The Clever Ducky

the most fucked up thing about married straight couples in paranormal reality shows is that the husband is almost always the skeptic and the wife will be like terrified to exist in her own home and she’ll beg her husband to believe her and she’ll be crying every night and he’ll straight up look at the camera and be like “I don’t know I guess I just thought she was imagining things.”

like this is beyond belief in ghosts what it comes down to is one member of these couples was so distressed they were in tears nightly or at least weekly, BEGGING their partner to listen to them, and their partner was like “whatever this’ll blow over.”

how does your relationship survive that?? how are these people still together?? if my wife came into the room crying and told me she’d seen bill watterson, author of acclaimed comic calvin and hobbes, manifest in our kitchen and tell her he didn’t like our wallpaper, I’d like. obviously have some questions. but I’d fucking address her distress and take steps to make her feel better lmao???

these husbands are all garbage and they feel justified bc they weren’t the “crazy one” who believed in ghosts.

they were the good, logical, “sane” spouse who did rational and good things like, completely and purposefully ignore their partners’ growing and life-altering distress for months.

I know this seems like such a niche topic to get into but I grew up in an old town where everyone has one or two ghost stories, and it’s almost always wives telling them while their husbands chuckle and shake their heads throughout the entire story. It doesn’t matter whether they believe in ghosts or not. What it is is one adult recounting experiences they not only firmly believe to have happened one way, but which have profoundly affected their lives, and the other adult literally publicly laughing at them “hahaha, women and their imaginations, you know?” Both possibilities shock me but don’t really come as a surprise: the husband literally thinks his wife is such a child that she “imagined” these experiences like a backyard game for elementary schoolers, or the husband believes his wife apparently idk?? hallucinated but it’s not a big deal and we don’t need to have a discussion about her health and whether she feels safe and happy in her home because again. silly women and their apparent hallucinations you know???

gina rodriguez and john mulaney went to the same high school and overlapped two years wow

so are you inplying that she may have also attended jake mcnamara’s house party

16 years later…

What u age like when u mind ur business

Lupita Nyong’o Wears Ralph & Russo. More HERE: http://superselected.com/on-the-red-carpet-the-2018-sag-awards/

this interaction made my day

i dont get offended at white people jokes even though im white because: 

my white friends that have reblogged this give me life

4. Sometimes I am a shitty white person and the jokes remind me to FUCKIN STOP

If ur white and like this post I fux with u

^absolutely

5. It’s hard to be offended when white people jokes involve bland food/tourist dads in socks and sandals/white girls in yoga pants obsessed with pumpkin spice/suburban PTA moms and other harmless and mostly true stereotypes while jokes about POC involve them being called thugs/criminals/slurs/uneducated/illegal immigrants.

i fucks with u heavy if ur white and you reblog this

6. They’re usually really fucking funny and don’t perpetuate stereotypes that will ever affect me economically, politically, or cause me any true harm, let alone create risks that “justify” my murder and/or death

Waits for my white mutuals to reblog😌

yesyesyesyes

ive been sitting on a phone call with a guy from microsoft for an hour now after my computer crashed so he can help me re-upgrade to win10 and 99% of it has been pure silence but 5 mins ago he asked me if he can go pee.

i told him bro u been sittin here watching my slow ass computer install windows 10 for over 50 minutes you can go make yourself a cup of tea and a sandwich if you want.

he came back and apologised for making me wait for him but he said he made a sandwich and a coffee and now he’s chilling at his desk having a bite to eat and we’re just hanging out watching my percentage climb.

im getting jack of the silence so i asked him where he’s from bc he has an accent and theres a slight delay and he said he’s in the philippines so now we’re talking about the girl who won silver in the weightlifting at rio and he’s so proud of her its adorable.

apparently it’s the first medal the philippines has won since the olympics in 1996 so this woman is a hero over there rn. i love hearing underdog stories i want to hear more.

shit boy now we’re talking about how countries like the US and australia are disappointed when they dont win gold medals but athletes from countries like the philippines are the pride of the nation if they even place and how it suggestive of the values of first world countries

BOY THIS IS GETTING DEEP

we’re two hours in and i asked him what his record was for the longest phone call and he said five and a half.

bRO. FIVE HOURS ON THE DAMN PHONE HOW DOES A MOFO DEAL WITH THAT. 

im on hold again bc his supervisor wants something but apparently the five and a half hour phone call was because a guy was mad that he couldn’t figure out how to work windows 8 when he got a new computer so my tech guy spent nearly six hours teaching him how to use a fucking operating system.

this guy has the patience of a damn saint can we give him a medal or something like lets give the philippines their second medal in 20 years pleASE.

my computer finally entered its boot-reboot stage after installation and he asked me in the most polite way humanely possible if we could perhaps end the call and he will call me back tomorrow to make sure the upgrade finished properly.

this guy just spent over two hours chilling on the phone with me and he’s still gonna call me back tomorrow just to check that everything is ok.

i feel like ive entered a new plane of existence.

UPDATE

he called me back like he promised he would and asked whether everything was okay, and i told him it was and that ive reinstalled everything.

he said he was so happy that my computer is working again and that he was so glad that i was his customer because he’s not used to being able to chat and talk with the people on the other end just for the hell of it and it made his day yesterday.

his supervisor got on the phone and i gave him a glowing review, she said shes going to email me a survey so i can put it all on paper so he has the physical feedback to his name.

honestly that just made the whole stress of my computer crashing its pants so much better.

also his name is jhon. 

I drew him a medal

This is fucking adorable.

someone who’s chaotic good (me) should never be allowed to run a bakery by themself (my job)

Why

well I work for a bakery inside a grocery store and we end up composting a Lot of stuff because it’s a commercial chain and they don’t care because capitalism

so every night an hour before closing, I look thru all the stuff to see what expires the next day, and I make it “free samples”

then I hang around by the cookie table and the donut case and whenever kids come around talking to their friends abt “if they don’t buy this, they can afford that,” “do we have enough money to buy donuts?” etc, I chime in and I’m like….

hey…free samples over there take as many as u want…..take the whole thing….just eat them before u leave the store…..go…run…eat pastries….be free

you are exactly the kind of person i wanna see running a bakery

This is basically the default practice for anyone not living and working in corporate dystopia. If you cannot use or sell something, it’s worthless to you. If something is worthless to you but someone else has a use for it, you let them take it away; you get the worthless thing disposed of for free, which effectively is the best value you’re ever going to get out of the otherwise worthless thing, and you also get to network with a potential contact or just generate a bit of goodwill.

You see it all the time in small business. If a construction company has a bunch of useless bits of warped lumber cut at odd lengths, they’re not going to bother disposing of it themselves if someone wants it for firewood. You got your own truck? Great, it’s yours, saves us the gas and labour costs of hauling it away.

Food destruction is one of the worst symptoms of a broken, inefficient, oligarchic economy. It’s actually wasting labour (and therefore money) to destroy something that is worth no money to its owner, on the presumption that someone, somewhere, will be desperate enough in its absence to buy something else. It’s dubious policy at best even from a ruthlessly pragmatic standpoint, and from all other perspectives it’s basically nihilistic insanity.

Sometimes I think about the future of self driving cars and how everyone I talk to about that future is like “okay but in an emergency we’ll be able to take back manual control, right?” and I usually placate them by saying, yeah, that’s totally how it’ll happen, but actually we’re already seeing the opposite. Cars with “self driving” features like steering and breaking that kick in and take control from the driver if the driver is about to rear end someone or is in a dangerous situation because the truth is computers can think faster and have better reflexes than us and I think about this going into the future and how if the self-driving cars are able to share their data with each other and learn from the driving experiences of every car on the road soon we’ll have cars that are so massively experienced at driving and avoiding accidents and making microsecond decisions and partial degree turns of the wheels and being so damn precise that automobile accidents will be almost unheard of and that’s when we’ll develop the most wasteful hilarious extreme sport in history where a single human driver will go up against an arena of ultra smart self driving cars and just by driving around recklessly try to coral them into crashing into each other and I tell you I would watch that sport all day.

#this didn’t end the way i expected

What’s up with dragons do they shed their skin? Do they feel all smooth and shiny and soft when they shed?

I like to call my chickens “beasties” or “fat little monster trucks” and other such affectionate terms, but dad seems to take offence whenever I do and always gently refers to them as “the girls,” “the ladies” and sometimes “the dames” when he’s putting them away, like he’s a butler shepherding a group of well-bred country lasses into the parlour for tea 

this post evokes such a pleasing mental image that my depression was completely cured for 5 and a half minutes

Mohtz on Society6

+ bonus: it could have been much worse