For Muse

  “Doesn’t have a thing to do with it being gay.” He says in a mumble, his hands over his face now, not being able to look at his friend after his admission. “I’m just not used to it and too overwhelmed to deal with…sex stuff. I have no experience and…I wouldn’t know what to do." 

He can’t believe he’s admitting all this to Tonny of all people. He’s waiting for the ribbing to begin, or for Tonny to call him a ‘fag’ but it doesn’t happen, at least not yet. 

"You don’t need to apologize. You didn’t know. It’s alright.” He says this and takes a look at his friend who’s looking at the tv, thank God. Lenny is only going to admit so much, he’s not going to go all the way and tell Tonny how sexually attracted his is to him. He doesn’t want to catch a smack or worse, lose his friend. 

“ Ok, ok i’ll stop it.” Tonny gets up, approaching the tv which’s sound was loudly blasting the obscene noises coming from the naked woman. Tonny cocked his head to the side, appreciating the way the blonde was getting fucked. Man, what he’d do to get away from the situation he was now having to handle with Lenny. After all, Lenny was a fag, but he was his friend. A cool friend at that. This was a whole new place for the pusher. “Didn’t mean to… y’a know..” The older man, switches off the tv the moment the male ejaculates on the the female’s lower body. God, Tonny needed a good fuck to forget how to deal with this information. 

“Please don’t tell anyone else. The guys they would never let me live it down. Just forget I said anything.” He feels hurt and alone again, trusting his sexual secrets to anyone was a bad idea. Should have just kept it to himself. It may be in his own mind, but he feels like he’s fucked something up with his friend, or that he’s now being looked at with disgust and reproach. 

“Excuse me a minute.” He says suddenly, getting up and going to this small bathroom as fast as he can, shutting and locking the door behind him. Grateful for the time to breath alone. 

He is content just to stay here, and maybe Tonny will get tired of waiting and leave. Never should have said a thing, the one time he did and now it’s all blown up in his face. He feels something like panic bubble up in his chest and tried to repress it. “You can leave if you like.” He says through the door, trying to sound normal. 

“ I wasn’t going to say shit..” Tonny replies, mildly offend his friend would think he’d run his mouth to all the boys. He’s even sure, even high and drunk nothing would slip his lips. The dudes, might  get a little…violent with Lenny, and make it even tougher than he already is on himself. The junkie, doesn’t want that to happen. So of course he won’t say a word.  “ Sure…” The young man settles down on sofa, trying to find what to do with himself. He flicks channels to find if there’s any match tonight. But Lenny, takes longer than expected. So he plays with the wooden weapon again until it threatens to break something.  He hears Lenny’s voice, and lowers the tv. Hesitating to get up and get closer to the door, the pusher stays sit, replying to the cinephile. ” Nah, i’m fine, there’s a match on Tv.” Tonny, doesn’t want to look like a jerk to his friend. Maybe if he pushes the fact far far far from his mind, it will just disappear and things will go back to, what it was before. 

slennythequietone:

Tonny leans against the wall, after avoiding the nun chuck in his face. He lowers the weapon and watches from a far the football game on Lenny’s small tv. Of course, he won’t move. Why should he? Lenny has a couch, it’s small but he can fit in it. Plus, Ø wanted some alone time with that bitch he’s going to marry.

Beats staying here than in the cold streets of Copenhagen wondering all night to try and find a decent spot to sleep for a few hours.

“ Come on, dude. You’re gonna miss us scoring!” He says excitedly as the player gets closer to the goal. 

The pusher had never thought of Lenny more than a friend. If he did he sure as fuck wouldn’t have said shit to anyone. That’s just how it worked around here. Not that he had any problems with others being...that. Tonny knew all to well what would happened if he was like Lenny. His fake assurance and ego was crushed each time he set a foot outside that door.

“Are you ok?” He asks lowering the sound even if he really wants to ignore what is happening tonight.

“Getting a head start in his education is the very first and most important step to ensuring he has a good life. He is smart, very smart. You’re doing a good job. He’s mannerly, polite, very attentive in class, probably more so than any of the other kids. He loves to learn, he thinks it’s fun.” Lucas loves it when his students are eager to do more than just have juice packs and nap time. 

Lucas smiles at his confession about the diapers, “Fucking diapers indeed.” He says and smiles in his small way. “It’s all a learning process, everyone goes through it. I was young and stupid once, I know the feeling.” Lucas even used to work at a gas station himself until Marcus was born and he decided he needed to do more with his life. 

“What else would you like to know? Anything about the class or the other teachers? I can do my best to put your mind at ease that your little one is in good hands when he’s not with you.”

Tonny looked up at the teacher as he spoke so fondly about his kid. It was true that Tomas, seemed more happy to go to this school, and he was always blabbering about Lucas, his nice teacher, who told the best stories just before nap time. The young father, didn’t pick up on the subtle compliments Lucas was giving to Tonny about the way he had educated Tomas. He had always tried his best to make the kid not like him.

“ Fucking complicated, man.” His eyes looking around the classroom, which was just as filled with drawing than his small flat. “ You got a kid?” Of course he did, the ex pusher mentally slapped his own head.

“ Nah, should be fine. Thanks.” He gets the queues that it’s his time to leave. It’s time for work anyways. “ Tomas’ likes it here, anyway.”

                             Berto wants to wail, to scream and struggle - but he sags into the embrace. He feels predictable - hysterical and typical. He hates that it’s that easy - that any simple or vague declaration is enough. But they both know it is.

Berto’s hands grip tight at Tonny’s sweater, afraid he might fall if he let’s go. He makes a mess - tears and snot pooling into the softer fabric over the pusher’s shoulder.

He wants to say ‘I love you’. He wants to say ‘I know you love me’ He offers the only thing he knows is ‘safe’ enough to say -

“I know you do…..” It comes out weak and small - like it’s a stupid thing to ever be skeptical about. It says 1000 things he knows only Tonny would ever hear. ‘I know you do. I never doubted that. Even when you are afraid to say it. But I’m afraid of other things. I’m afraid of loosing you. I’m afraid to be alone. I’m afraid when you aren’t holding me.’

He sobs and he sniffs and he nuzzles that hidden spot between neck and ear - that point where Tonny smells just like Tonny and there isn’t any other smell in the world - and then he feels guilt.

Did he think Berto wanted to find this point on someone else? Did he think someone else could be close enough to this point on Berto? 

“I’m sorry……..But I wasn’t lying….” And Berto’s lips are wet from crying - grazing salty skin as he whispers against the shell of an ear “…..Only your cock Antony….”

The so needed words won’t come roll off Tonny’s tongue. They might never will, because of so many reasons, so many voices telling him this isn’t right. His excuse of father would break all ties left. And Tonny would never ever be able to show his face at the garage. Maybe Ø would be more accepting? The pusher chokes down a chuckle.

Frank, he would have understood. But he left. Left Tonny, trying to clean up the fucking mess he putting him in. Not that it actually got cleaned up.

The bald man’s mind is going in every direction possible. Thinking of the past, the mights and consequences of all of this. But fuck, if he looses Berto, he doesn’t what he’ll do, and that’s what frightens him.

His arms pull the not so fragile man closer to him, as he breathes in his smell. It anchors him, calms him, and he doesn’t wish to loose him for some shitty cocksucker.

The wet lips send small shivers through his body. Only Berto seem to wake his body so quickly.

“ Only the cock of the king of cocks.” 

                                                     He jokes lovingly, his lips pressing against the                                                      curly headed boy. One arm still holding him                                                      close while the other snakes down to squeeze                                                      Berto’s ass.

“ Don’t touch my fucking balls, man. Like, just get out of the fucking bathroom, get out of the flat if i’m singing too loud for you to handle.”

                                   “summers got the fucking colors.”

❝ You want me to leave my own    fucking flat so you can continue    to perform a banshee’s fucking    mating call? No fucking dice. ❞                     ❝ Keep it up and I’ll give you a                                              fucking reason to howl. ❞    

“summers..-”

            “ happy? can i finish washing or?“

                                                    “ would you like to add something to my song?

❝ Yeah well tell the king of cocks,    I’ll fucking   castrate   him if his    howling screws up business for me. ❞

“ Don’t touch my fucking balls, man. Like, just get out of the fucking bathroom, get out of the flat if i’m singing too loud for you to handle.”

                                   “summers got the fucking colors.”

Roberto had never been very good at concealing any immediate emotions, pleasure or embarrassment with apple-red flushing - wild facial expressions counteracting excitement - and now - black sharp eyes, angry and ready to move.

It almost looks as though Berto could pounce, throw his fists and scream - but instead - something so honest to his personality - his eyes well fast and heavy - tears pooling fat in the corners and falling wet down his soft cheeks. The distracting reaction stills the air for a split second - surprising them both - he pounces anyway.

“I’M NOT EASY ! NOTHING ABOUT BEING ME IS EVER EASY.” His voice cracks. The small balled fists barely make any impact against the broader chest but Berto keeps trying.

“WHY WOULD YOU CARE ?! IF I HAVE ANY REPUTATION IT’S DEFINITELY YOUR FAULT - SOME SAD PATHETIC HOLE IN THE MATTRESS YOU NEEDED TO FEEL LIKE A BIG MAN ON THE INSIDE !! ….Why would anyone care about a hole…”

The watery eyes, and the desperate hits against his chest, he doesn’t move. Frozen by how Berto lashes out. So raw. Sometimes Tonny envies the boy’s capacity to show the real him. The pusher had to conceal how he felt at all times. It makes you look weak, when you show.

                                                      big boys Men don’t cry.

He takes hold of the small fist in tight grip, but not enough to hurt Berto. He never wants to hurt him, yet... No one can know about them, about this. Tonny already has a shitty rep. He’s taken as a joke. And the care he holds for Berto will also, be taken as joke, or will put them in the ranks of the rejected.

“Fucking calm down.” Tonny pulls the boy closer to make sure he’ll stop the hitting.

                                 It feels more like an embrace, like a hug which tries to bring                                  comfort, reassurance that Berto is more than just hole.

“ I fucking care, alright?” He whispers the confession into the curly locks.

“Oh, like I give a shit what the cunt thinks of me! Let him worry about his own pathetic life and leave me with my ass shaking tales of debauchery. Did he fucking say something to you !? About me ??!”

Berto yanks the cigarette from his lips and flicks it to the ground - his frustration jealousy growing quickly. Dangerously.

“If he’s feeding you bullshit about where my ass belongs tell him not to worry ! I’ll make sure it fits snugly over your cock - only your cock - I can tell him that - should I talk to him for you ??? Clear it all up?”

“ Tales of debauchery?”                                       His eyes blazing with contained anger. Trying to pass it                                       as a cool indifference but its boiling inside. Jealousy.                                       Something he has never felt before. He wants to keep                                       the boy all to himself. But that would mean admitting                                      how he felt.

“ Right fucking there says it all. He didn’t have to tell me shit. Everyone’s talking. Even the whores.”

                                  Tonny stares at Berto, his teeth grazing as he sees the cig,                                   thrown to the floor.

And those words laced with threats.                                 The pusher looks at the boy with murdering eyes.

“ Don’t clear it up. You have a reputation of being, easy. Not my fucking fault, don’t know why i should                                                                                    care.”

canismashyourtv:

❝ How much have you blazed today?    I could be  half way  around the    fucking planet, the incessant wailing    would still reach my ears. Sounds like    a fucking cat in heat. Shut your mouth. ❞

“ I don’t blaze.” He replies in monotone voice, the happy slowly stripped away, as he remembers the last time he did do blaze.

“Summer’s got the colooor.” Tonny hums at the same time as the singer on the radio. “ Not cat in heat, King of cocks.”

❝ As  much  as  I  fucking  enjoy    a  free show,  how about you    quit  your  fucking  screeching?    I’m on the phone, it’s important. ❞

“ I have the voice of a fucking angel. Go on the phone far from me in the shower then.”

Berto’s eyebrows worry as he drops his gaze - chewing his lip and concentrating on the laces of his shoes.

“I wasn’t shaking anything… and if I was….why would you care…” 

He huffs out the smoke of the cig trying to hid his frustration. His frustration or jealousy? He’ll never admit to jealous.

“ I didn’t say i care...i said i saw you..”

“ Shake it all you want, i don’t want to hear the cunt say shit to me about it.”

“ I see you.”

bertobellini

Roberto reclines back, stretching his t shirt just enough to flash the pale skin of his hip, the sag of his snug jeans & creeping flush from his belly to his cheeks.

“What do you see?”

Tonny’s gaze lowers a second to watch the teasing display. Of course he was going to put a little show on. Trying smooth down the edges.

“ You shaking your ass in everyone’s face.”

☠ ‘We’re getting rid of this’. The sentence ricocheting around his skull, leaving his thoughts cloudy and the blood rushing in his ears filling the silent car with the sound of only white noise and his own heavy breathing. Everything was progressing so fast. One fucking week had barely passed before Nigel had twigged on to Tonny’s nature, less than six days since the drug lord had switched out the suppressants and now this. Obviously the pusher was pissed and rightfully so but when the younger man had practically clawed his clothes off and sank down so effortlessly onto his cock how could he say no? No alpha in their right mind would. ☠ Breaking out of his reverie Nigel brought the engine purring to life reluctantly. This was his first fucking child, planned or otherwise, he had no intentions of getting rid. Perhaps after the shock wore off Tonny would listen to reason, perhaps not: only time would tell and right now the drive from A to B was all Nigel had. So with bated breath the silver haired man sat anxiously in the driver seat awaiting Tonny’s wrath.

Tonny’s mind couldn’t produce any coherent thoughts. So thinking about the coincidence of these events were far far far away. The pusher always made sure to hid his nature, because of the same it brought his father and in the world he lived in. His blackmarket suppressants had the tendency of enhancing his libido but sometimes suppressing it all together. 

His heat was all a blur. And he rather keep it like that. He didn’t want to embrace his nature, if anything he would have been contented with just beta. 

The omega sat beside the druglord in silence, under shock of it all. He could not, would not give birth to any kid. He wanted to be left alone, especially since he escaped the grasp of his Father, by it ending in blood.

The drive was uncomfortable for Tonny, not at all at ease around the Alpha who had done this to him. 

[text]  Can’t afford better.

[text]  Depends the time. Can’t skip work. 

[Text:] If you need help finding a new place you can let me know, Tonny. You know I’m there to assist you when I can. For yours and Thomas’ sake.

[Text:] Well, that would be lovely. I think we can handle a few kids for an afternoon. Let me know your work hours and I’ll be sure to work around them.

[Text:] What time do you get off work tonight? Care for a late, late dinner?

Tonny looked at the message for a long moment. He wasn’t one to ask for help. It was weird the teacher wanted to help. He started at his phone a few more minutes before replying.

[text]  It’s fine. Thanks. 

[text]  I can finish early on fridays. Around 2pm if i work some extra shifts.

[text]  In two hours. What’s the food?