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I write with a poison pen

@badboihemmings-blog / badboihemmings-blog.tumblr.com

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Leaving the fangirl era.

I’m not sure how to start this but I guess I should start by saying fangirl life is all I have known throughout my teenage years so it’s no surprise I became so obsessed with 5sos as I did. It all started at around age 12-13 when the girls in my school liked Justin Bieber, I knew nothing about him and only knew 2 songs but that didn’t stop me from hanging posters of him in my school locker and seeing him live in concert. I look back on the Justin Bieber phase now and I was a pretty average fan in those days and I guess it wasn’t until age 14 and I discovered One Direction that I really fell hard for a celebrity.  

 See my One Direction phase started out like any normal fangirl phase, saw a video of them and decided to watch more however the more I learnt about them the more and more I wanted to know and it got to the point where not only did I know every lyric to every song they released but every single detail about each member, I knew they’re blood types for Christ sake and by age 15 had every wall in my bedroom covered with over 300 posters! I don’t know how I got so into a band this much but from this point I could never go back, my life had now revolved around this band and it had become my daily routine. I’d spend all my time after school running a twitter account dedicated to them as well as constantly posting about them on my tumblr blog and facebook and keeping up with every new interview uploaded on youtube. In those days I was convinced Niall Horan would fall in love with me and the biggest dream I could imagine was to see them live in concert which I finally did at age 16 and even from the back row I considered it the best thing to happen in my life! It’s funny how small my expectations were then, I didn’t expect to meet them at all and was just happy to see their music live once, I wonder how my expectations got so high when it came to 5sos??

 It all started the same time I saw One Direction live, 5sos were the opening act and I was in the city one day and happened to meet Ashton outside the hotel, at the time I wasn’t a huge 5sos fan but I liked some songs so I was ecstatic to meet him and meet my first celebrity! I can still remember that day so clearly, I was so shaky and stuttering in my speech, I could feel my heartbeat run a million miles an hour and I wish I had that same excitement when I had met him when I was older. It was after this time I realised I could actually meet my idols and slowly after the next few months I moved all my dedication to 5sos switching my social media accounts to their fandom soon gaining a follow from their band account on twitter.

 The next year in 2014 was my first chance to see them headline a show. When I bought tickets I had expected tickets right at the back as every show I had ever gone to I had those seats so  I was so beside myself with my luck when I scored seats in the third row, I could see the up close and I guess this started my craving to seeing them up close! This was also the first time I tried stalking and it’s crazy to think I didn’t eat and hardly slept for the 3 days they were in my city because I was too busy at the airport and hotel looking for them. I look back now and I was a total creep, I literally sat a table from Luke and watched him eat breakfast for an hour, I was even on my phone tweeting him to follow me because I could see him eating…. WHO EVEN DOES THAT?!?!? During that day I had not only met Luke at the hotel but later met Calum at the airport and gotten a hug!

 You’d think after finally meeting them I’d be over it but I wasn’t, instead I had only craved it more. I had made myself believe I was the female version of Luke Hemmings and believed I just had to meet him in the right situation for him to fall in love with me so was determined to try again! This lead me to entering competitions and at age 17 I had won my first; a meet and greet in Sydney with flights and accommodation included. I was so excited as this was my first meet and greet and first trip away without my parents, I ended up taking a random girl I followed on tumblr because she was 18 as she deserved to meet them more then my mum. I regret not keeping in touch with her and wish I knew her name now but unfortunately we lost contact soon after as we both lived separate lives and being part of this fandom can either make or break friendships which I will talk about more later.

 Fast forward 2 years from this and now at age 19 and I’ve been front row 3 times at their shows, seen them live in concert 6 times and 3 private shows and met them over 10 times in 3 different states which included 4 meet and greets won through various competitions. I even got twitter follows from both Luke and Michael as well as tweets and RTs from them and in 2015 was chosen to go on stage at the show and play Luke’s guitar. To any other fangirl I have lived all their dreams and if you told 15 yr old me that all this will happen to me I’d tell you to repeat yourself because back then even just a wave from them was the world.  However I did not feel lucky but instead grew more unhappy the more I met them and the more selfish I became.

 I was 100% convinced Luke Hemmings was going to fall for me, I was delusional but fangirl life was all I knew. In real life I have always been insecure, I haven’t liked my body and have always felt like an outcast because of my personality and this is why I was so involved with the fandom as even though I was lonely in real life I had people on the internet who liked the same things as me. Due to this I don’t think I lived a true teenage upbringing because while every other girl talked to boys and had real life crushes I only had crushes on band members and shyed away from real life boys.

 After meeting them a few times I believed I was being “fanzoned” and that’s why Luke hadn’t fallen for me yet so I did what no one should ever do for a boy and changed myself to be more his type.  At first it was small things like wearing more revealing clothing and more makeup but over the years I tried harder and harder, by the age of 18 my weight had dropped below 47 kilos as I believed I wasn’t thin enough for them and I had dyed my naturally blonde hair brown because I heard he was more into brunettes.  When I look back on the last time I saw them which was a bit over a month ago I had spent $50 on a fake tan and spent 3 hours doing my makeup before meeting them. Nothing about me then was me, I looked nothing like me, I was fake, I had fake lashes, nails and tan because I believed my true self wasn’t beautiful enough and it makes me sad thinking I based my self worth on how some band saw me.

 I had also changed my whole career path because of them, I dropped out of my science course at Uni that same year and decided I was going to move to Sydney as that was where they lived to study a bachelor of Entertainment Management because I believed I wanted to work with bands like them and have a job that somehow meant I would work with them although deep down I knew I was never cut out for the music industry.  I ended up changing my plans slightly and decided to move to Melbourne to study that course as it was closer to home and had made plans to move they’re end of October, I even got a job there which I only quit 2 weeks ago.

 You might be wondering why I suddenly changed my mind again and decided to stay home in Adelaide and study the course I was originally meant to study this year and it’s because I finally got a realisation of what my life became after coming home from my 2 week trip of following 5sos across the country for their Australian leg of tour. I was so obsessed with this band that I wouldn’t let anyone stop me from making these wild expectations come true and this meant I was rude and selfish, I started using people to get what I want, to get closer to a band and I am so sorry I ever did that and will forever regret those decisions.  At the start of this year I ended up loosing the closest friend I ever had and it’s sad that even too this day I miss her and I want to go to her with my problems but I know I stuffed up (big time), I’ve seen her a few times since and she has been so cold to me that I know I can never fix what we once had and it sucks because I know I’m not the same person now! I have also made friends since and have chosen the band over them in situations I shouldn’t and I regret the hurt I gave them, I wish my head wasn’t so into my fantasy world then and I stuck by you instead of some band member who won’t recall my name.

 In a sense I think I needed this trip to snap back into reality because after trying everything I possibly could to have this band fall for me I finally realised I’d never be enough. I finally got closure and ever since I have started to open myself to the real world, I started going out with my old friends from high school more and changed my appearance back to my natural self and surprisingly became more confident in my body, I started believing to be myself and that someone should like me for who I am. I even started talking to boys and got a crush on a real life boy and eventually at the age of 19 had my first kiss!

 I’ve finally come to an end of an era, and this doesn’t mean I don’t like 5sos any less, I love their music and them as people but after spending 4 years of my life dedicated to them it’s finally time I live for myself. I am no longer spending my time on twitter/tumblr/youtube on fandom blogs about them. I hope to leave this part of my life behind from now on, and to those people I’ve distanced myself over this past month only because I don’t know how to communicate without a common band obsession I hope we talk more and grow as people, get to know eachother on a personal basis.

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stinkystiles
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housecatincarnate

Fun Story: My director kept telling me and my tenor sax buddy to play softer. No matter what we did, it wasn’t soft enough for him. So getting frustrated, I told my buddy “Dont play this time. Just fake it” 

Our Band Director then informed us we sounded perfect. 

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fororchestra

To my readers: “p” means quiet, “pp” means really quiet. I’ve never seen “pppp” before haha.

On the contrast, “f” means loud, and “ffff” probably means so loud you go unconscious.

I had ffff in a piece once and my conductor told me to play as loudly as physically possible without falling off my chair…

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justtkeepcalmm

Me and my trombone buddies had “ffff” and he sat next to me and played so hard that he fell out of his chair.

The lengths we go for music.

Okay yeah so I play the bass clarinet and the amount of air you have to move and the stiffness of the reed means it only has two settings and that is loud and louder, with an optional LOUDEST that includes a 50% probability of HORRIBLE CROAKING NOISE which is the bass equivalent of the ubiquitous clarinet shriek.

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elsajeni

One day, when I was in concert band in high school, we got a new piece handed out for the first time, and there was a strange little commotion back in the tuba section — whispering, and pointing at something in the music, and swatting at each other’s hands all shhh don’t call attention to it. And although they did attract the attention of basically everyone else in the band, they managed to avoid being noticed by the band director, who gave us a few minutes to look over our parts and then said, “All right, let’s run through it up to section A.”

And here we are, cheerfully playing along, sounding reasonably competent — but everyone, when they have the attention to spare, is keeping an eye on the tuba players. They don’t come in for the first eight measures or so, and then when they do come in, what we see is:

[stifled giggling]

[reeeeeeally deep breath]

[COLOSSAL FOGHORN NOISE]

The entire band stops dead, in the cacophonous kind of way that a band stops when it hasn’t actually been cued to stop. The band director doesn’t even say anything, just looks straight back at the tubas and makes a helpless sort of why gesture.

In unison, the tuba players defend themselves: “THERE WERE FOUR F’S.”

FFFF is not really a rational dynamic marking for any instrument, but for the love of all that is holy why would you put it in a tuba part.

This is the best band post 

Everyone else go home

Oh man, so I play trombone, and we got this piece called Florentiner Marsch by Julius Fucik, and we saw this

which is 8 fortes. We were shocked until,

that is 24 fortes who the fuck does that

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prokopetz

Who does that?

Image

This guy. Take a good look - that is the moustache of a man with nothing to lose.

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vivelafat

Julius IdontgivaFucik

More like Julius Fuckit

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sushinfood

Pyrozod’s tags for this were too hilarious not to share

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i-have-no-gender-only-rage

in marching band I have a cymbal roll with another kid and were were told just play as loud as humanly possible because writing that many fs would be a waste of space. Our percussion instructor later told us that the head marching band instructor was concerned for the pits safety so now we are forced to all wear ear plugs for one roll. 

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amerikawaaligirlfriend

theatercommandments the struggle

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theatercommandments

OKAY BUT THIS HAS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME

I once saw PPPPP in my score so I had to ask the conductor exactly what they wanted for that and I shit you not they said that it should be “like a memory of the last note you just sang”

But last year I saw a FFFF in my score and it made my loud soprano ass very very happy.

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sapphicnile

I hate playing “never have I ever” because I’m a fucking slut

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domdean

I hate playing “never have I ever” because I’m a fucking virgin

you will never know which of these two statements reign true for people who reblogs this and that bothers me

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