, but I guess receive presents is not as exciting as it was before, am I right? Or maybe it’s just me? I’m not a Grinch or anything; if I’d have to be honest, I’m the opposite of Grinch. I can be Mrs. Clause for crying out loud. Still, it feels sad that I don’t get all so excited about Christmas anymore, unlike before when I was still a little kiddo that truly loves Christmas and receiving toys. 

I came to a realization that Christmas is no longer about gift giving, it’s more of spending time with your family, and doing something once a year that is truly special-- something to remind you that happiness comes from the celebrating events like this one with the people you love the most (wow that was so deep)

We ate at Mama Lou’s because it had the least people... even if we are 11th in queue. My brother decided to treat us, which had us all surprised lmao. Can’t help but feel excited when the day comes that I’ll be the one to treat my family out for dinner. 

I was wearing a thin light longsleeves from Mango and brought a sweater with me just because I am that person who gets cold easily. And the December coldness is no joke here! 

And so the CBTL-stickers-collecting continues! I really wonder why people like us suck up to these kind of gigs of coffee shops such as CBTL and Starbucks? Like can’t we just buy a regular ol’ planner from a bookstore which would cost you way less, and you can also pick a design to your liking? Hahaha, so much for saying this because I’ve also collected stickers for planners in the past but it has lost its logic, at least in my perspective. But I’m still up for it anyways lol because why not?

Some shots of my bros that I was proud of because they hate having their pictures taken, especially by me. WHY these are good, right? Hahaha. 

Anyways, that’s it for now. I still think I’m in a hangover trance right now; as I’ve gotten drunk again last night with my girl friends. Missed them so much. Will also post pictures of us soon in a life lately post! Also, another note to add, I am keeping up with this blogging of mine-- and I’m glad to be committed to something again! 

Merry Christmas, everyone!

There are so many things to be thankful about this holiday~ I can’t thank my family enough for making it extra special, also to my boyfriend. I hope you all had a wonderful celebration. I did! So I’m going to post more about it this week, I’m working on it, I swear! Just wanted to stop by and greet you guys a Merry, Merry Christmas!! Enjoy Jesus’ birthday! 

I’m going to start this new blog series (called MEMABLOG) wherein I’m going to blog about the most random / irrelevant things that are not usually seen on blogs of normal people. It’s just that I seriously have nothing left to blog, and with my continuous urge to update my blog every other day, I’ve been pushed to my limits and decided to do something that would make me look crazy. I’m trying my best here lmao.

Anyway, I know none of you guys are wondering what’s on my bedside table because WHO WOULD, right? Hahaha, but here I am blogging with no shame at all. None left in my body, you might say. This is totally random, but let’s just go along with it. Tumblr is about expressing yourself, but I think I’m being extreme here haha

My dad just got home from Qatar, and he spent the Black Friday there, and obviously he had to go to the sales. These lotions were on sale, he literally horded tons of the Aromatherapy collection of Bath and Body Works, like we have like 10 of this lotion here! Plus, he also went to Victoria’s Secret and bought me and my mom some skincare stuff, such as this lotion, a perfume, and undies (should I add he felt so awkward buying for us because he visited VS and La Senza lol sorry dad).

I already have the Shimmer fragrance lotion in Vanilla, so my mom got that I got this one, in pink! More so, can the lotion “Stress Relief” be anymore fitting for me? I am a walking stress!

You’ve probably already seen these. But these are the skincare stuff I decided to bring to my house as I spent my Christmas break here. Some products are left in my dorm. I obviously wanted to bring all of my skincare things but I figured I wouldn’t use them all anyway, plus I should learn how to prioritize and lessen things that I bring from time to time. I’ve noticed lately that I seen to bring literally everything with me whenever I go out that some things seem to be unnecessary.  

In this section, I’ll show you guys what’s inside the lip-shaped pouch, seen at the very first picture of this post. I think I bought that pouch as my pencil case back when I was in college, it’s from K.Cat or J.Cat? I’m not sure of the name, haha but something that has Cat in it.

On the top picture: Intense Color Liquid Eyeshadow in the shade Gorgeous from BLK Cosmetics | Suesh powder brush | Nature Republic concealer | Lash Paradise from L’oreal

I realized, when I took out the lipsticks from my pouch that I brought with me way too many lipsticks. So much for saying that I’d be carrying less from now on. Anyway, from left to right:

All-day intense Matte Lipstick in Australia from BLK Cosmetics | Clinique lipstick (not sure of the shade name) | Long Lasting lipstick in 06 from Essence (thanks, bb!) | Matte Lipstick in Mehr from MAC | Nyx Lingerie in Lace Detail | MAC Lipglass in Gal Friday | Not sure of the brand, this lipstick was from my mom’s vanity, I think it was from Shu Uemura? Or from Shiseido? | Pure Color, Lasting Shimmer in 12 Beige from Estee Lauder

Recently just bought the No Sebum Mineral Powder from Innisfree, I KNOW, finally I’ve tried it. My friends told me about this, but never really had the chance to buy one, but when it was B1T1 on BeautyMNL, I instantly bought 4 pieces of it hahaha.

So that’s it for this totally random post, be ready for a few more, hopefully, something that makes a lot more sense than this one!

Self-portraits V.4?

I’ve been dressing up lately, unlike last year wherein I’d be okay with havs or chucks, a tee, and a hw shorts and I’m good to go. I’m not saying my outfits are big of a deal, but they are at least IG-worthy in a way? Hahaha

I SURVIVED MY FIRST SEM OF SECOND YEAR IN MED SCHOOL!!

After my good records during my college years and as first year med student, i never actually thought I’d be afraid to fail a subject-- let alone take an exam knowing that everything is at stake if I got a low score. It was a new feeling, I never want to experience ever again. I’ve always got everything under control, with my full confidence that I’ll make it to the next sem. But this time it was different, it was like I was being suffocated-- as if every time I want to have fun; at the back of my head I’d feel like I don’t have an ounce of right to be happy... and this is because of a few subjects that I’m afraid I might fail.

I blogged last month or a few weeks back that I’ve been complacent knowing that my grades are good enough to be a ticket for the next sem. But I was completely wrong, I’ve been too lax about it and little did I know I was in danger, when I was already facing the predator. I hated feeling that way, I hated going to an exam risking the fact that I might be an irregular student. It was such a heavy feeling; a burden I never thought I’d have. 

But you know what actually bothers me the most? Is that I’ve poured my heart out studying, let alone sacrificed too many of life’s moment just so that I could have a better future ahead of me-- and it still isn’t enough. Truly, it bothers me how my efforts are always put into a trash bin, like I never actually tried my best to get what I think I deserve. To be honest, I started doubting everything, my capabilities, my dream, even myself. Thoughts started to flood over me, as if it was a dam held together by a tough wall of self-confidence. But when that confidence is slowly getting destroyed, doubts flooded my mind. I started thinking “Am I ever going to become a good doctor, if I can’t pass this subject?” “Is medicine really for me?” “Why am I always not enough?”. Thoughts like these do leak out from the “dam” from time to time, but never did I let it affect me. This time it actually did, and it made an impact in my life. It let me think less of myself, and what I can actually do. 

Second sem is coming up next year, and I might actually lose 2 friends with me in this journey, not literally but we can’t be classmates anymore. I hate how everything turned out. I hate med school for doing this; just when I found real friends that could help me overcome things ever since the beginning. If I only knew getting this red plate comes with such great consequences then I should’ve braced myself beforehand. But I honestly did not see this one coming. Hopefully things will get better next sem. I’m not exactly prepared for what’s to come but I know I’ll always try my best. 

Throwback when my life literally revolved around studying

Finals went like a whirlwind, mixed with anxiety and emotional trigger that hit you right it your heart. I hated the experienced but it showed me how strong I can be in times of distress. Nonetheless, I hate med school but my love for medicine is far too overwhelming to give up now. It’s so so so so so damn hard. I can’t help but feel like giving up at times.

I’m still thankful, that I’m surrounded with people who feels the same way, and struggles the same battles I face. It is good to feel less alone at times when you feel like the world is going against you. I just hope things go well, or else these nights that I sacrificed my sleep and efforts to ace my exams is going to waste along with my MD dreams. Huhu. I badly want to believe that I’m happy it’s over but this sinking feeling of uncertainty if I’d make it to next sem clings on to me like vines without an escape.

To repay for my inactivity on my blog here’s a bonus video of me trying to study as I fall asleep. Ahahhahahahahhaha

I swear, I never study on my bed because I know that I’ll just fall asleep. But my friend stayed at my dorm to study so we had to switch places (from my bed to my desk) every hour or so. And when it was already my turn to study on my bed I was so sleepy. But hey, you guys do have to applaud me for trying hahahahaha