Long Way to Before || dalaric

Damon had always envisioned himself as a strong person but having to live without Elena he had lost all his strength and had become weak. He wasn’t just weak though he was pathetic because he hadn’t been able to even get through a year without her. He wasn’t just pathetic he was repulsive because he couldn’t even last a year without inviting someone else into his bed. Sure hell had played tricks on him, making him believe he had killed the love of his life but even then he didn’t have an excuse to use because instead of mourning her the proper way he had decided to have meaningless sex. Disgust is what he carried comparing himself to that of a widow who ends up having sex in a coat closet at a funeral. When the disgust had settled in it was replaced by emptiness as he realized he had erased her. Damon had replaced Elena and his last kiss with the kiss of a stranger’s. A kiss that held promise, devotion and love wiped away. Lips that had molded perfectly against his own no longer there because he had replaced them by the lips of a needy stranger. A touch that once had the power to soothe him suddenly erased and replaced with that of a touch that caused him to flinch each time he thought back to it. No one understood, no one understood why he hated himself because in Damon’s eyes he hadn’t loved Elena enough to hold onto her.

Even before he had endured hell he was already living it without Elena. Trying to find the strength to roll out of bed each time his eyes would stray towards the empty part of the bed beside him. Morning, noon and night were all the same to him. Just serving to be a constant reminder of how he’d have to bare another day without the love of his life. In his moments spent in solitude that was the only time he’d allow himself to shatter. Each time it rained in Mystic Falls it broke him because to the others around him rain was just rain but to Damon it held a promise. A promise that once again was being put on hold because the universe had showcased it’s cruelty only this time it hadn’t been Damon that had been ripped away but Elena. In his moments of weakness he’d find himself dialing her phone number just so he could hear her voice over the line. The voice mail greeting short ‘hi this is Elena I’m not here right now but I’ll get back to you’ and each time Damon would hear the ‘back to you’ tears would roll down his cheeks as he’d come to the realization that she still wasn’t back yet. When he really felt like being a masochist he’d listen to the voicemails she had left him. Call him a romantic or love struck but every message Elena had left on his phone, even when they had just been only friends still remained. Sometimes he’d listen to a message of her scolding him because he had been sending her dirty texts while she had been with Caroline. Other times it was a simple I miss you and yet each one had the power to draw a smile from him. Damon would even find himself listening to the message she had left him after he had sent her away thanks to the paranoia of the sire bond. Each time he’d listen to that message that paranoia he once felt would slip away.

Hey it’s me look I know why you sent me away those words now holding new meaning each time he listened to it. This time he hadn’t parted from her because of the sire bond but because he had chosen to be the better man by doing the right thing. I hate not being near you only making him ache more because at the time she was a simple car ride back to Mystic Falls to be close to again, she was within his reach but not now. No longer did he have the option to run his hand along her cheek and feel her lean into his touch. I miss you Damon I wish you’d just let me come to you each time he heard that part of the message he’d find himself sinking to the floor as wrecked sobs would escape him.

Damon had lost everything the girl, his house, his town, his mother, his sanity, his friends, his future, his brother and himself. All he had was himself because he had become his own island and the only sound that he had heard was his own echo and the sound of his own cries. No one understood that his heart was or rather still is in that coffin with Elena and without his heart he’s merely an empty vessel struggling to get by. Before he had fallen into slumber he had written letters to his loved ones and out of all the letters he had written his letter to Alaric had been the most honest. He had bared his damn soul believing that if anyone was to understand Damon’s choice it would be him but unfortunately for Damon he was wrong. Trying not to flinch at how unwelcoming Alaric’s voice sounds towards him “oh come on Ric” he drawls out “I know it’s only been three years but surely you haven’t forgotten that I’m not the type to do what I’m told” his brow arching curiously in his best friends direction. Glancing down to see his tumbler of bourbon being set beside him as he gives a curt nod towards the bartender suddenly reaching out for a much needed drink as Bonnie is brought into the discussion. “Flowers really” he scoffs “I’m not the flowers kind of guy and if I was to bring apology flowers to Bonnie that would merely be my weak and feeble attempt of sorry considering I’m not hash-tag sorry not sorry.” Gripping the handle of the tumbler, lifting it to his lips, tipping his head back and taking a short swig “good to know some things haven’t changed” licking his lips as he sets the glass down. “Years could pass and bourbon will never disappoint nor let me down unlike you my supposed best friend who is treating me like I’m a stranger because newsflash buddy I’m not. I get it you’re not pleased with my choice….in fact everyone isn’t pleased with my choice and guess what I’m not pleased with you all either.” Deciding not to be gentle and beat around the bush “so how about you give me a real answer this time as to why you’re being a dick?”

As Alaric sat next to Damon, who refused to leave him alone, he couldn’t help but be reminded of the events of that day. When he shot the vervain dart he told himself he hated how good that felt because it was true, he missed hunting. Spending years hunting, it became such a normal thing to go out and do because he felt like he had a purpose whenever he set out. But it was more than shooting the vervain dart, it was more than the power that surged through him knowing he was just a human that could take down a powerful supernatural creature; it was the idea of team badass being back together. Alaric would never admit that to Damon because, hell, he hardly wanted to admit it to himself. But he couldn’t deny that in that moment of working together like used to they were badass. But he couldn’t allow himself to dwell on the past because he had to let that go because that was another life and he wasn’t that same man anymore. That was the man who felt nothing but pain and he was happy now with his own family and a place he could finally call home. Elena once told him that he wasn’t a lost cause that he was just lost, and now he had a purpose in life to take care of his new found family, that’s why he didn’t want things to go back to the way things used to be. All he ever wanted was a place to call home and he believed he had finally found that so why would he want to risk that all by going back to a life where that could never happen.

“Right,” Alaric scoffs unable to look at Damon, “you’re not one to apologize even when you’re in the wrong. You wonder why people push you away, Damon.” When Alaric was a ghost, he was constantly looking out for Damon and the kids even when he was defenseless on the other side. Even then he knew he had to look out for his idiot best friend but now he couldn’t do that because Alaric knew he would only let him down. Everyone in his life always depended on him to look out for them because his loyalty was usually stronger than his fear. He was supposed to look after Elena and she wasn’t here with them. He was supposed to look after Jeremy and he let him go through with a hunting lifestyle. Alaric hadn’t talked to Jeremy in over a year in fear of him not answering his phone because then it would only prove his theory of him failing everyone he was supposed to take care of. Damon put himself into a sleep because Alaric hadn’t been there to stop him. Now that Damon was back, it was easier to push him away than to let him into his life again and have that fear of letting him down. With Caroline and his daughters, he hadn’t let them down yet and maybe those were the only people in his life that he wouldn’t fail.

“What do you want from us Damon? For us to drop a life we built up for you whenever you snap your fingers? We found a way to move on Damon because we all can’t stop living like you chose to do,” Alaric snapped turning towards Damon. Alaric couldn’t deny that reading Damon’s letter hurt him because he knew he wasn’t the same guy that Damon once knew. As much as Alaric wanted to be the guy that Damon could rely on, he just wasn’t the same Alaric anymore; pain does that to a person. He didn’t want to do this with Damon; he didn’t want to talk to him about everything happening in his life because talking about it all made it real. In his drunken state, Ric used to sit down and just talk to Damon as if he was sitting right next to him but now the real one sat beside him and he didn’t know how to respond. “Listen Damon, you’re talking like you know me, you knew the old me. The Alaric Saltzman you knew isn’t here anymore so why don’t you get back in your car and leave like I told you to earlier. I don’t want you here Damon, what part about that don’t you understand?”

blue neighbourhood meme.

Long Way to Before || dalaric

Damon Salvatore was tired and he found it ironic considering he had been deep in slumber for three years and yet ever since being up he found himself absolutely exhausted. All he wanted to do was head back into that coffin because as odd as it was he found that to feel homier than his actual home. Did home even exist for him anymore? No, he knew that answer because for Damon home wasn’t found in an object but a person. He had tried to do the noble thing by listening to Elena and living his life but countless reckless choices were enough to prove to him he was more of a hazard when trying to live his life. Then again he had known from the start that living his life wouldn’t work out considering his life was trapped deep in slumber. Most people would consider it unhealthy for someone to depend solely on one person and to live their life only for one person but that was the problem, Damon wasn’t just someone. Damon didn’t do normal and when it came to love he didn’t do it half assed, he’d love till it consumed him. Elena had consumed him and now her absence had consumed him, practically possessed him to the point he didn’t know which way was up and which way was down. Everyone around him had judged Damon for his choice, for choosing a coffin over life but for Damon when his eyes would fall upon the coffin he wasn’t seeing a coffin, he was seeing Elena. That’s why he found comfort in it. That’s why he felt soothed each time his eyes locked on it because when he’d run his hand along the oak lid of the coffin in his eyes he was running his hand along Elena’s cheek. Those around him though didn’t see it, they merely saw a coffin and from the way they made Elena an afterthought they pretty much treated the situation as if she was dead but to Damon she was alive and thriving.

For someone that was tired he didn’t get much of a chance to sleep it off or more so find time for himself because ever since being back he had been tossed into the supernatural drama that had once been his life and it wasn’t something he welcomed in open arms. Just like everyone he had encountered hadn’t been so welcoming at the sight of him. Obviously he had given them reason to not be pleased with him especially his recent choice of Stefan’s hunter’s mark being transferred onto him but at the last minute he had finally made the right choice only for it to blow up in his face. The spell hadn’t worked and his brother had been ‘dead’ giving him a first class ticket back to a royal mind-fuck. Valerie the Snobby Little Witchy Heretic had given Damon hell on how awful of a brother he was and though it hurt to hear he hadn’t paid mind to it considering he couldn’t give a rat’s ass about her opinion. Hearing those exact words come from his little brother’s mouth though had been a whole other story once again making Damon feel like crap.

If a person constantly hears how awful they are eventually they start to believe it and that included Damon. He’s the bad brother because he’s selfish, angry and impatient but no one seemed to grasp why he was those things. He’s selfish because he made the choice of slumbering in a coffin because the love of his life instead of staying beside his own brother. He’s angry because no matter how many speeches the poor bastard delivers nothing is enough for his loved ones to understand how lost and empty he is without Elena and he’s impatient because he has to wait sixty years well subtract three to finally get the girl again.

Part of him should be celebrating considering as horrible as this day had been some good had come from it since Stefan was back in his body and broody as ever but he found himself not in the celebratory mood as he went over tonight’s events. Out of all the people who had abandoned him he never would have thought Alaric would end up being one of them I accomplished all that because you weren’t in my life to screw it up thinking back to it now caused a lump in Damon’s throat to form. His pale and broken blues glancing down at the journal in his hands as he re-reads the words over.

I not only lost the love of my life but also my best friend, my brother and the rest of our loved ones. When I had lost Alaric I had you to turn to and now I don’t even have that. Everyone has turned on me. Everyone has given up on me and everyone seems to be free of me. Then they question why I chose a coffin over them.

With a soft sigh he closes the journal, tucking it like always safely away in his glove compartment. His gaze flicking up towards the neon sign reading ‘Flying Saucer’ lips pursed together still hesitant on if he should do this or not. For thirty minutes he had been parked outside the bar battling with himself on if he should go in or not. Alaric had given Damon Bonnie’s location but instead of seeking her out here he was trying to find the courage to step out of the car. There was no need to track Alaric because even after three years he still knew him well. He still knew after a day like today he wouldn’t be able to ignore the need for a drink which had led him right here. “This is ridiculous” he growls to himself, pushing open the driver’s side door, slipping out and locking the car behind him as he closes it. Walking towards the entrance he swings the door open, crossing through the threshold as his eyes scan for Alaric immediately spotting him at the bar. Sucking in a nervous breath before allowing that mask to cover his true feelings he approaches the bar “let’s see” announcing himself “if you’re sitting there then that would mean” eyeing each of the stools before moving to the left one “this would be my spot” he smoothly states as he takes a seat. Watching Alaric’s displeased expression but ignoring it “well between you and me I prefer the Grill” flashing him his signature smirk before summoning the bartender over and ordering himself a bourbon.  

Over the years, one thing that never changed, no matter how hard Alaric tried to quit, was the need to drink when he is in any sort of distress. He tried quitting once when Caroline said it would look bad if the kids saw him drinking all the time. Alaric was never one to be a role model but he decided to give it a shot, no pun intended, to stop his alcoholic ways. It only lasted a couple of weeks before he needed a glass of bourbon since he was scared of not being a good enough father. With Jeremy and Elena it was easier because they already knew who they were but now he was in charge of raising two beautiful girls from the beginning. That night, after many drinks, he found himself dialing Elena’s number so she could reassure him that he wasn’t as bad of a role model as he believed himself to be. When her phone went straight to voicemail he was struck by the nightmare that was his reality where Elena was in a coma like trance and wasn’t coming out of it anytime soon. As unexpected tears rolled down his face, he thought of calling Jeremy but he already failed at taking care of one Gilbert, he couldn’t hear how terribly he failed Jeremy too. Realizing he finished the entire bottle, he picked up his phone to call the one person he would always vent to. Before he could press the call button, Alaric was struck again by his nightmare reality that his best friend put himself to sleep so he wouldn’t have to live without Elena. What Alaric would’ve given to be able to put himself to sleep after the loss of all his loved ones and be a coward like Damon. Throwing his bottle against the wall, he was mad at how much of a coward Damon was being by choosing to not feel the pain Ric felt for years. Elena was coming back some day; Alaric never had that hope of his past lovers returning to him one day. Damon had a beacon of hope, even if it was dim. That night he never felt more alone in a place that was supposed to be home because nothing about it felt comforting. He didn’t remember much after that, but Caroline came to yell at him for waking up the babies. That night he blacked out with tears of pain for all that he has lost wetting the couch pillows. 

Snapping out of the memory of that hellish night, Alaric looked around remembering where he was. With a sigh he finished the rest of the bourbon in his glass before ordering another one to ease the pain he was feeling. A sense of warmth overcame Ric but not drinking all night warmth, the warmth of home overcame him and he didn’t know why. That was until the voice of the person he practically ran away from invaded his bubble. He didn’t try and hide the displeased sigh that came from his mouth or the roll of his eyes. “I know you were always bad at taking hints, but what part of go find Bonnie did you not understand?” he questioned looking over to his past drinking buddy. This situation made Alaric feel too nostalgic and it felt comfortable which made him feel uncomfortable because he wasn’t supposed to miss any of this. Back in Dallas, Alaric hardly ever attended bars due to the environment always feeling wrong so he usually drank alone in his office. What he didn’t want to acknowledge was the lingering feeling of something being missing. He could never pin exactly what was missing though, not until what he was missing was seated right beside him. With his past drinking buddy beside him, he no longer felt that sense of loss, everything felt the way it used to be. Not wanting to think about that, he turned to Damon once again asking, “Why are you here Damon? Shouldn’t you be buying apology flowers for Bonnie while you still have a chance at her forgiving you? At least then you can have a fraction of a chance of being forgiven tonight.”

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