Cpt. Jack Harkness

It’s the devil that’s tryna hold me down.

here’s the super mushy part that barely anyone reads. i’ll keep it short and sweet. i love all of my followers, but these guys will always have a special place in my heart. and you’re NOT ON THE LIST, i love you, too, you will always be amazing, i just couldn’t fit you in. 

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"Why should I trust you?

Because you always have.”

the doctor watched him stand and then swallowed a bit as he spoke. ‘that wasn’t my intention, i just….. i — i wanted you to understand the jealousy can’t be helped. it’s just  human nature, even time lord nature. th—-that’s all.” he spoke watching jack pace. “you haven’t been…been—lis-listening to what i’ve said. i am fine with you and gray, and i don’t care if it continues, i do not want you to…to cut off all your —” he  paused to suck in a breath as he dropped his gaze fidgeting  a bit. “i just wanted…wanted you to understand i can’t help the jealous but —- i am fine. i would…would never ask you to cut things off. just understand i don’t mean to get jealous itj ust… happens.” he spoke biting his lip before he let out a breath. “i never said you screwed up, or any of that….. and and…and — if you honestly think i want you to go, you really haven’t….haven’t heard a word i said.” he spoke, unable to help the stutter of words that flew out as he grew nervous he’d pushed his husband to far, that he might do something. “i get jealous….. i can’t…can’t help it…but i am okay and i do understand, all — all..all i need is a little reassurance when you …you come back,” he whispered quietly. fingers fidgeting in his lap. “i’ve upset you… i can— can…i can get gray, if. if  you want. he helps.” 

as the doctor let out his feelings in a stammering, almost nervous manner, jack felt this overwhelming sense of guilt build within him. “i don’t want you to get gray. and it doesn’t matter if i’m upset, i am the last person in this tardis that actually matters right now,” he muttered. after a moment, jack stepped forward and wrapped his arms around the doctor, holding him tight. “stop talking for a few minutes okay? just stand here, let me hug you, and breathe,” he whispered. jack rubbed his back slowly in order to try and comfort him. right now he needed to push back the hurt and guilt that he felt rising up within him in order to fix his relationship.  “i understand that you get jealous and i am sorry i haven’t given you the reassurance that you needed when I should have,” he whispered. jack tightened the hug, holding him close and kissing his head softly. “I know you say that you don’t mind if things with gray continue, but we are both married men and we know better than this so from now on nothing is going to happen and if it does, you and I are gonna talk about it and then at the end of the day,  the only person that I will be coming home to is you.”

he watched jack for a moment and nodded his head, “I understand it’s where you want to be, but it isn’t always where you are.” he spoke for a moment. he looked back to jack nodding his head, “i’m being childish.” he confessed slowly as he took in a breath. “i would never ask that of  you or gray, i understand you’re close, i just need you to understand it can make me a bit jealous and i miss you  that’s all… i just miss my husband when he’s gone, and long for a hug or a little reassurance after you’ve been with him, specially after the other night, my head gets….spinning. i don’t care if it continuous, i just don’t want to be forgotten, or made to feel bad because i get a bit jealous… or restless or  nervous even.” he spoke, “answer me honestly, look me in the eye…if i was with someone else, so close to someone else and i didn’t come home even when i said i might, wouldn’t you get just a bit jealous?” he asked. “at the end of the day all i needed was a hug, and to know you loved me too, and missed me too,  and to give you your present since i was unable, which i realize i still haven’t done, i’m sorry…. I really am awful.” 

jack swallowed hard and let out a slow breath as his husband spoke. “i’ll just cut contact with him, it’s fine,” he muttered. he stood up slowly and began to pace the room slowly. “were you trained in making people feel the full brunt of the guilt that was already lurking inside their minds? because you’re great at it,” he added as he pushed a hand over his head. “you know every time i saw you with rose, or heard her name mentioned after she was gone, i got jealous. so yeah i know how it feels which is why i’ll just cut off ties with gray.” he folded his arms over his chest and looked down. “i’m sorry i wasn’t here to give you a hug or to have dinner with you. i’m sorry for being a shitty husband when you deserve so much more. --and honestly, i’m not sure i can fix this because i can see how much i’ve screwed up.” he began to pace slowly, feeling anxious. “god how can you even stand to look at me? this fucking horrible husband of yours...god you’d have been better off falling in love with someone else on your journeys instead of the selfish con-man i was and apparently still am.” tears welled in his eyes and he shuffled, stepping back a bit. “should i just go?”

looking towards jack he nodded his head a bit knowing he had missed jack, and yes he’d been a bit jealous of what he had with gray and yes it made him a bit restless specially the night spent alone. he felt the hand against his cheek and looked up to him as he gave a faint nod. “i love you too.” he whispered. “yes… i’ll be fine.” he spoke finally as he met his gaze. “i’m sorry, i don’t mean to make it hard, or difficult or even for you to feel bad about it.” he spoke gently looking down. “sometimes sharing you, specially when I’m not there is… is hard. because i miss you, and an empty bed is — i’m sorry, i’m gonna be just fine.” he assured gently. “i just don’t want you to get bored of me…you’re all i have besides our kids you’re the only connection i have that’s so strong as what we have, or you and gray. i don’t know who i’d be if you left, or  bored of me.” 

jack nodded and glanced down towards the ground as his husband spoke. “i’m not going to get bored of you...i love you more than anything in the world and god if i have to tell you one more time that at the end of the night you are the one i want to be with forever, i might actually throw myself off a cliff,” he stated. “you are the one i chased for 150 years...the one i have loved since we met. and if that pure, all-consuming love isn’t enough for you, then i don’t know what is,” he whispered. jack squeezed his hand and let out a breath. “i’m not leaving you ever, not until the day you tell me you don’t want me around anymore. --as for gray ...well if you need me to cut off all contact except for a handshake just fucking tell me because I’d rather know than end up hurting you,” he muttered.

he rubbed a hand against his face before he moved to sit on the edge of the bed  next to jack. “it’s never very good when a conversation starts like that, but alright.”

jack swallowed hard and carefully took the doctor’s hand as he took the seat next to him on the bed. “look...i know that you’ve missed me and you feel jealous and betrayed because of what i did with gray, but babe this not sleeping thing is not healthy,” he whispered. he moved a hand to cup the doctor’s cheek and canted his head to the side sympathetically. “i love you...are you gonna be okay? because if you can’t say yes or soon, then i think i might be the problem and if i’m the problem then maybe you should consider not being with someone that doesn’t make you happy.”

“um… oh…sorry. — i don’t think so. not since this morning…not lunch  anyway. sorry.”

he sighed and looked down, sending a quick text to ask gray to feed the kids for him. “it’s fine, i’ve got it handled. --i think you should sit down. we need to talk about this,” he murmured as he sat down on the edge of the bed.

“i was listening… sort of.  sorry — lack of sleep. what were you saying?”

“Guess I shouldn’t have bothered speaking then. --i was just asking if you had fed the kids yet but based on this lack of awareness i’ll go with no.”