Tumblr just put a fcuking harry potter post on my feed as a "recommendation based on your likes"

Why not recommend me smallpox next. Or arthritis maybe.

Settings -> Account Settings -> Content you see -> Filtered Post Content

Add "Rowling", "jkr", "harry potter", "snape", "remus lupin", whatever you want.

Yeah I'm not doing all that. Tumblr should just ban all things related to that franchise

you are like a mewling helpless baby you are standing in the rain and i am offering you a goddamn umbrella and you throw it on the floor and yell at god to abolish rain

"you are standing in the rain and I am offering you a goddamn umbrella and you throw it on the floor and yell at god to abolish rain" is a killer line and I wish I wrote that

The children yearn for the mines

every time someone asks me how my vacation was I say "over too goddamn quick" and by god I mean it every time

I wish I could just feel hunger like a normal person. Instead I wander around suffering from psychic attacks and only then realize I forgot to eat dinner four hours ago

having a uterus SUCKS man bc all day you'll be feeling the "hey bestie check your pants 😃 check it right now 😃 you might be getting your period 😃 hey bestie i think youre bleeding 😃" and then when you check if you got your period and your body is like WRONG ❌️ its The Slime

whats everyones first video game (criteria can be whatever you want but im going for the first game i remember playing as a kid) mine's harvest moon friends of mineral town

I understand the sentiment, but when you write RIP in a sentence please be careful with your presentation, cause I just saw someone sincerely post "Let her RIP 😔" and I immediately pictured them Beyblading their grandma into the fucking stratosphere.

We did it!

hey anyone remember

(◡‿◡✿) (ʘ‿ʘ✿) “what you say ‘bout me” (ʘ‿ʘ)ノ✿ “hold my flower” ✿＼(｡-_-｡) “Kick his ass, baby. I got yo flower.”

No

anyone remember these nuts 

No

damn what do you remember?

HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY 18 AND OVER PENGUIN!!

"came back wrong" but it's food that you heated up in the microwave

OK SO

For anyone who hasn't heard my Microwave Rant:

Microwaves are designed to be used at a broad range of power levels. If you're getting bad results reheating your food, and you're doing everything on full blast, try a lower power setting! 50% power for twice the time, just give it a shot. It gives the heat time to spread evenly, and prevents overcooking of parts that are exposed to more radiation.

People complain about reheated pizza a lot -- that's bc overheating the crust makes it tough and chewy. I usually do pizza on 30% power for THREE times as long because it's especially vulnerable -- and my crust always comes out nice and tender.

I think there's a good metaphor for Came Back Wrong here too: if you actually take the time to do your necromantic ritual and/or unholy experiment right, and don't rush it at 100% power, you're likely to get better results.

The Fyre Festival guy just got out of prison after four years and he's already planning another island festival called PYRAT (pronounced pirate) which is clearly going to be Fyre Festival 2.0.

Like he is using the same vague promos as last time, featuring footage of the Bahamas, and when NBC News asked the government of the Bahamas about this they were like "NO, he does not have permission to host ANYTHING here. Please tell us if you see him in our country so we can arrest him."

thoughts and prayers for the funniest fucking event in the world to happen

twice

Who was it who (bombastically) described H. sapiens as "the learning animal"?

Well, plainly there are exceptions. :/

what they dont tell you about growing up as a very lonely little girl is that you grow up and still a part of you remains that very lonely little girl

I touch the chair and it starts vibrating violently and smack me in the face and I ragdoll to the other side of the room