Engage Snirbo Drive

I've seen military honors done in person a number of times but the dead silence after Taps fucks me up a little every time

Got a wake tonight for someone who was a huge part of my growing up. Was lucky enough to see him one last time just last year but it's still got me in a hard spot. The man lived a challenging life, had a history I can only speculate went to some really dark places, but he spent most of his life being an outspoken community member that really went out of his way for the youth. And shit, in an environment where plenty of monsters worm their way in to prey on kids it's hitting me just how valuable it was to have somebody so trustworthy to depend on. Glad I had someone like that in my life.

I certainly recognize it being close minded and defeatist to assume I can't aspire to do or be something at a later stage in life, but when 30 is edging closer and closer and I'm still inhabiting the same amateur kind of space I always have it feels mostly like cope and wishful thinking.

The whole great hypocrisy of claiming "you don't have to figure it all out in your youth" but then constantly impressing upon people through their whole upbringing that "actually you should" turns into a self abusing mess of doubt. And then here's also that fear of getting stuck in the same trap that devoured the first half of my 20s. The fear of trying to pursue something in full effort again knowing what failing again would be like is some harrowing shit. All that considered I'm not partial to the whole notion of a "late bloomer." I feel like there'd be a clearer sign of promise early on even in that case.

Oh staff actually being cringe for real this time huh

I've definitely mellowed out way more as of late but the spite and ambition never goes away, that shit gets baked in man, it's just as me as anything.

Having trouble juggling the thing with social media not really being tangible to my physical life but still being significant in expression and self determination. I'm not going to lie and pretend I don't turn to this as a substitute for a pretty disconnected and unsatisfying social life in the real world. Yeah, go outside of course, but that shouldn't be expected to provide a sense of belonging or significance in the same way exercise doesn't provide a cure for mental disorder. We can't answer the question directly because the shit is just that bleak

Been writing again. Used to years ago but it sucked. Not great now but I think it's at least passable. Don't know if I've got it in me to make an entire book but I've got a couple drafts that are slowly getting somewhere.

2023 Sketchbook Summary

It's full on evil the way capital interferes with every aspect of something as benevolent as gift giving. What you can afford and what others can afford and how that cycles back into self worth with income. And then someone tries to bring up the two cakes principle and I swear to fucking Christ, you can't seriously expect that to really change anyone's perspective for the better when the whole structure of society is hierarchical and all actions are deemed comparable as such whether consciously or unconscious.

My grandfather's lifelong friend died yesterday and it's only been like 5 months since I finished reading his book of memoirs he finished at the beginning of the year. Strange experience learning that much about someone and them just being gone the next day. Talked a lot about what the old neighborhood used to be like, for better and worse. Gave a bit of insight on the way my family's culture is but at the same time really showed how much a gap there is between me and that experience. Buddy was a cool guy.

Getting back into saxophone, gonna put some money aside to buy another tenor in a few months. I don't think I'm gonna take it as far as I am with guitar but it's been so long and I'm really regretting stopping after middle school