knight of wands
This is beautiful 🤩
@cozyfoxy / cozyfoxy.tumblr.com
knight of wands
This is beautiful 🤩
the amount of dreams people have been having about dnp. you guys something's coming
Not this making me realize I’ve been dreaming about them for a bit 😂
this clip absolutely kills me you can see the EXACT moment in phil’s eyes where he shit bricks after dan said that 😭😭
He is so incredibly fond
A minute of Phil yelling at Dan (ish)
Dans laugh. His smile. His reaction. He looks at him with such delight and he still laughs lovingly with him. Don’t ever tell me love isn’t real 😂
Also, I am 🥰 at “in the cl-uh-ub” part. He’s so cute.
okay Dan…
Happy Dan is the best Dan 💜
A few of my favorite pictures of Phil
Working on TABINOF
They just really don’t give a fuck anymore huh? Like imagine this new video happening years ago… it wouldn’t. Also WHY DOES DAN ALWAYS STICK THINGS IN HIS MOUTH?! WHY IS HE SHOWING OFF?!
Nothing could have prepared me for @danielhowell deepthroating the microphone
Summary: As a child, Dan was easily frightened and needed comfort; that was when his Nana first gave him his Pooh Bear plush, as something that could keep him safe. Over the years, the plush became his absolute comfort, even into adulthood. When Phil comes into the picture, he makes Dan even more comfortable; through the good times and bad.
Genre: Fluff, slice of life
Warnings: A small fight, depression and anxiety
Read on AO3
The wind howled outside of Dan’s window, making the little boy bury himself underneath his blanket in fear. His parents had always reminded him that the darkness and the wind couldn’t harm him; but how did they know that for sure? The tree outside his window seemed to be clawing angrily against the glass, wanting to get in. Dan whimpered and jumped as a loud clap of thunder echoed throughout his bedroom, a flash of lightning soon following. The monsters were surely hiding in the darkness outside, waiting for him to remove his blanket, but he had to be brave.
It was time for Dan to be a big boy, he was even going to have a baby brother soon! From now on, he had to be brave enough to protect himself and his brother. The little boy took a deep breath and held it, slowly taking the blanket off his head and looking around his room. The loud noises continued outside; rain had begun to pelt the roof and window harshly and the wind had picked up again. Dan shook nervously, chewing on the sleeve of his pajama shirt to soothe himself.
“It’s not that scary…” Dan whispered to himself, seeing that his room was just as he had left it. His trusty Winnie the Pooh night light covered his bed with just enough light that no monsters would dare to come near him.
Dan slowly stopped shaking and suppressed a loud yawn. The wind still howled outside, rattling his window; but the light protected him. Everyone knew that monsters hated light, they only came out at night after all. The five-year-old yawned again before laying back down, pulling the blanket back over his shoulders. Maybe his mummy and daddy were right; the scary noises outside didn’t mean the monsters would get him. He allowed his eyes to close again and he nuzzled his cheek against his soft pillow. The noises outside seemed to fade a bit as he drifted back off into a gentle sleep.
A loud crash made Dan shoot up in bed, a loud scream for his mummy leaving his lips. He had opened his eyes, but he still couldn’t see. The darkness covered his room; making it difficult to even see his blanket that was still wrapped around him. The Pooh bear night light had gone out.
“Mummy!” he yelled again as tears filled his chocolate brown eyes. He was terrified. The monsters were going to get him; the light couldn’t protect him any longer.
He heard footsteps outside his door, making him shake harder in his bed. It had to be his mummy or daddy, right? It wouldn't be a monster, playing a mean trick… He quickly dove back underneath his blanket just in case.
“Oh dear Daniel, looks like the storm knocked the power out,” a soft, familiar voice came from the doorway.
“Nana?” Dan whimpered, poking his head out from under the soft blanket, tears still streaming down his face.
His nana smiled, turning on the torch in her hand before walking over to him, “Yes dear, your mummy went into labor! You're going to have a baby brother very soon! I came to look after you while your parents are at the hospital.” She explained, sitting next to him and holding him close.
Dan sniffled, burying his face into his Nana’s side. She smelled like flowers and his favorite cookies. His Nana was better than a nightlight, but he still felt afraid. What if she hadn’t come when he yelled? The monsters could still be lurking around them, waiting for the torch to go out.
“I’m sorry you got scared sweetheart, life can be very scary sometimes; even for adults like me! But I promise you it will be okay. The storm is moving up North now, and very soon, the sun will be up. It will be a brand new day.” She hummed, kissing the top of Dan’s curly hair.
Dan looked up at her, already feeling a bit better, “Do you pinky promise Nana? Pinky promise it will all be okay?” He asked, lifting his pinky.
She nodded and linked their pinkies together as they did quite often; a silent promise that everything was okay. That Dan would be safe. The scratching on Dan’s window from the moving tree slowly began to fade, and the rain seemed to stop as well, just a soft pitter patter against the roof.
“Now then, I was going to wait until your mummy and daddy got home, but now seems like a good time. I brought you a gift my dear.” Nana explained, laughing at how Dan’s eyes widened in excitement, all previous fear forgotten.
“Oh Nana! What is it?” The young boy asked happily, noticing at last that his Nana had something hidden behind her back.
His grandmother hummed softly, pulling a Winnie The Pooh plush from behind her back, handing it to the small boy gently, “A Pooh Bear for my favorite little bear!”
Dan gasped and squeezed the plush gently to his chest, nuzzling his nose into the top of its head happily. He felt completely safe now, even without his night light. The plushie was soft and comforting, and it smelled like his Nana.
“Now, when you get scared Daniel, give Pooh Bear a squeeze, you’ll feel much better,” Nana whispered, moving to help Dan lay back down in his bed. She pulled the blanket up to his chin, tucking him in carefully while humming a lullaby. “I love you sweet bear, now try and get some sleep before the sun comes up.”
“I love you too Nana,” the boy whispered before kissing her cheek.
Suddenly, a soft hum filled the house and Dan’s night light turned back on, causing the room to be filled with a new warmth and light. Nana smiled down at him as his tired eyes slipped to a close, the Pooh Bear clenched securely to his chest, “See? It’s all okay.” She whispered, rubbing her grandson’s back.
~
Dan ran into his room, slamming the door before sliding his back down against it, pulling his knees to his chest. He took deep, shaky breaths as he tried to calm himself; wiping the blood from his lip carefully. He hated school, he hated the kids that bullied him. He hated being Daniel Howell. Why couldn’t he just be normal? What made him so different from his classmates? He tried to keep to himself, to go unnoticed; but that never stopped them. He had told his teachers about the bullying, but nothing ever changed. He didn’t even think his teachers had tried to fix the situation. He could tell his parents, but he was embarrassed. At twelve years old, he knew that he should be able to defend himself.
He pushed his hair out of his eyes and took another deep breath, looking over at his bed where his Pooh Bear plush sat. staring at him as if it understood his pain. Dan slowly pushed himself up from the floor and climbed into bed, grabbing the plush close to his chest. He was safe. He knew that he was safe; but he was so scared. Life was so much easier when the only thing that he feared was the monsters that hid in the dark. But now, his monsters were able to walk freely in broad daylight.
Dan buried his face into the top of his plush’s head, taking a ragged breath. The plush was slightly worn from being cuddled so much. The yellow fabric that it was made of had faded in some places, and its left ear had a small tear in it. But to Dan, it was the most comforting thing to see after a bad day.
“Daniel! Nana is on the phone, she wants to talk with you!” Dan’s mum called from the kitchen, oblivious to what Dan was dealing with.
Dan wiped his eyes quickly with his hoodie sleeves before sitting up, setting his Pooh Bear gently onto his pillows again, “Okay mum, I’m coming!” He called, feeling proud of himself when his voice didn’t crack.
He walked down the stairs carefully, seeing his grabbing her car keys, “I’ve gotta go grab your brother from football practice, I won’t be long. I’m going to pick up pizza on the way home.” She explained, planting a kiss onto Dan’s cheek.
“Okay mum, I’ll see you when you get back.” He hummed, taking the phone from her hand and waving her off.
Dan sighed as soon as she was out the door and put the phone to his ear. “Hey Nana, how are you?” He asked, sitting on the kitchen island.
“Hello dear, I’m doing well. I’ll be heading back home in a couple of days. London is beautiful, next time you’ll have to come with me, yeah? How are you?” She asked happily, clearly excited to be talking with her grandson.
Dan smiled despite the heaviness that he felt in his heart, “That sounds nice Nana, I’m doing alright, not much is happening around here.” He hummed, looking outside at the sky.
His Nana seemed to be thinking before she said anything, “Bear, are you actually alright? You sound quite broken. What happened? Be honest.”
Dan’s heart seemed to leap into his throat and a cold pain shot through his stomach. Before he even had time to register what he was saying, he told her everything. He told her how he was being bullied, how he was scared to go to school and even how he hated being himself. He cried to his Nana, feeling like a little kid again; just needing to be told everything would be okay.
His Nana stayed quiet until he was finished, “Oh dear, I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with that. Trust me, I know how cruel children can be. You did the right thing by telling me, and I will call the school in the morning. This will not happen again.”
The boy nodded, wiping his eyes against his sleeve, “Thank you Nana… I’m just so embarrassed. I should be able to handle it on my own. I’m nearly a teenager!”
“No one should have to face their monsters alone, no matter the age. I wish I could be there now, but I’m afraid your Pooh Bear will have to do for now.” She chuckled, “But as soon as I’m back on Saturday, we can have a heart to heart and figure out how to deal with your monsters. I love you Bear, call me if you need me.” His Nana hummed, waiting for him to say his goodbyes before she hung up.
Dan took a deep breath again before heaving himself off of the island; going up to his room and cradling his stuffed bear against his chest. Maybe it was okay to talk to his parents about the bullies; they loved him after all, they would just want to help. He slowly lay down on his side, still cradling his Pooh Bear like it was a life line. His Nana would help; things would be okay again.
~
Dan stared out the train window silently, his knee bouncing nervously in place as the world flew by. Today he was finally meeting his best friend for the first time. After countless skype calls and even more messages back and forth, he was finally going to meet Phil face to face.
It didn't quite feel real, almost like he was having a dream as he watched the colorful autumn trees pass by from the train car. He was actually meeting the man that he had looked up to, had admired even before he first interacted with him. His body buzzed with excitement; and yet, his monsters still lingered. They reminded him not to get too comfortable, that Phil might not even like him. Hell, Phil might even regret asking to meet up.
The eighteen year old sighed, reaching into his backpack and squeezing his Pooh Bears paw anxiously. Dan knew that he was being dramatic; he knew Phil wanted to meet him. But he just couldn’t understand why anyone would want to be his friend. He was awkward, annoying, stupid and childish. He wasn't even able to make the journey to meet Phil without his favorite plush to support him. An adult shouldn’t need a child’s toy to feel secure enough to do things.
A part of Dan worried that Phil would mock him for having his Pooh Bear with him, but Dan knew that wouldn’t be the case. Phil knew about the stuffed bear, and what it meant to Dan. He had actually been the one to remind the brunette to bring his comfort plush; Phil had wanted to make sure Dan was as comfortable as he could be.
All too soon, but also not soon enough, the train came to a shaky stop at the platform, everyone around beginning to stand and collect their things. Dan gulped and stood up as well, swinging his backpack onto his left shoulder. This was really happening.
As Dan followed the other passengers off of the train, he began to worry that Phil might have stood him up. Maybe this was some kind of elaborate prank; maybe Phil was just joking about meeting in person. No one would actually want to be around someone as bland as Daniel Howell.
Dan bit his lip while he stepped off of the train, looking around quickly. He already felt nauseous and his head seemed to be under water. People shoved passed him, uttering “excuse me” while he stood in the middle of the chaos. He glanced around again before deciding to find a bench to sit down on; he felt like he might pass out, and he really didn’t want to do that surrounded by people.
As soon as he saw an empty bench, he all but ran towards it. He sat down with a sigh before grabbing his Pooh Bear from his bag; cradling it in his lap. Normally, he would be too embarrassed to have the bear out in public; but today, he needed the comfort. He rubbed his thumb over the familiar torn ear of his bear and closed his eyes.
“Dan!” a familiar voice called, making the brunette gasp and open his eyes. Suddenly, it felt as if all of his worries melted away.
“Phil,” he heard himself whisper as the slightly taller man moved in front of him, pulling him into a gentle hug.
“I can't believe you’re really here! I have so much planned for us, you’re going to love it. You'll never want to leave. Do you want me to carry your bag? I’ll carry your bag. Just hold onto Pooh Bear.” Phil rushed, taking Dan’s backpack from him before pausing and taking Pooh Bear’s paw in his hand and shaking it politely, “Nice to finally meet you Pooh, Dan has told me a lot about you. I wonder if he’s told you about me.” Phil smiled playfully, his tongue sticking out slightly to one side.
Dan couldn’t help but giggle as Phil guided him away from the train platform by wrapping an arm around his shoulders. All of the worries that had plagued his mind on the train disappeared; like the monsters running from his childhood night light. Phil was such a bright light in Dan’s life that he scared away the monsters who lived inside the brunette’s mind.
~
Dan had only been home from the Lesters for a little over ten minutes when he realized his luggage didn’t feel quite right. He was missing his Pooh Bear. His brown eyes immediately filled with tears as worries crawled their way into his mind. Had he left his plush on the train? He wouldn’t have done that, he didn’t even have Pooh out on the train. He had to have left it with Phil.
As if on cue, Dan felt his phone going off in his pocket, “He-hello?” he hummed, trying to fight back the pain in his voice.
“Hey Danny, I just wanted to tell you that you left someone behind, Pooh was left in my bed. I can hop on a train in about an hour and bring him back to you, yeah?” Phil offered over the phone, a gentleness in his voice.
Dan smiled softly, despite his worries. Phil would have taken a train to Dan, just to make sure that he and his comfort plush would be reunited, just to make sure that Dan would be okay.
“You don’t need to Phil, I’m coming back in a week, I can grab him from you then.” Dan whispered, still not trusting his voice.
Phil nodded slowly, though Dan couldn’t see him, “are you absolutely sure you’ll be okay without him? I really don’t mind bringing him to you. I know you haven’t slept without Pooh since your Nan gave him to you.”
Dan’s heart jumped a bit at Phil’s words and his worried tone. Phil actually cared, really just wanted Dan to feel content and safe. It was a wonderful feeling. “I’m sure Phil, but I might be wanting to video chat a bit more than normal. I’m getting better at facing my monsters, but it’s easier when I have you.” Dan admitted in a shy whisper.
“That’s okay with me! I love our chats anyways, and I will take care of Pooh; I promise.” Phil said with a smile.
The week without Pooh was a bit difficult for Dan, and he found himself sleepily searching for the plush as he dozed off every night; but Phil made it better. Over the week, Phil had sent Dan Pictures of his Pooh bear doing miscellaneous things like waking up in the morning and helping Phil’s mum make pancakes. Of course, Kath was smiling widely in the picture. He also sent pictures of the stuffed bear editing a video and hanging out with Phil’s favorite lion plush. It really made Dan feel safe and at peace, even without his comfort toy.
The night before Dan would be going back to Phil’s again, he received a new photo of Pooh sitting beside Phil’s laptop, a timer counting down the time until Dan’s arrival on the screen. It had made Dan tear up a bit, knowing that he was going to not only get his Pooh bear back soon, but that he would be seeing his comfort person as well.
~
A few years later, Dan was sitting on his bed with Pooh Bear clasped tightly against his chest while he sobbed. It felt like he couldn’t do anything right anymore. People seemed to be able to get into his head, even if they hadn't meant to. No matter what he did or didn’t do, he was still the problem. He was still a liar, a fake, a bad person. He didn’t deserve his fans, he didn’t deserve happiness. He didn’t deserve Phil.
The secrets that were hidden so deep inside of him, wanted nothing more than to be let out. He wanted to tell the world what Phil meant to him, what he meant to Phil; but he just couldn’t. He was so angry, at himself and the people around him. Why couldn’t he just be himself? Why couldn’t people just leave him the fuck alone? Why did they feel like they needed to know exactly what he was thinking? Especially when he rarely knew what he was thinking himself.
A soft knock sounded on his door, “Dan please come out. I know it’s a lot, but we can talk it out. We can figure everything out and work together. Please Danny. I just want you to be okay again.” Phil said calmly from behind the door.
When Dan didn’t reply, Phil opened the door and stepped into the doorway, “Oh Dan… I’m so sorry that this is happening okay? It’s absolute shit and I’m sorry, I wish I could fix it all but I can’t. I just want to make sure you’re okay.” Phil rambled, making Dan’s chest tighten in hurt and anger.
“Fuck off Phil, okay?! I am sick of you trying to fix things, you’re always trying to fix me and make me feel okay, but I never will. Especially not now! I just want to be left alone. I’m so sick of never feeling good enough and trying so damn hard to make everyone around me like who I am. I’m so fucking sick of you! Just get away from me!” The brunette screamed, throwing whatever was closest to him at Phil in a blind rage before slamming the door in Phil’s face and locking it. He ignored the hurt behind Phil’s eyes; he couldn’t face that now.
Dan heaved himself back onto the bed angrily, searching for his Pooh bear before gasping fearfully. He had thrown his plush at Phil, pretty hard too. The plush was old and beginning to fall apart; but he threw it across the room. It was locked outside in the hallway with Phil. Dan had nothing and no one to comfort him now. Not that he deserved it.
“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry” Dan cried into his pillow, though no one was around to hear him.
The monsters in Dan’s head seemed to be relishing in the fact that he was already so broken, reminding him how much of a failure he was and would always be. Reminding him that he had so much more than other people, and yet he was still wallowing in his own misery; he was weak and stupid. Selfish, so damn selfish. He had hurt one of the most loving people in his life. Phil didn’t deserve that. No one deserved that.
Dan took his phone out of his pocket with shaking fingers and called his Nana, feeling almost instantly calmer when she picked up the phone.
“Hello bear! How are you doing my love?” She asked, a smile clear in her voice.
Dan shook his head and swallowed thickly, “not so well Nan. Phil and I got into a fight. Well, not really a fight but I was so mean to him. I yelled terrible things at him Nan, I’m sure he hates me now. I messed up so badly and I just don’t know what to do.” he cried, trying to soothe himself with no success.
His Nana listened calmly, waiting for him to finish, “oh dear. Sounds like you’ve been struggling, yeah? It’s hard when you have so many confusing feelings; they start to overflow. When a dam breaks, it doesn’t care where the water goes or who it hurts; it just needs to let that pressure go. Much like anger.”
Dan wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, sniffling quietly to himself for a moment, “that’s what happened… I wasn’t even angry at him, everything just feels like too much lately. So many people expect so much from me, but I can’t keep up anymore. It’s too much. And now, Phil probably hates me. I threw my plush at him Nan, he has Pooh Bear. He could tear him to pieces to hurt me. And I would deserve it.” he whimpered as more tears came.
“Now now love, you don’t really think that he would do that; that’s your anxiety speaking, not you. I believe you know exactly what you need to do, you’re just not quite ready to talk to him, yeah?” his Nana asked patiently.
“No. I’m not ready to face him yet. I don’t know if I can look him in the eyes now, not when I hurt him like I did. A part of me hopes that he does hurt Pooh Bear, I deserve to have him hurt me like that. But I know he won’t do that, he’ll hug me and tell me it's okay like he always does. I don’t understand how he does it, Nana. I don’t know how he puts up with me.” Dan said quietly, picking at a loose thread on his shirt.
His Nana laughed quietly, warmth filling her voice, “That’s the beautifully crazy thing that we call love, honey. It’s very strange but also wonderful and scary at times. You and Phil will get through this, I know you will. Just be patient with yourself, yeah? Time will heal and the pain and fear will be forgotten. One day, this day will be just another chapter in your love story.”
Dan smiled slowly, slowly feeling as if he could breathe better than before, “Thank you Nan. I really needed that. I’m sorry for bothering you about this. I just know that you always say what I need to hear.” he chuckled to himself.
“Of course love, and it’s no bother at all; you should know that by now. Now, try and get some rest. You’ve had a hard day, and tomorrow will be better. Think of it as a clean slate. I’m going to head to bed dear, you should as well. And don’t be afraid to go to Phil. I love you.” His Nana said confidently, making him smile again.
“I will Nana, I promise. And I love you too. Have a good sleep.” he said before they both hung up and he stared at his locked bedroom door. It was keeping the outside world out but it was also keeping him away from Phil; the person he needed so desperately right now.
Dan sighed and bit his lip before standing up and slowly opening the door. On the floor beneath him, he saw his Pooh Bear sitting on the carpet; a folded note between his paws. Dan bent down and picked up his plush, hugging it gently before unfolding the note.
"Dan,
I know things are scary right now. I know how much you’re hurting, how betrayed you feel by everyone around you and how much you hate everyone; especially yourself. I know that you didn’t mean what you said and I forgive you; no need to apologize. When you threw Pooh, his arm tore a bit but I sewed it back for you. He’s as good as new! Whenever you’re ready to talk, my bedroom door is open. I love you more than anything, we will get through this together. You never have to face your monsters alone.
Love, Phil."
P.S. Please always remember, “ You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
Dan smiled tearfully and hugged his plush once again before shoving the note into his pocket. Phil still loved him, even after how he acted. He took a deep breath and began to walk to Phil’s room, fighting through the anxieties in his mind and the cruel words that his monsters had said earlier. As long as he had Phil, he could face anything. No matter how scared he was.
~
“Phil! I finished editing the new gaming channel video. Where are you?” Dan called, looking for his boyfriend through their house.
Years had passed them by. Lots of memories, a few tours, and a few books later; they were still side by side. They had just recently revamped their abandoned gaming channel and made it more them, rather than catering to what they thought their audiences might want. They had their own forever home, no longer living in flats with landlords that they had to deal with or loud noises from the outside. Both men felt more at peace than ever before.
They still kept their lives private online, but they were both more authentically themselves; it made their fans relate to them even more and they were surrounded by so much love. Dan hadn’t felt the need to cradle his Pooh Bear in over a year now; now that he had Phil.
The brunette rounded the corner, walking into the kitchen for a coffee; seeing that a steaming cup had already been made. He walked closer to the mug and noticed a sticky note attached to it; his name written carefully on it with a heart. Dan chuckled to himself and shook his head, taking a sip of the coffee.
His face twisted slightly in distaste of the plain coffee. Phil had forgotten the sugar. Dan smiled and turned to the small coffee station of their kitchen to grab some sweetness for his coffee; seeing his old Pooh Bear propped up with a small bag in its paws.
Dan's brows furrowed in confusion as he set the mug back down, picking up the small bag from his plush instead. The tag on the bag said ‘To my Bear’ in Phil’s handwriting. Dan couldn’t help but roll his eyes fondly at the situation before reaching into the bag and pulling out a folded note in which he quickly opened.
Dan,
I am a little surprised that this worked, but I’m glad it did. The moment that I met you, I knew that you were going to be my person. Your smile always lights up my day, and your laugh makes me forget every single fear that I’ve ever had. When I’m with you, it feels like we’re in our own little world, like nothing else matters. I know that with you, we can do anything, we can be anything and we are strongest together. I truly can’t imagine my life without you, and I don’t want to. You have changed my life in the most beautiful ways possible, and I want to always be yours and for you to be mine. So…turn around.
Love, Phil
Dan blinked back tears with a smile and slowly turned around, gasping when he saw Phil on one knee behind him with a shy smile on his face and tears in his eyes.
“Dan, as soon as I saw you; I knew a grand adventure was about to happen. I want to keep this adventure going for the rest of our lives; maybe even after. Daniel James Howell; will you marry me?” Phil asked, smiling shyly.
Dan giggled quietly as tears fell down his cheeks and onto his shirt before collapsing into the floor; wrapping Phil into a tight hug.
“Of course, I’ll marry you. I love you more than anything.” Dan whispered before both men laughed and fell completely to the floor. In that moment of pure bliss, Dan knew that he had found his person, his comfort, his light. And he would never have to face his monsters alone; ever again.
i had to gif sprigatito from the POKÉDANCE video
Everyday Sunshine