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honestly she is serving looks

we seriously are not giving this enough attention like you just cannot take the Chanel Hysteria lipstick, the 100% authentic Tiffany & Co.™ pearl necklace WITH the matching set of earrings. got the 2016 Fall/Winter blood orange Yves Saint Laurent fitted evening gown. and the hair is laid. to. rest. finally you see that drink? thats most definitely a large and you know she got this all with her own munty h u n t y

Unauthorized Mario artwork with a paraphrased Bible quote, seen on the back of a vehicle in New York.

Huh

The fish tank is filled with a gas called sulfur hexaflouride, which is more dense than air. This gas is so dense you can actually fill a fish tank with it and then put an aluminum foil boat on top of it to give the impression that the boat is floating. He then scoops some of the heavier gas out of the fish tank and pours it into the boat. The boat fills up with the heavier air, and sinks to the bottom

The hell

Science is just witchcraft that can be explained… No one can tell me any different.

Gases act like liquids but the molecules are spread out further than liquids so we generally can’t see them or feel them. But they move like liquids.

One of the funniest things I ever experienced was when I went to go see John Mulaney live, and halfway through a bit about how expensive college in the States is, he looked down at the sleeve of his suit jacket and just. stopped. dead halt, mid sentence.

And after like three seconds, where we’re all trying to figure out the punchline because the story clearly hadn’t ended, and John Mulaney quietly says, “Has there been tinfoil on my buttons the whole goddamn show?”

He’d taken his suit to the drycleaner, and they’d wrapped the buttons on the sleeves and the coat with tinfoil to protect them, and John Mulaney didn’t notice until half-way through his set, and was SO FLABBERGASTED that he never did finish the story about college and instead did five minutes on how stupid it was that his buttons were reflecting the light and he just didn’t notice, and in that moment I understood more about John Mulaney as a person than I ever have.

during one of his portland shows, he noticed this like 7 year old girl in the front row and asked her (and her parents) if she ‘is aware that she is physically here right now’ or if she was just brought along. turns out her favorite john mulaney bit is the “and I’m new in town” bit and that she’s seen all his stuff. He was so shocked and discomforted by the fact a SEVEN YEAR OLD has seen his shows, that he couldn’t get through a bit about donating to charity without interrupting himself at least three times to import good life lessons on this small child, as if that makes up for all the horrible things he’s said that she heard

When I saw him in Ft. Lauderdale, there was a bar in the lobby that people kept leaving to go to. At one point, a guy in the front row just got up and BOOKED IT to get drinks. John Mulaney looked over at a woman who was next to the empty seat and asked, “Are you with him? What’s his name?”

She was, in fact, with him, and she did tell him her date’s name. John Mulaney considered this, looked around, and unplugged his microphone. Leaning in to us, he told us that we were going to trick this guy so fuckin hard. He said, “At some point during the show, I am going to stop and say, ‘Well, you guys know what they say here in Ft. Lauderdale,’ and then you guys are all going to scream back ‘WE LOVE MILKSHAKES!’ He’ll be so confused.”

He then continued on with the show as normal, the drinks guy returned to his seat, and that was that for quite a long time. We thought he had forgotten about it until, at some point during what I believe was his McDonald’s drive-thru bit, he shrugged his shoulders and said, “You guys know what they say here in Ft. Lauderdale…”

Naturally, we erupted with “WE LOVE MILKSHAKES” and John Mulaney SWUNG around to face the drinks guy and said, “I bet you’re real confused now, huh, JASON?!”

ah so john mulaney is a chaotic neutral cryptid

Send me messages

I’m bored and I’m back on tumblr for now

empty inbox smh you’re all fake fans

y’all know that john mulaney quote “the things crazy people say mean nothing to them but everything to me?”

every time i hear that quote, i think about how i got this light-up pen

i got this pen four years ago when i was working as a barista at starbucks. I was on the registers and taking the order of this woman, who ordered a nonfat latte, because she was “watching her weight”

so this guy behind her, whom no one was talking to, for some fucking reason says “wathing your weight? but what about the wait for your watch?“ (which is a completely unhinged response. like just complete Mad Hatter nonsense)

anyway this lady gets really uncomfortable and of the five people (me, him, her, the other checker, and the customer at the other register) who were now sucked into the uncomfortable silence, i decided that i should alleviate the tension by saying “you can’t wait for a watch; you don’t have the time”

and then he said “oh, quick girl!”, gave me that pen, got out of line, and left without ordering anything 

You pleased a mad fae trickster

Me

my phone

TOP BUN LETTUCE TOMATO CHEESE BURGER BOTTOM BUN

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i know ive said it before but

ive stepped on a rake 2 times in my life. the first time nothing really happened, so i thought the whole “step on a rake, it swings up and smacks you in the face” thing was a TV trope. the second time, the rake swung up and smacked me in the face. i have been played a fool by the rakes and have never let my guard down since

“Women shouldn’t curse.”

“Get fucked.”