Hey Cowboy Jen,

I’ve followed you on tiktok for ages but just followed here so idk if you’ll see or answer this but…

Do you have any advice for healing from a breakup? About a month ago she decided we weren’t worth anything after 7+ months of happy, healthy love. This was my first and only real relationship and I thought we were both in it for the long haul. Her reasons and explanations contradict each other and her actions don’t align with the values she expressed to me and any sentiments she’s shared.

I just feel so broken and despite it being a moment since it happened, the days are not any easier to get through. I can’t listen to music which is normally my happy place… I can’t read my books because they contain romance. It’s just left me feeling at a loss in so many ways.

Do you have advice? Or even just a kind word… I have so much support in so many aspects of my life but I feel like I’m drowning regardless.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate it more than I can express 💕

Heartbreak in what felt like a healthy, happy relationship is wholly different than that which held red flags and warnings and unhappiness within it.

My break up with my wife of 17 years was fairly smooth. Romantic love was long gone, I can't remember it even existing and we both had arrived to a mutual point of wanting more out of life than surviving with each other. It still hurt and was hard to let go of 17 years of some good times and the comfort.

My most recent break up was due to circumstances that if we saw coming we ignored because we were (and are) deeply and passionately in love both as friends and romantically. We just had make the decision to focus and be grateful for the friendship and connection and put the chemistry and intimacy aside. I hurt daily. I miss her, every part of her, daily. It was sudden. We went from love and passion to The End very quickly and I did NOT see it coming. My heart and brain were all in and I believe hers were as well.

I am very sorry your relationship ended with little or no warning and it sounds like no real reason or closure. Sometimes there is no reason. Often in life loving committed relationships end and there is no explanation. That is hard because, as humans, we are programmed to want a beginning, middle and end to all stories, included those in our real life.

Try to understand that you can run through a thousand scenerios to figure out what happened and still not get it right. In the grand scheme of life, it does not matter. The result is the same. You are no longer with her and you now get to decide which direction to take your life.

Don't rush and don't fee the need to "move on" because that is not helpful for you or to another woman if you try to push through very real and hurtful feelings. You need time to heal so you don’t project those behaviors on a new person. 

What helps me is advice from an older lesbian during my first break up. Love and intimacy that did not last is NO less valuable or real or important that those that do. Sometimes love is for a short time but it was still love and still leaves us with memories that are warm and wonderful. 

Hugs from me to you.