Things are such a mish mash. I don't feeeel like I'm on the cusp of anything special, something to put my energy and hope into so I can say "I'm gonna get there". I have goals, plans, ideas, dreams, but things are a slog and I feel depressed and anxious more than anything else at any time.

My parents got back from a trip overseas and I went to visit, stayed less time than what I'm spending on pt because I didn't want to go home in the dark. But we also didn't do anything, and yeah they just got back home so that makes sense. They did go visit my sister's family yesterday though, and whenever I see them I go to them, and we just stay home and they watch TV in different rooms, and I hover and try to engage them.

This is how my brain feels atm. I do things and they seem like they fulfil or accomplish nothing. I don't see people, I don't talk, or I talk about nothing, and I stay home and look at the space and arrangement of rooms and things and wonder why I don't feel good about my place in the world.

I imagine what will change and what will get better and either I struggle to care or I get distraught over how much these changes mean to me, how much I depend on things happening one day.

I feel like I'm not taking anything in, or giving anything back. I'm wasting time and patience and becoming complacent and desperate. As much as the beauty of life affects me, I'm feeling this beauty less and less.

think i’ll try coming back to tumblr in the form of random personal diary entries to vent about things that im otherwise pushing to the back of my mind, and which are then watering down my grasp on who i think i am and wanna be

holy heck work/uni/life organisation is wrecking me today. its way too easy to feel like im letting coworkers down by prioritising study (sem1 since last year ive been doing 12hrs a week at work) and now i need to change my contract to fit in six days of classes that fall on sporadic fridays caus they “finish” half an hour after my shift would start (my lecturer said they might not even go as long as theyre timetabled?) so i might end up heading home from uni on these fridays with TIME to make it to work but i cant just certainly say so (or leave class early caus i dont wanna fuck up my last year on uni). plus theyre like six fridays over the semester is two classes combined, so one class has 3 sessions over the semester and another the same just afterwards. this is all new to the program and i cant help but feel like uni is just cutting in-class hours to save some money. what does an intensive 6/7/8 hour class on teaching practice look like? what does it look like over the span on three sessions?? as much as my job isn’t overly stimulating i still like aspects of it, and i wish this tiny clash just wasnt a thing. ugh god unexpected/unpredictable/out-of-my-control tiny changes like this wreck me.

i think im turning out to be a good future me. ive come to terms with being trans, a bit boring, loved, an "insert natural hobby" dork, and a prospective teacher; all things i've thought about for a verrrrry long time. i still recall being in ICT class in primary school and being asked to think 10 years into the future (so early 20s or something) and having no clue what i’d be like, just that i kinda wanted to be who i already was but with a feeling of confidence in myself. and i think in a lot of ways i’ve balanced out a lot of existing negative tendencies like lonesomeness, dependence, and anxiety into worthwhile and enjoyable traits.

at the moment feb 2018 edition

- start back at uni in two weeks. uni has a new timetabling system and i didn’t receive any notification or email about timetabling dates so i guess i missed out on allocating time preferences until i can “amend” what im assigned in a few days. - need to buy a desk caus i dont currently have one and i’ll def need it this year - got a psych referral i need to cash in so im prepping myself for this likely wild year. - been beekeeping since october last year and the guy i got the bees and hive off is coming around this week to assist with the next inspection and to provide some mentor advice and tips. i also need to move the bee babs to a sunnier spot in the yard and im expanding their hive so they’ll have three boxes. by spring i’ll likely be fine to harvest some honey!  - t and i are both working these days and wowza we actually have money to save now??? - but... thinking of finding casual teaching work this year so i can maybe quit coles. we’ll see tho

life isn’t super eventful these days, and hasnt been for a while, but im feeling pretty good about a bunch of things. here’s hoping jamming with friends, general solo creative stuff, and super-needed socialising can all find a place in my life this year.

might come back on tumblr this year idk 📚