Elena Macmillan

I’m going to be feeding you anyway. I don’t see how I’d be put out at all by losing.

But if you’re intent on making it a wager—how about the winner owes the loser a favor, to be cashed in whenever, wherever, within reason?

You are. I like that in a man.

I won't cook or babysit. Other than that, I'm cool with almost anything.

I’ll take your word for it. Sounds like a story I’d really rather not know.

I’m Italian and my mother makes her own wine. While I’m sure you could put up an excellent fight, I have a frankly alarmingly high tolerance.

Ask Malfoy about dolphins if you ever want to see him sweat.

How about we make it even more interesting? I win, you feed me. I lose... well, what do you want?

I also invited Astoria’s cat to live with me, but at least Jasper has the decency to be house-trained.

Ahh, see, that explains him coming home with a hangover and Astoria being unbelievably amused by it. Well done. Though now I’m considering challenging you.

Oh, the hangover is not the only reason Astoria was unbelievably amused.

Darling, you really don't want to put yourself through that. Don't you have a business to run or something along those lines?

That’s definitely something to consider. It’s for their own good, really. But mostly the good of my kitchen table.

How’d you get stuck with these two? You’re one of Astoria’s friends, right?

You know you're at least partially to blame for this, right? I mean, you did let them move in with you.

Astoria's friend from school, yeah. I ran into Malfoy a couple of weeks ago and the poor boy thought he could outdrink me. He's been terrified of me ever since.

I might have. And while that’s tempting, he also has full access to my kitchen table. I’m not sure that’s a war I want to start.

See, the key with Narcissa and Veronique is to find whatever they have in common. They both love their children, they both dislike their child’s taste in spouse, they both like me, and I’m pretty sure they’d both sleep with me if I offered.

Maybe that should be how you put a stop to it. Tell Malfoy that if he gets friendly with Astoria on your kitchen table you'll start seducing his mother.

I mean, it's not just that it's unhygienic. It's also dangerous. I had sex on a kitchen table once. It broke. Thanfully, the poor guy softened my landing so I didn't get hurt, but he could've broken his head. You don't want Malfoy to break his head, do you?

I wish I could say I was surprised but I’m really not. Again, try living with that.

Most. Not a Narcissa-Veronique smackdown. That could withstand the apocalypse.

You killed a puppy in a past life, didn't you? Hey, if I were you--you have full acess to their bed. Start having sex on it to get back at them.

I like a challenge.

I’m somewhat Catholic. I’m incredibly patient and I just assume it’s penance for something down the line.

You have been made aware that you’ll be entering the third wizarding war, right? Narcissa versus Veronique?

One time, I left them alone in my apartment for fifteen minutes. They started having sex in my bathroom.

I'm a werewolf, love. They start getting snappy, I start getting... wolfy. That puts an end to most discussions.

Try living with them. It’s sickening.

No, but you can hand me things. So, you’re going to be their wedding planner?

How do you do it without being, you know, drunk all the time?

I'm great at handing things! Me and Astoria had agreed that I would plan it whenever they decided to do it properly and Draco is too afraid of me to challenge it, so you know it's going to be a fabulous affair. 

Grocery shopping. I sent them out. They’ll probably be gone for hours; you know how they are.

Want to lend me a hand with the cooking?

If we're lucky, they're having sex in the grocery store. If we're not, they're either getting engaged or married. Again.

[Elena hesitates, awkardly rubbing the back of her neck] I--I can't cook. I can make coffee and I can microwave--I microwave very well--but that's about it.

I’m trying one of my mother’s recipes—eggplant parmigiana. 

And coffee, of course.

I'm always open to trying new things.

Where has the married-couple-that-we-cannot-refer-to-as-a-married-couple-because-they-are-both-total-losers run off to this time?

Blaise Zabini. Pleasure to meet you.

Come on in. I can’t help with wedding plans but I can offer you food.

Pleasure's all mine, I'm sure.

[Elena walks into the house, passing a cup of cofee to Blaise and pressing a kiss to his cheek] If I ever say no to food, please assume our alien overlords have kidnapped me and replaced me with someone else. What are we having?

[Blaise can’t help but laugh, shaking his head and pointing at the coffee] It’s my house and no one comes to see me. You must be Elena.

Astoria and Draco are out. Does that mean one of those is for me?

My reputation precedes me, I see. I like that. I'd say you had to be Blaise, but I'm pretty sure Astoria would not forget to mention her roommate was this cute, so I'm guessing she just decided to move in with someone else and neglected to tell me.

That depends. Are you going to invite me in or will you make a lady drink two cups of coffee all by herself?

No, I can’t blame you for that.

So what have you been up to lately?

Oh, the usual. Looking fabulous, being a badass, planning a wedding and a bachelorette party I haven't yet been asked to plan, striking fear in the heart of best friends' fiances...

What about you? Done anything fun lately, other than kidnapping cute kittens?

Oh? Vacation time? 

….Smelly. But fantastic. They’re so gentle when treated properly. And to just be so small on such a great animal…it was an experience I’ll never forget. 

Sort of. Going to reconnect with some old friends I haven't seen in a bit.

That sounds... weirdly pleasant, actually.

God, I don’t even want to think about having kids. Way too young for that.

Yes, you can have third place. [Caden grins, obviously endeared] Where do I rank for you?

You're very up there.

First places on my list obviously go to my brother--when I don't want to punch him in the throat--and Christian Loubotin. I'm sure you understand.

Because he’s so small I’m convinced the smallest thing will break him. I get nervous when he crawls under my clothes after I do laundry. I’m convinced he’s going to just crumble.

Robot’s the only one who ranks above my pain in the ass brother, sorry, friend.

Oh dear, you're going to be a responsible mom, aren't you?

Do I at least get third place?