a town’s finest, i’m the top notch glamour chick

I am having such a hard time existing right now. Life is really hard, I am feeling extremely disconnected from people. I have lost two of the most important people in my family in two years and the grief is just so heavy right now. I didn’t think I would feel it this intensely with my uncle. I’m struggling but there’s not really anything I can do to fix it. I’m doing everything I can. I’m back in therapy and I’m on meds, I have some really good friends who are there for me. I guess things just have to hurt right now. The only way out is through.

I can feel myself starting to get depressed again. October has been really rough, I was SO sick for three weeks including a week that my dying uncle came to visit and concluding with a very bad experience with a weed/melatonin gummy. (Lol) I didn’t even realize it myself—I was telling my friend Ruth about something shitty that was happening, I can’t remember what, and she said “wow you’ve really had a rough few weeks.” And it hasn’t even occurred to me that I had been having a few rough weeks? I was just kind of pushing through so hard that I didn’t even notice it was all adding up. And now I’m realizing that my total lack of motivation this week is probably a little more clinical than laziness. It’s strange to me how I am so overwhelmed with gratitude every single day of my life because I never thought my life could be this good but now I’m also struggling to balance that with this bullshit depression that is starting to wiggle back in. Anyway I’m exhausted.

I’m being dumb, I know I’m being dumb, I’m so very aware of the reasons why this is dumb. But talking to them again after all this time feels surreal in a good way. What’s the name of this feeling that I’m feeling, I can’t put my finger on it. I never can.

Today is a whole year since my grandma died. How!!! Wish I had words to sound pretty and say what I feel but I’m still just in a state of ?!?!?!!? most of the time. It was cool to talk about her in therapy this week. I miss her friendship so much. I miss having someone who loved me so purely and without being clouded by addiction and secrets and negativity. Life is weird and shitty but I’m surviving.

I’ve lived alone for almost a whole month now, somehow. It definitely isn’t sustainable due to my income and I know my rent is going to go up in a few months, and then it will be really unsustainable, but I’m enjoying the peace and quiet so much now. But somehow I still feel very strange here in a way I can’t really describe. It feels like my home, but it’s hard for me to really comprehend that I can just invite anyone here without having to tell someone or ask permission? Or that I can decorate and clean and do everything how I want to do it without having to consider what other people want. Like I guess this is due to the first 32 years of my life living with either my parents or roommates but it’s really weird.

And also I can’t help but feel like everything is going to fall apart. Like my whole life has felt like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop or whatever the phrase is. And now it’s even stronger now that I’m fully out here on my own. Like I keep telling myself that I’m doing a good job and I’m managing everything, and it’s only going to get better from here. But when I look at my history and my parents, I see how things weren’t really well for them when they were my age, and things fell apart over time, and then when they were in their 50s they lost their home and all of their belongings. And what’s to say that’s not going to happen to me too? Is it worth me working towards a better life if I’m just going to lose it all later on? I know I’m not my parents. I’m not. I’m making better choices for the most part. I don’t have an addiction that controls my life like they both do (did in the past and still do now). But it’s still the only thing I’ve ever known. it’s hard to feel optimistic as much as I’m trying.

Semiannual bitching coming at you: having a really rough time at work lately and I know I’m putting way too much emotional energy into my job and my relationships at work, I know I have to set boundaries and stick with them. But at the end of the day, my job is all I have. And it’s so hard to separate myself from that because it’s the biggest thing in my life. The teacher I support is dealing with most of the same things as I am at work, but she leaves work and goes home to her husband and children and they take up the majority of her mental and emotional headspace, rightfully so. She always has that to distract her from work bullshit. But I come home from work and I have no one except myself and my cat, all I do is chores and cook and dick around the house by myself and continue to dwell on my work bullshit because I don’t have any productive interpersonal relationships to spend time on after work hours. I don’t know if this makes sense. Basically tl;dr I am fucking lonely just like all of the other pathetic posts I make on here. I am coming to terms with my asexuality and the fact that it severely limits my opportunities in life (harder to have children, having to have a roommate forever since I don’t have a partner to split the rent with, falling in love) but it doesn’t make the emotions hurt any less.

Important photos